are we meant to be?

part 60

mads~

i've been crying for a day and a half now. i can't believe she's fucking gone. i've listened to dixie bully her and body shame her for years. i've never done a thing about it. maybe if i would've spoken up or done something- it could've prevented carson's depression. maybe i could've stopped all of this. maybe she would still be here right now. i know i shouldn't blame myself but i do. i feel like i could've done so much more to help her with everything. except i've just always stood by and watched. how could i do that? i hate myself for it. carson never deserved anything that happened to her. the chase thing. dixie bullying her. josh breaking her. not being told she was adopted. her depression. her anxiety. none of it. she was such a genuinely amazing person and didn't deserve any of that. why the fuck is life so messed up?

addison~

she can't be gone. not now. not ever. how? how is this even possible?! she was so strong. we all thought she would push through like the other times. it's our fault for not being extra cautious. we could've gotten her anyway. but instead we decided to trust that she was okay. she died alone in a cabin in the desert for fucks sake! how could god give such a sweet young girl that terrible fucking fate? i don't understand. she wouldn't hurt a fly yet she has been hurt and broken in every single way possible. i thought good things happen to good people? she was a good person. what the hell? she deserved so much more than she got in her lifetime. she deserved to grow old and live a happy life. that's all over now. my entire life i've been taught that god is good to you. if you do good things, he repays you with good things. it's all bullshit. all of it. if good people get recieve good things then why the hell is carson dead?!

jaden~

i still can't believe it. i don't get how she could be gone. what did she ever do to deserve that? she has been put through living hell and back yet still is a happy and kind person. every single damn day something fucked with her and made her question her life. she wanted to die. maybe she's happier now. maybe she misses all of us already. but she could be living her best life in heaven right now for all we know. carson and i have talked about dying before. we've both had the thoughts of suicide because of our depression but- i never thought she'd actually go through with it. i can't help but think that out talks about that made her wanna do it more. maybe if we wouldn't have talked about it then she'd still be here... she was doing good for a while. her and i would randomly sing and let out our feelings through music. she truly understood me. we've been through some of the same shit and coped the same way. i don't know how i'm gonna do it without her...

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