Sparks in the Dark

Fueled by Nostalgia

Fuck... here we go again. 

I can feel every movement in the air, every beat of my heart. I can smell mixed perfume and cologne in the air, and when I enter the school I can feel and smell that nostalgic air. Music sounds new and everything feels giddy. I get electric currents of emotion out of nowhere and have to shake out my excitement, I look and study the faces in the hallway as they pass looking for your face among them, I get urges to go and look at your social medias, to search to look for me or our memories in your eyes, in your text, in your pictures, find ways I've influenced you, hurt you, changed you, I look for any remanence of us in your music that you post. 

You looked at me. It burns me up inside, and a part of me wants to scream cry and hate you, a part of me pushes at the walls of my mind like clear plastic paper, indenting into them trying to break through, pushing and prodding trying to remind me of all of our memories, to break the rose colored glasses I've permanently glued to the face of my heart. FUCK

You looked at me. This heart clutch, this mild panic, this feeling of jumping off the cliff just looking for that painfully addictive feeling of falling because I am such an addicted user when it comes to these pills and pills of happiness and crushing, summer love, summer heart break, out of control chaotic whims of nothing and everything, I am so addicted to this love I can't keep and can't have, I want what I want but I won't ever get it. This obsessive feeling of new and old and black and rainbow, that drop of rainwater on a sunflower in June. 

Its all fake. 

These feelings are all a façade, a black mirror that I peer into to try and find someone else, in the end I only find more of myself, but I keep searching. for another half, and completed picture, a second part, a continuation. I look for you, and her, and him, and them, and him, and you. 

This nostalgic fuel won't last me long, and I will burn on it and keep using it as I let myself fall climbing and jumping off this cliff time and time again, unsatisfied with the end result I continue on. 

You know, there is a reason I miss each of you, and my reason for you, logically is because, you were abusive. You were my most toxic and abusive relationship. I've started my closure with my past, getting over almost everyone. Sad thing is your next on the list along with someone else I've already gotten near over. I don't know if I'll ever get proper closure from you, after all I was the one who left, and that always ends up leaving me at a point where I feel unfinished and unsatisfied. 

You were horrible to me. But running off of that, the good times were good, the amazing times were amazing, you did make me feel loved just enough, just enough for me to hold on and keep trying for a while. Our memories stick with me though. You were so sweet sometimes, and cute, and nice, and you could be so adventurous and fun. You had great connections, great creativity, great social skills, your very good at putting up a front and being likeable. You play people well, I'll give you that. 

And you know, I swear my head heart and gut can't ever agree when it comes to situations like this.