Dream a Little Dream of Me

Chapter 20: I can feel the fresh air

It's been five weeks with the boys, which honestly is a lot longer than I expected it to be. I keep trying to convince them that I can go and leave, but they all push back. I think the main reason I'm still here is that none of them can cook at all. I can't really cook either, but at least I can follow a recipe sometimes.

I think that I have been healing a lot. I spent a lot of time the first week just in my room, I was pretty sad. I think through that time I really bonded with Sapnap, he really is incredibly kind and does seem to truly care. I also got to know George a little bit better, but that week I didn't see much of Clay.

Towards the end of the third week was really when I started to recover. Then I got my job back and started to leave the house a bit. I'm still only working part-time, but at least now I get to see Fen again. They were super grateful that Sapnap picked up and we had dinner together as well. It felt nice to sort of be back to normal.

This past week and the week before have been pretty chill. I really like living with the boys, even though they have absolute shit sleep schedules and terrible eating habits. I've sat in on some of their streams. Thursday I got in an argument with Clay about how I wanted to find an apartment, and stop living with them because I felt like a burden, but after I lost that argument once the rest of the 'dream team' stepped in, we planned around what I remember Ellie's typical schedule being and picked up some more stuff for me.

When we got there yesterday, it was actually really surprising. I was surprised I remembered her schedule and we were actually able to get my stuff without her being there. But the main reason I was surprised was the apartment was clean. Like really really clean. I knew how much Ellie hated cleaning, and when you first walked in there was barely any evidence of anyone living there. All of the photos and cool things that were on the walls before were gone. And my room. My room was emptied out. My clothes were still in their places, and my bed was still the same, but literally, any other proof that I had ever lived in that room was gone, Ellie had moved it all to her room.

To be honest it was an excruciatingly painful experience. I knew how much Ellie was hurting because of how long I knew her. I could tell, but as much as I wanted to help her, in every corner I looked I could see how much pain I had been in. Even through the emptiness and dustless walls, I could see the pain, and even worse I could see the joy. The good memories, the fun times. I think that's what hurt the most. I had so many good memories with Ellie, almost the entirety of my teenage years with her, and they all were sorrowful now. Even through the pain, I tried to push through, I tried to face my fears and just conquer them. I think that even though I was strong at the moment. The endless memories were still a constant in my brain.

That brings us to today. Right now in the guest room in the house (which I guess is my room now, but I can't quite accept it), with different boxes pressed against the wall, that I can't bring myself to open because I've worked so hard to feel better, and now I'm back to a dark hole that I can't quite pull myself out of because I'm scared to admit to someone else that I'm sad.

I just need a break. A breath of fresh air.

Knock Knock "Y/N?" I heard Clay call through the door. "Can I come in?"

I sat up and fluffed my hair. I looked okay. Not great but okay. Okay was better than bad. "Yeah come in."

He opened the door and walked in. He sat down on my bed next to me. "Hey you all good, I know that must have been hard yesterday, and it doesn't seem like you've unpacked or anything, so I just wanted to make sure you are okay."

"I mean I'm okay. I've been better, but that was pretty hard."

"That's what she said," he said laughing. I shoved him to the side a bit.