are we meant to be?

part 40

i've been in new jersey for almost 4 days now. i haven't checked my phone once. i wanted to because i wanna think this is all a misunderstanding, but i know better. i also wanna check my phone to see if charli or bryce or anyone texted but i'm scared if i do, i'll see a message from josh. yesterday i tried to check my phone but then got mad at myself for doing it. i accidentally threw it at the wall and now it's broken in the trash. jess insisted on buying me a new phone. i only have their contacts and one other person. charli. hers was the only number i could remember. i mean i remembered josh's but i wasn't gonna add his number. i didn't download any social media that way i can't see what's going on.

avery: carson
you: hey *smiles
avery: will you play dolls with me? carter and kayden are being mean

i laugh and agree. we are sitting in the living room and mike and kayden come in. mile turns on the news.

reporter: teenage millionaire joshua richards

my heart drops hearing his name.

reporter: is now canceled. apparently cheated on his current girlfriend carson shepherd

i don't know how but my heart dropped even farther. now all my new jersey family knows.

kayden: h- he cheated on you??

i feel a few tears slip down my cheek as i run up to my room locking the door. why the fuck was this announced on the NEWS?! i lie in my bed crying for a long time comparing myself to nessa and thinking of ways to kill myself. dixie wouldn't miss me. she's told me to kill myself before- i know she's changed now but still. chase has told me to kill myself. nessa probably wants me gone so there's no more problems with josh. i just wanna die. there's nothing in the world that i want more than to die. just- drop dead. it sounds amazing. the only people i think that truly miss me would be bryce and charli. maybe meredith and derek, or maybe jess and them, but everyone else would be glad. i've been crying in my room and seriously thinking about killing myself for the past two hours when there's another knock on my door.

you: go away!!
?: carson

i go open the door and yell.

you: what the fuck do you want?! why are you here?!
josh: baby i didn't cheat on you

he tries to hug me but i pull away and try to slam the door. he catches it with his door and comes in after me.

josh: that wasn't nessa
you: but you still cheated!! and it looks just like her!!
josh: see that sweatshirt i wearing?

he pulls up the picture and shows me as i nod.

josh: i haven't had that in months. check your suitcase

i hesitantly go to my suitcase and find the exact sweatshirt he was talking about.

josh: i called charli yesterday and she said it wasn't in your closet so i figured you had it. baby that picture was from months ago when you had your brown hair. i don't know how people just found it- but they did. it's not another girl. it's you

i look closer at the picture and realize he's right. it really is me.

josh: i didn't realize it was us at first but it is

i hug him so tight before i start to cry a bit. then i mumble softly in his chest while he holds the back of my head.

you: i wanted to kill myself

i didn't think he heard but he did.

josh: w- what??

...................