Sparks in the Dark

Saudade

Today I can smell nostalgia in the air, my cologne smells all too familiar, the school is bringing in a smell of memories, and gosh I just can't stop my thoughts.
I love him. I love him so much that I cannot breathe, I love him so much that I am willing to stay, even though I am terrified.
But today is not the day for a sappy love vent. I love him, and he loves me and thats the end of that for now.
But hey, here we go with overthinking again, I miss you.
I miss you, but I don't miss you, I miss the toxicity that would run through you, the sweet nothings that would feed me empty calories and the venom that I would drink and drink until I collected it all to use later on. I miss how sick you made me feel, the twists in my stomach that felt like butterflies but were actually worms and god knows what else knawing at my stomach.
I miss the way you made me beg for the place I had made inside of you that I had molded into you brain and body, and you had let me because even you weren't sure of who you are so you let me remake you and remake you until eventually maybe you despised me.
I won't ever really know because in the end it was me who pulled the trigger, and dammit I don't know why I keep wondering and wondering but hey, did you ever really love me? Do you miss me, do you think about me? Do you regret the things you did, do you regret what you said, do you regret how you made me feel, how you made me act out?
I don't miss you I miss the toxicity, but more than that I miss the tranquility.
I miss the safe spaces you gave me, the kisses even if the engraved me, the wounds even if the bled on me, I miss the I love yous and the I need you, I miss the pictures and the laughs and the smiles, the many many videos and the sappy sad audios, the calls and missed calls and missed calls and missed calls, and the endless text messages we would send as we always wanted to know what we were up to.
I don't miss the controlling behavior and the obsessive control of never letting me care or see anyone else and I don't miss being so very very drained and tired. But, I do miss your hugs, and your spunk, but I don't miss how you used to say my name, and the pronouns you would force onto me, and the oppression that you would keep me under.
But I miss you. Maybe not you but, I definitely miss something.

- a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for, and or loves.