Sparks in the Dark

I love you.

Most of the wounds on my heart have healed, the scabs have subsided and the skin has pinked over. Yet here I am poking and prodding at these scars of mine, I can't help it, there so painfully beautiful, and although I don't want to purposely make them bigger or worse, or make more, wouldn't it be so beautiful to have a heart of scars? No ones ever understood why I love scars so much or how I see so much beauty in them, and honestly I'm not quite sure myself, but they are so gorgeous as they wrap the limbs of the ones that I love and care for, they are beautiful on my lovers bodies. 

I wouldn't ever wish harm or pain on the ones that are close and dear to me, I want only happiness and bliss for them, but these marks that litter my angels are the marks of warriors in all aspects, I know they've all struggled, my loved ones all know the feeling of pain just about as much as they know how to breathe. 

I wouldn't ever wish more scars upon you, you've already bared so many, and I am one of the things that have cause these many many memories to be carved into your skin just as my loss of you in that year caused one of my first self inflicted. I love you still to this day, though it hurts much less than it used to. Sometimes I fondly look back on those somber memories and I am thankful that we have still lasted. Instead of a firing hose our connection has mustered to a drip drop pattern that we can both muster and handle. 

You don't deserve any scars, maybe room for improvement but your simple pitter patter in your heart stays faint, and I'd love to make it boom at the great potential that it has. You've been through so much, and I'm here for you along the way. 

Honestly, sometimes I believe that maybe you did deserve some of the things that you suffered through, but I know that's only my anger and my own hurt feelings speaking. You could've been an amazing person, a soft caring lover with a soft smile and beautiful eyes, but life just didn't plan for that, the universe didn't plan for that. You are a narcissist, and I'm sorry but there is no cure to that, no one who has been diagnosed has gotten better as far as everyone knows in the world yet. I really care about you, and I wish I could've helped you become a happy and wonderful person like I tried for you to be, and I still hope maybe someday you'll feel happy and you'll break free for the prison of loneliness you've stuck yourself in in your mind. 

I loved you. I loved you not for your body, or your looks, or anything physical. And to be honest that's not normal for me. I loved you because at first, I wanted a distraction, I wanted someone to fill the hole inside me. But as time went on, you grew on me, you really did. I loved you because of your smile, your laugh, the way you'd hold my hand even when I usually had to force you, the way you would look at me, all the questions you would ask, the way your voice sounded, how you would sing, how you would walk, run, dance. I loved all of the time we spent together. The millions of pictures, the thousands of videos, the tags and tiktoks and memes and all the things we would send each other. The texts, the calls. I still miss you sometimes. You weren't the best partner, but I loved you anyway, in fact, you were my most toxic relationship so far, and that is sadly saying something. But I loved you anyway. I'm still hurt, and of course I am still angry, and I am sorry that I am angry, you did offer to be friends again when we had first split but I wouldn't have been able to handle it emotionally, you probably would've made me regret it anyway. But I loved you, and maybe I still do sometimes, and I am sorry that I had to leave, but you were just too toxic, and you were poisoning me. You still effect me to this day, does that make you happy? Proud? I hope your doing well still, nonetheless. 

And you. Oh, you. You were one of the most painful. I crushed on you for two years just to finally be with you, and then you made me feel like you didn't love or care for me, and I swear that you still loved your toxic misogynistic ex that almost hit you and who verbally abused you. Tell me love why did you still sit with him instead of me? Why did you make excuses for him, and tell me you liked me but not that you loved me, why did you laugh at his jokes and ignore me all day, why did you used me as a cuddle buddy bro pal bud friend, why did you make me feel used and worthless we didn't even date that long and yet you made me feel like I wasn't even enough. We dated maybe 2 or 3 months. I confided in you and it felt amazing receiving your validation, and I swear that your eyes held my worlds my skies, but... listen, in the end, I didn't wanna leave, I wanted to stay and talk, and I regret it sometimes and I'm not afraid to admit that, but I was so tired I didn't have the energy to sit and try to force you into loving and caring for me, and I didn't have the patience to wait until you were comfortable and ready and I'm sorry. I loved you. I love you. And I have to eventually throw away the guilt and get over you, but I am sorry. I didn't want to leave. Maybe it wasn't our time, maybe it never will be, but at least I can say I tried. I communicated, I gave you an option, I gave you the advantage to fight, maybe not even fight but to just admit or say you wanted me to stay, you wanted me around. Instead you just said okay. I'm sorry. And, hey.. I loved you. 

I love you, but in this last one, its to myself. I know what I deserve and I know what I need, my communication has gotten better, my words and poetry finally speaking some of its volumes as I am learning to turn it up, and I will speak my heart because I deserve more than what I have received in the past, from others and myself. I love you. I love you.