Dream a Little Dream of Me

Chapter 16: 'Cause I just can't look, it's killing me

|tw: manipulation/abuse, depression, implied eating disorder|

I just want to say as a precedent to this chapter, you are amazing and beautiful and great at being you, because you are you, and you rock <3

It had been two weeks. two whole weeks. two whole weeks without Clay.

The first day was the hardest. It was the hardest because he wouldn't stop calling. They all wouldn't stop calling. I stayed home from work that day. Fen said he came by, asking if I was okay. Then Fen got worried, and I had to ignore them too. I could only talk to Ellie, but Ellie didn't understand how much it hurt. All I wanted to do was cry, all I wanted to do was talk to him. I wanted to hear his voice, but I couldn't. I couldn't even look at anything in my room without thinking of him.

The second day I didn't think about him as much. I thought about how I didn't deserve him, how I didn't look pretty enough, how the only way my body looked okay was when I sucked in my stomach and covered up my scars. I still thought about him constantly. Everything I saw made me think of him.

On the third day I finally left my room. Only after Ellie dragged me out. She seemed upset that I was not happy. How could I be happy, when all of me was broken. I had some coffee that day.

The fourth day I slept a lot. Ellie came in at some point and demanded that I give her 'cuddles'. I told her that I wasn't in the mood, but she came into my bed anyway.

The fifth day was a blur. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom that day.

The sixth day he stopped calling me. Sapnap kept texting me. George had stopped a while ago.

The seventh day Ellie took me on a date. We went to get coffee. We initially went to my work, but as soon as Ellie saw Fen, we turned right around. Ellie said that Fen wasn't a good friend. She said that I should quit that job. She said that the only way I could be happy was if I cut every piece of him out of my life. I believed her.

The tenth day I listened to the internet ruined me by Wilbur Soot. I unfollowed Clay on Twitter. And Instagram. And I deleted his contact. I couldn't bring myself to block him quite yet. Even though Ellie said it was best.

The eleventh day Ellie gave me a kiss. It caught me off guard. It wasn't the same as it was with Clay. there was no sparkle. It made me sad. That made Ellie sad. It made her mad actually. Then I had to clean up the mess she made.

The twelfth day, I went on Twitter. Apparently, his fans were worried. Apparently, he had been looping sad songs nonstop. I thought he would be okay by now. Ellie and I went for a drive that day. We went to the beach where it rained on us. I got sad again. Ellie got mad again. Then I got wet. It wasn't raining.

The thirteenth day I quit my job at the coffee shop. Fen tried to tell me that I shouldn't, but she was on speaker, so Ellie took the phone away. She also told Sapnap to stop texting me. I think he did? I haven't used my phone since.

Today I listened to driver's license on repeat. I tried to eat a PB&J, but it just didn't sit right in me. I haven't really thought about Clay since Tuesday. I was feeling better. I think. I tried to be happy so Ellie could be happy, or maybe so she wouldn't be angry.

I'm still pretty sad, but It's easy now to put on a fake smile. It's almost like pulling a sweatshirt over my head. It's hard to pull it over your head at first, but then it fits well, and you are just there afterward. You know the sweatshirt is on, but it matches your outfit so it's okay.

Am I okay?

No

I am not okay.

I am sad

And trapped.

In a place where I don't want to be.

I don't want to be trapped in this warm uncomfortable skin that is my own.

I don't want to be trapped under a rock that is my own expectations

I don't want to be trapped in Ellie's tight embrace

I want to punch a hole in my bedroom wall.

Maybe then I could dig myself out.

Ellie claims that she is the only way out.

I think she's lying.

But I have no one else to help me.

And I can't do this on my own.

So maybe I will ask for help,

Maybe I will turn to Ellie.

The only one left.

And I'm all alone

Alone

But

Alone

✧∘* ೃ ⋆｡˚. Author's Note

Okay yeah i know that that was super incredibly dark and depressing, but yeah. As I said earlier. You are amazing, and It is OKAY to not be okay! Because you are real and you are amazing and you are cool! Also I'm here to talk! I have struggled with some of this stuff myself, so if you need to rant or anything plz feel free to message me! 

ALSO even though mcc was like kinda chaotic lmao, it was my first mcc and I loved it sm anyway! I ended up watching tommy's pov which was such a good stream to watch, bc I watched dreams vod later and I thought the red rabbits povs were amazing.

Anywasy have an amazing day, and remember to drink some water and get something to eat because you are amazing and you deserve it.

:)

xoxoxoxo

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