lauren and i are together! only bryce knows. i haven't had the balls to tell charli or dixie. it's a big thing to come out and i just don't know if i'm ready to tell them. i've also really wanted to tell josh but i- i just can't. i know that me being bi won't affect the way he feels towards me. in our friend way. but i feel like he will really think he was never enough for me and i don't want that to happen. i love josh. he's one of my bestfriends and i don't wanna hurt him like that. but i also really want him to know. today there is a party at sway. all of the hype house, sway house, lauren, charli, and i. it's a pool party so right now i'm getting ready.
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and i wear this over it
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i hear a knock on our apartment door and charli yells from her room.
charli; it's probably lauren! can you get it? i'm still getting dressed! you: ya!
i go downstairs and open the door. lauren comes in and sees charli nowhere to be found.
lauren: hey babe
i kiss her.
you: you look good
i smirk a bit making her smile.
lauren: as do you. brown is definitely your color you: i thought red was *laughs lauren: ok you look good in every color
we laugh and charli comes down.
charli: ready?
we drive to the sway house. once we go in i spot josh.
you: joshua josh: hey carson. want me to take your jacket? you: ahh you just wanna see me in a bikini *laughs
he rolls his eyes and i take off my jacket handing it to him. we joke around like this. well it's more like i joke around but it's still funny. we all go to the backyard. lauren posts on instagram.
@laurenkettering
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@laurenkettering: bae🤩
no one would think anything of the fact that lauren posted this with the caption bae. girls do it all the time. it's like a normal famous girl thing. i go get in the pool with bryce and we have fun. later i'm standing outside the pool talking with josh.
josh: have you talked to your jersey family recently you: no. i mean like i text them but the last time i saw them was when you flew out there after that whole nessa thing josh: you should go see them you: i don't know. i feel like they have normal lives and i'm too much for them josh: they love you. your not too much you: every time i've been there- i haven't been in the best mind state josh: those were my fault. your good now. you've been doing good for a while. they probably miss you
i shrug. i see lauren and in the moment- i don't think. i just do. lauren comes over.
you: josh this is- josh: lauren kettering *laughs lauren: long time no see
they laugh and hug. that just made this so much harder. why am i even trying to come out to josh right now? idk. it just feels like a good thing in the moment. my face is full of worry.
josh: you alright carson? you: um josh? josh: what's up? you: i- i- i'm um... lauren and i are dating
his face falls. i can tell that i just crushed some part of him.
josh: th- that great
he fakes a smile. i know when he's faking. he's not that hard to read.
you: j- josh: no no i'm- im good
he shakes his head a bit and walks off, upstairs to his room.
lauren: w- why did he care so much? you: he... he was my ex boyfriend
when i talk to lauren about josh, i never say josh, i say my ex.
