Y/n Stark

Trust, guilt & fault

Y/n POV
It was the middle of the Night as I was driving down the streets of down town New York. It was surprisingly silent but I didn't mind that at all. The night wasn't cold but I still had goosebumps covering my body from the wind that came through my window. I parked my car and went straight up to my loft. I remember that I left it in a mess so I decided to clean everything up. I know it was late to do so but no one else lived on my floor so it wouldn't be a problem if I was loud. I didn't want to sleep anyway because I know that I will have my nightmares waiting patiently for me. I started in the kitchen with scrubbing all that dried blood away. My own blood. I was scrubbing aggressively while my tears fell onto the ground. It was therapeutic to get all my anger and frustration out of me this way. At least I could use it in a ‚good' say this Time. I finished in the kitchen and went to my living room that was connected with my bedroom. All the furnitures that where destroyed weren't usable anymore. So I had to throw them away. My table, my vases, the plants, my canvases, the chairs, my table lights. Everything completely destroyed. I gathered everything together and threw them away piece by piece. It was exhausting bringing everything down to the trash area but it was distracting me fully from everything. I swooped away the dust and broken pieces that laid on the ground. I was finished with everything and I was just standing in the middle of my loft looking around. The only thing left are my bedroom and my couch. The only things that actually didn't break or got any damage. I looked through my glass wall that lead to the balcony. The sun was rising. I didn't notice that I spend so much time on cleaning up this mess. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

Wanda POV
She left without giving me a chance to explain myself properly. She finally remembered us but not in a good way. I was crying for a long time sinking into the ground exactly at the point where I stood. I stopped after some time and got up to look for Nat. I know it's probably like three in the morning but I need to talk to her. I just hope she won't be mad if wake her. I knocked softly at her door but didn't hear any response. So I entered quietly hoping she was awake by now. I walked up to her bed side and placed my hand on her shoulder shaking it lightly.
„Nat." I whispered with a shaky voice. She jumped up holding my wrist tight. It took her a couple seconds to realize it was just me. „Fuck Wanda. What time it is? Is everything okay?" she sat herself up and put on her bed light to see me better. She saw my puffy eyes and red cheeks. That answered her question that nothing is okay. „Wanda what happened?" i sniffed and sat down on her bed. „It's about Y/n. We were arguing a couple times. There is so much I need to tell you.." she looked concerned and worried at me. She tapped at her right side of the bed. I was just sitting on the edge but she wanted me to sit properly. I followed her order and sat down on her right side. „So?" she asked digging in further.
„I don't know where to start. There is so much."
„Tell me all of it. I don't like it when my best friends fight. So start at the beginning. I haven't heard anything from the both of you after she left from the meeting room to be on her own." right there was that one thing. „She was destroyed when she met me in. She sat on the ground having a box laid in front of her. She gave me a picture." „what picture Wands..?"
„It was an ultrasound image.. of twins.." Nat's eyes widen at my response. She sat herself up properly.
„A what? Of who?" „it was her's Nat. She carried Thomas twins." Nat held her hand in front of her mouth holding back her breath for a moment.
„She was pregnant?" I smiled slightly but it faded away immediately. „Yes Nat she was. She had been 12 weeks into pregnancy when she lost them."
„Oh god." Nat held onto her stomach for a moment. I know how hard it is for her to talk about pregnancy. She is sterilized and can't get any kids. So I get it how hard it is for her. „The ultrasound is everything she has left of them. She didn't even know she was pregnant until the doctor told her after she got into the hospital because of the accident." „how did she take it?" that's an absurd question. „She blames herself. She thinks she killed them all because of her actions. She was breaking down and begging me to make it stop. She is in so much pain." Nat leaned against the bed frame placing her hands on her face for some seconds. „What happened after that?" „she fell asleep so I put her into the bed. I wanted to leave and talk to you about it but she was asking for me to stay. So I did."
„We slept for a couple hours.. until she had a nightmare." I stopped myself from talking further.
„She wasn't waking up from the nightmare. I was trying but nothing worked so I went into her mind."
Nat sighted at my comment „why Wanda? You know how bad some people react when you go through their mind." I lowered my head because I know she was right. I was was ashamed of doing it because I actually didn't want to. „I had no other choice Nat. She wasn't waking up at all and I was trying to get her out from the inside but it didn't work either."
I was playing anxiously with my rings and fingers.
„What did you see?" I feel like my breathing stopped for a moment. I recalled what has happened to her. It was playing right in front of my eye. „S-she was experimented on." Nat eyes widen again while tears rolled down her face. Knowing that her best friend had been through so much pain is horrible to know, and she wasn't even there for her. She didn't even know. She through she was living her best life in these past five years but they were probably the worst. „She was trapped to a bed and the took a lot of blood from her and injected her with some stuff. She looked weak, extremely skinny and pale." I know I won't get this image of her out of my brain. Not any time soon and it pains me to know that she was going through all of this alone. Completely alone.
„She was mad when she woke up and realized that I went through her head. She told me that no one was supposed to see this side of her. She wanted to keep that part hidden. I broke her trust Nat.." I cried because I realized that I probably lost her forever.
„You will have the chance to gain it back. She will come around trust me." I sniffed at her response shaking my head no. „She won't. That wasn't the only thing. When I left she started to remember us. The night we shared and the kiss with Vision. She came to my room to confront me with that and It didn't end well.." „Oh Wands.. I am so sorry." she placed her hand on ma thigh squeezing it lightly for a moment. „You don't have to. It was my fault all along. She was mad that I didn't tell her. And also mad because of that thing with Vision."
„She probably hates me for everything I did. I broke her even more. She said that what we had was a mistake and that was the reason why she doesn't open up to anyone because she either gets hurt or left behind. I was the one Nat." she looked confused at my last sentence. „I was the first person where
Y/n let her guard down after Thomas and I completely ruined it. She told me that she will never open up again." Nat came close to me to pull me into a loving hug and I needed that now. I cried my eyes out and she just held me. I fell so guilty. I just wish I could turn back time. I stopped crying after a while and we separated from the hug. „Where is she now Wands? Maybe if I talk to her she will come around."
„I don't know she left after everything. She is probably in her room." the sun was already rising up that's when I realized that we both didn't sleep at all.
„I am sorry for keeping you up Nat." I pointed at the window where the sun came through. „No don't apologize. It's okay." she got up to get ready. She probably wants to go to see Y/n. „So let's see where she is." Nat said and we walked through the corridor.
I wanted to go to my room because I don't think that she wants to see me at all. Nat called after me and I stopped right in front of my door. I turned around and she looked worried standing in Y/n door. „She isn't here.." my eyes widen and my heart stopped for a second. Every time when Someone is saying that she isn't where she was supposed to be I can't stop thinking of that night she left and got hurt. „What do you mean? Where can she be?" Nat shrugged her shoulders not having any clue. „Maybe she is somewhere around the compound. I mean it's already morning." that gave me a bit hope. We both rushed to the kitchen first where everyone ate their breakfast and drank their coffee. „Morning Ladys.
W-." I cut Tony of completely before he could talk any further. „Have you seen Y/n?" Nat asked. He raised his head to look at us confused. „No not since yesterday after she saw the video. How is she holding up?" he was worried about his daughter „She's trying to hold everything together but she can't." I answered briefly. „So no one has seen her?"
Everyone shook their head no wich made us worry even more. We both went to her room once again to look for any clues where she might be. „I will go and try to find her in her loft okay Wands." she stroked my shoulder for a moment. „I will come with you."
She shook her head lightly no. „It's better if I go alone this time. I know you want to see her but she might not want to see you at the moment. I will bring her back. I promise. Maybe you can get some rest." yeah how am I supposed to rest after this mess. She left and I didn't want to leave Y/n's room.
That was the only thing that gave me a feeling of being close to her.

