Sparks in the Dark

Experience

        You know, I try to stick up for others and shed a light on them so that they can be in the spot light, I try to make others look good by believing that they are good. Not everyone is a good person and although that doesn't always stick with me it hits me pretty hard when it needs to. 

You were never a good person. You are a person who plays with hearts subconsciously and you think its just to find someone who doesn't exist. You thought I was your soulmate, your everything, you thought you couldn't breathe without me. I was the same way. I thought you were the reason of my existence for years. I looked up to you, I idolized you. I thought you were so amazing, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter what you said to my face. It was internalized for me, the hurt. I never really let go of it and it effected you when I started hurting you, because I was scared you would hurt me. It was like second nature to be afraid of you and afraid of losing you. It made me sick back then to think of you leaving. 

I have grown so much, and even though I saw how toxic we were back then, I never believed it, I was in denial on purpose, I didn't want to believe that you would purposely hurt me. But I see it now, I see what I am supposed to. What I didn't see and admit to myself before. You didn't love me, you thought you loved me, you were running from your problems just like I was, we both bonded off of our issues and similar situations and ran from them together, you let pretend peacefully and I let you take things out on me emotionally, I always listened and carried your burdens for you. Until I didn't. 

I'm glad you found someone new, and I'm happy that you are happy, but no longer will I ever say that I can't live without you, because I can. No longer will I ever say that I need you, or that I will never love someone the same, or something along the lines of "oh boohoo please please come back". Because I don't need you now. I am so happy with the one I love and she treats me so much better than you ever really did. 

You know a part of me despises you for instilling anxiety in me and showing me how relationships are "supposed to be". I didn't deserve the treatment you gave me even if you didn't know what you were causing. You instilled anxieties and trauma habits into me, you gave me unhealthy habits that I will now have to slowly through time learn how to break. She doesn't deserve my horrible habits that you started, but she stays anyway because she sees something in me. She's happy with me and I am happy with her. 

You messed me up. And most of me forgives you, because I can't change the past no matter how angry or upset I am with you, I can't change what has already happened. I loved you. Or at least I thought I did. Now I will only ever love you platonically as a friend, maybe not even a close friend because you seem to avoid me now. But its okay, because I am okay now, and I am happy. I won't thank you for my experiences. But I am at peace with it.