Sparks in the Dark

Addiction

You know, what they say about addiction is true. It doesn't matter what the addiction is or was, cigarettes', drugs, a person, love, food, self harm, anything. 

When they told me that even years after you've been off that you still miss it, I didn't believe it. Surely, if you have been off of something or away from someone for three years, you have to be over it right? Especially with a person, by then you gotta be over them right?

Its crazy, because the feeling is so strange. Its not missing them, its not quite a longing, and its not sad anymore. Its like looking at something you can't have, but there isn't any pain. Its almost like, acceptance, but a part of you wants it, longs for it, cries out for it, isn't over it, craves and beats for it. But you've already accepted it long ago. 

Its almost equal to looking at a sliver you took out of your finger, and it happened a while ago, but you can still almost feel as if something is there, and the pain will subside, but you'll still be ever so cautious in the place you got the sliver until you've forgotten about it. 

How do I forget about you when your still here? Its hard to differentiate between, the version of you who is dead who I loved first, the version of you who I saw and met and fell for, the person that was all mine that I saw when no one else could, and the version of you who broke me apart, tore me down broke me apart and ripped holes into my chest that I rightfully deserved, and the version of you, who is here, now. 

Your here. You are here and I love you, I'm not sure of how, or why, and in what ways, but I love and care about you. And I swear, I swear I am over you. I don't want nor need any more complications in that area. Thing is though, I am over you. This present you, these past yous. Problem is, sometimes my brain looks for a new you. I know your growing up, we both are, and a part of me is searching, searching for any hints or glints in your eyes that you can see the new me forming in me. 

I wonder, if you ever think about who I'm becoming, if you've ever thought about loving who I'm going to be, fall for a new me, a better me, an adult me that is slowly blossoming in front of you. 

I think we are in denial together. You, you are in denial that I am growing, you can't quite see the fulfillment in my promises yet, you can't see my emotions and the bigger picture I am painting out. And its only fair, it only makes sense with all of the promises I've broke to you in the past, with all of the things I've said I'd do and have yet to even remember or to think about. 

I, well I am in denial that it is all happening. Its like I'm walking, talking, thinking in real time. I'm planning and doing and I am ready, I am so ready. But a part of my brain is gnawing at me, speaking out and acting as if I'm not here, like this isn't happening, like time is frozen and my real life won't be starting in the next two months. Like I won't officially be an adult in three. 

Honestly it might be an inner me, a teenage manifest of my past holding onto all of these "I'm sorrys" that have built up over the years, and all the weight I still hold in me somewhere. 

Its like all of my teenage angst and anger manifested into a separate person willing to be heard, but they aren't talking. I'm listening, and they are quiet. 

I think this is the part of me that doesn't want to let go of you, fear of speaking up, keeping to myself in fear of losing you to something I could say, or do, another promise to break, another lie to tell, another I'm sorry to add to the pile. I miss you. 

I'm not sure what I miss, or who I miss in you, or even why I miss anything at all. Sometimes being around you, its like second nature to just want to hold your hand, ask you questions about anything and everything, talk to you about everything, follow you around like a love sick puppy. 

But I'm not in love with you anymore, and I don't think I love you like that anymore. So what's wrong with me? Is it the left over feelings of this sick obsessive addicted personality I held for you? Am I just an addict trying to relapse?

What if I am just forever sick, that seeing you will always tempt me, that you being around will always trigger thoughts of the past. Honestly its not even the past anymore, its just searching the future. Am I just a mentally sick person looking for the next dopamine rush? 

I don't want you to go, and honestly I'm not sure what's healthier for me, but I don't want you to go. Just please stay here while I sort through all of this in my head. Please don't give me any signs, nothing to look into, nothing to obsess over. Just stay here until I figure out what I feel in my head and my heart. 

If it turns out that I fell for you again, you'll figure it out, you always do, and we can talk about it if it does happen. If it turns out that everything stays the same and its a done thing, then we can live on how we are. I'll find someone new, you'll have whoever your with, and we'll live how we are meant. 

I know we are meant to be together in this life, no matter in what way, and I'll always be here for you.