Sparks in the Dark

Sweet Summer

Sometimes I think maybe I should just write about me, myself, keep the focus off the past. Writing block is an ass and usually writing is just a form of ventilation for all these pent up feelings, my therapist still out of town, I feel like my mind is swimming. 

Today I feel light, but even now when my mind is clear, it feels like spring and summer in my bones, flowers blooming out of my wrists, I still wonder;

Why me? I don't want to be focused on me, I know I got to think and heal, I gotta get better and get to know myself, love and accept myself in all aspects, just get deep down in my soul. But I don't want to focus on me anymore, I wanna focus on feelings. Not bad ones, not sad ones, not the ones that would drag me down. 

I wanna get a whole new wardrobe, turn into a beautiful summer sunflower, I want to change my clothes from dark moods and sour shoes to warm bright colors that hug my skin and cologne and perfume that hugs my figure, I want to be one with the flowers and the bees, wanna hand from sticks and trees, I wanna run till my feet hurt then jump into a river near by, I wanna bike until my thighs sting and I can feel the breeze warm and at ease. 

I want a new summer, a new feeling, a new someone, I want to be a new me. Its hard to write about myself, its hard to talk about new, because I want it, but I am here. 

I am terrified. One month left, then I'm out in the real world, things settle and then the countdown begins. Twenty-five days. One month and twenty-five days. 

I don't know if I'm ready. I know I'm ready, but I don't know, the world is ever changing and shifting, everything moves so fast then slow. I'm ready mentally, but the unknown scares me, as it does everyone else. 

I want to live in this fantasy in my head of pollen in the wind, sweet scents being carried from the flowers, bumblebees flying around and the trees rustling in the warm caress of time and space.