are we meant to be?

part 79

i haven't stopped crying for 3 days now. charli hasn't left her room while josh hasn't left my side. he tries to be strong but i know he's hurting. he cries when he thinks i'm sleeping. but i don't sleep anymore. i don't eat. i don't shower. nothing but lay in bed and cry. i was doing so good for so long and now- my health is all sorts of fucked up. all i keep thinking of is the same words over and over again.

"they were better people than i am. yet they died. so i should die?"

maybe i should die. they didn't deserve to, but i do. i- if i die then i can be with them. i can be with bryce. i need to be with bryce. if he were here right now he'd try and talk me out of doing anything. but he's not here. which means i should be either. all night my mind races. finally i decide to do it. it's currently 6 AM. i slowly stand up from josh's arms. i grab one of his sweatshirts from my closet and putting it on before putting on my nike air forces. i hover over the bed as tears roll down my cheeks. i softly whisper though my voice is shaky.

you: i- i l- love you

gently i move his hair and kiss his forehead. i slowly pull the covers over him and wipe my tears. i quietly leave and get in my car. while i'm driving, i use the car voice audio text to send josh something so he sees when he wakes up.

"i just wanted to let you know i love you. but by the time you wake up, i'll be gone. i'm really sorry. i know you had plans for our future but i have to do this. i have to be with bryce. i hope you find someone else that's just as amazing as you are. i will love you forever. please don't come looking for me because i'll be gone by them. i love you. goodbye joshua."

then i send it, and keep driving. finally i get to where i was trying to get. i exit my car, leaving my phone in it. i go in the building that open 24 hours and ride up to the 22nd floor. the roof. i stand on the edge looking over. wow. that's a far drop. for about an hour i just sit on the roof crying and telling josh, charli, and my families that i'm sorry that i'm about to leave them, as if they could hear me.

you: i'll see you soon bryce. you too addison.

i wipe my tears and climb onto the very small ledge and lean against the big wall behind me. holy shit it's high up. i stand there for a bit taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself that way i can go in peace. i must've been there longer than i though because it started to get light out. a crowd of people gathered below me along with multiple police cars. they are having everyone move back. one officer uses a big bowl horn to yell up to me.

officer: ma'am. my name is officer spencer. you can call me anthony

i try to tune him out.

anthony: what's your name?

i decide to yell back. idk why.

you: c- carson

they must've not been able to hear because within a few minutes there are 4 officers up on the roof but away from the ledge. they can tell that i've been crying.

anthony: what did you say your name was again?
you: c- carson
anthony: ok carson. how old are you?

he's keeping his voice calm and soft trying not to scare me.

you: eighteen.
anthony: ok. i have a daughter who's 18. you kinda look like her

he's trying to make small talk to keep me calm.

anthony: do you have anyone i can call? parents?
you: th- they live in c- canada
anthony: any siblings or friends around?
you: m- my sisters. and boyfriend. a- and my friends.
anthony: can you give me someone's number?

i shake my head no and he just slowly nods.

anthony: why are you up here?

i don't say anything.

anthony: it's ok. you can tell me
you: i- i wanna be with my b- bestfriend. h- he d- died.
anthony: was he on that plane that crashed by any chance?

i nod

anthony: my nephew was on there too.
you: i- i'm sorry
anthony: thank you. what was your friends name?
you: b- bryce hall a- and addison rae

he must know who they are.

....................