Sparks in the Dark

Hospital Bed

I have this overwhelmingly strong feeling that keeps banging in the back of my head. I keep having this reoccurring thought that I am going to end up in a hospital bed, struggling to stay alive, that I am sick and my days are numbered. I haven't ever really been scared of death, or rather being gone. But somethings just been itching at me...

I lay in this hospital bed, the room smells of cleaning alcohol and soap, and its too bright from all the white. The window is open and I beg for my body to move and be normal so I can return to outside where I belong. I shut my eyes, sheering away from the thoughts that drag me down. 

I hear a couple raps at the door. "@%)*!$% you have a visitor." I take a deep shaky breath and open my eyes slowly, swallowing the ball in my throat from shame and anxiety. I tear up as my face twists in pain, and I swallow back my weeps. 

"I'm surprised you came..." My voice is broken and hoarse, and he looks at me with eyes wide and teary. I try to clear up my throat and focus on what I have been thinking to say. 

"How have you been..?" He doesn't make eye contact, just looks at all the machines and the IV in my arm I refuse to acknowledge exists. I know he probably doesn't want to speak, stunned and full of emotion. 

"Listen, you don't even have to talk, I just wanted you here to say some things before I.. can't, anymore." He looks me in the eyes for a moment but looks back down. His hands are locked together, fiddling with his fingers every now and again. 

"I really did love you... I didn't wanna leave you, but you just made me so very very hurt. I didn't ask you to come here to make you feel bad, I just wanted you to know that how everything ended up happening, I didn't want it to go that way. I thought about you a lot after. And ya know, I tried moving on for a long while. Our memories haunted me, the good and the bad. I wrote about you... I thought about talking to you again often, but figured you wouldn't wanna hear from me, or that I would end up falling again and just getting hurt, or that you would destroy my feelings and ego even trying. I just wanted to see you, talk to you, if its our last time together. I'm really sorry for how things turned out.. And I've missed you."

I refuse to look at him, and I'm not even sure of how he would respond. 

I don't know what he would say, I don't know how he would react, and I hope I don't ever have to know how he would.