pretty much all day i don't leave josh's side. i think the stuff with my mental health is like giving me separation anxiety. idk. we all just ate and everyone gave charli and i gifts. i said i didn't want anything but i was still given stuff. josh gave me a necklace. it was a silver chain to math his. he got me a necklace with a cute key on it. and one that had a j on it. he also gave me a few hoodies. now we're all on the couch.
meredith: carson so since your 18 now.... derek: we think we should tell you something you: what is it??
everyone looks around to eachother. that all obviously know.
you: are you gonna tell me? meredith: ya... so um- you and charli aren't twins.
i look to charli. she knows already?!
you: what?? derek: carson. your real birthday is next week. you: you let me think for 18 years that i have a twin?! wait wait wait- how did you have charli a week earlier than me?
my mom looks down and i look to everyone. no one is speaking.
meredith: i- i didn't have you. we adopted you carson
my mouth DROPS.
you: what?!
no one speaks. i look to charli and dixie.
you: d- did you guys know??
they nod. then i look to bryce and josh.
you: w- what about you guys?
they nod, letting me know they know too. i get off the couch and go to my room locking my door. the only family i know as my own, isn't really my family. i mean it makes sense. charli and dixie look so much alike and i look nothing alike. everything makes so much sense now. i don't act like them. i don't look like them. nothing alike. everyone's been keeping this from me. they said they all knew. wtf. no one told me before now. i'm mad but part of me wants to cry. suddenly there's a knock on the door.
dixie: cars- you: go away!
she does. then there's another knock.
josh: baby let me in. you wanna talk? you: no!
i hear him sigh.
josh: carso- you: please just go away josh!
for a long time- like a really long time- i lay there. i cried a bit because they've all kept that from me for years. i was mad for a while. i won't let anyone in. why should i? they're not even my real family. if they never would've adopted me my life would be so different. maybe better. i mean no josh bryce charli or dixie but maybe it would be better. maybe i wouldn't have gotten abused. i would never have to find out i'm adopted. i could actually be happy. maybe i wouldn't have all these mental health issues. but maybe life if i wasn't adopted would've been worse. none of the people i love. thoughts raced my mind all night. i got no sleep. in the morning i go downstairs because i'm starving.
charli: hey! are you ok??
i ignore her and go to the fridge grabbing yogurt.
meredith: you ok sweetie?
she comes over and runs one of her hands through the bottom of my hair. i ignore her too. then josh comes out of nowhere and comes over hugging me from behind. i just push him off. i was so fucking excited to see him yesterday. along with bryce and dixie. now i don't wanna see anyone. i finish my yogurt.
josh: carson-
i walk away cutting him off and go to my room. charlis sitting on my bed.
charli: so- you: just leave me the fuck alone! please!
her face drops into more of a frown as she gets up and walks out. i lock my door and lay on my bed. later i decided i want information. i go to dixies room where her and charli are.
you: how long have you guys known dixie: i- uh... probably since i was 9 ish you: you've known for 10 years?! dixie: so has charli you: h- how long has j- josh and bryce known?! dixie: i don't know ab bryce but for josh- probably at least since he was 13?
he's known for 6 years?!
charli: bryce knew when we were like 11
that's 8 years. now i'm extra mad. i go back to my room slamming the door and locking it.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
after that i'm crying. no one told me one of the most important things in life that i should've known. they've all kept it from me since i was little. i get that they were trying to protect me, but now it just hurts.
