haven't spoken to bryce or josh in a few days. i just need to cool down i guess. i just really can't have josh hear the song. there's some things i sang that weren't even about him. parts were about him like the "if you love me let me go" part. but others weren't. like "Maybe there's a reason in your head Tied up somewhere, somewhere that we went Maybe it's the feeling that you get Guilty over everything you did" those words jaden just helped me write when we were making the song longer. i don't want josh thinking those parts are about him. i feel like if i tried to explain to him he wouldn't get it.
during these past few days my mental health has been a little more fucked up. my birth mother texted me the other day. carter and kayden were in a car accident. they're doing ok but carter's neck is broken along with her leg, shoulder, and nose. kayden fractured both of his angles, buckled his left knee, and had some internal bleeding. i wanna go see them but i think it's best if i wait a bit. i've also been thinking about me weight and eating less. i'm not sure why but i've been thinking it. i wanna talk to josh about it because he sorta gets it but i'm still pissed. and his sister liv- i really wanna talk to her. she completely gets the not eating thing but i've tried calling her. i forgot that she got a new number and josh never gave me it. i decided i just need to get away and be alone. i need to work on myself again. i booked some cabin in san diego for the week.
you: please don't text or anything char. i'll call if i need you but other than that- charli: ok i get it *laughs you: and if bryce or- charli; i know. if bryce or josh ask just tell them you took some time to yourself. and tell lauren it's nothing she did you just need to work on some stuff. you: thanks. your the best
i hug her
charli: be safe
i nod and leave. once i'm in my car i play machine gun kelly because his songs are just a vibe. i listen to "i think i'm okay" because i can relate to it. tute literal lyrics are "something fucking wrong with me!" it was an hour and a half drive to the place. when i got there i was stunned. it was gorgeous.
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i get there and immediately just take a nap. my mind has been racing with everything all day and i just wanna sleep. i ended up just sleeping through the night.