Y/n POV
The sun was the only feeling that gave me warmth and comfort. I sat on the balcony watching the sun rise above New York. I had a beautiful view over here. Even in the worst moments I feel a little bit at ease. I was completely lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize that I had company. As she sat down next to me I bought my attention to her for a brief moment. „I was hoping on finding you here." Nat said with a caring voice. „I needed a quiet place and that was the only thing I could think of." I glanced into at the sunrise giving Nat no attention.
„I wish I could have been there for you. I should have looked for you at the moment when you cut of all communication." I shook my head no. „This isn't any of you're fault. It was all on me. I had to keep a low profile or else they would have caught me but I couldn't even prevent that." I played with my sleeves to keep me calm. „But still. I should have come up with the idea that you left for a mission and not something else." she sounded really concerned.
„Every time when I felt at my lowest or I just wanted to talk to anyone I was so close on calling you. I always dialed you're number but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was always thinking about you and the team. About how everyone feels and especially you." I stopped myself for a moment before talking further. „I was alone. I know i could have changed it by calling, but after some time passed I thought I deserved it because I left everyone in the dark."
„Absolutely not. You didn't deserve any of this."
„Feels like I do." Nat came closer and placed her arm around my shoulder pulling me in. I placed my head on her shoulder and we just sat there in silence.
We sat there in silence until the sun was rising high above us. „You're not alone anymore. I am here for you. Everyone is." her last sentence made me think of Wanda. „I know you're implying on something and I can assure you that I won't change. I've been hurt enough and I am done." I raised my head from her shoulder to look at her. „She cares more than you know Y/n." I scoffed at her „what makes you think that I will believe that?" she placed her hand on mine and squeezed it lightly. „Did You know she didn't leave you're side when you were in the coma. Not even one day until you came back. Tell me now that she doesn't care." „maybe she just had a felling of guilt. I know this feeling way to good." she hit the back of my head lightly. „Hey what was that for?"
„Trying to smack some sense in you're brain. I should have done it sooner. She obviously cares and you wouldn't be so effected on her actions if you wouldn't care yourself for her." she knows me to well. I do care somehow. Even tho I don't want to.
„so you Tell me i should forgive her?" she raised a brow at my question. „One day yes. You both lost a lot. You should be there for each other and I mean it that way I really do." I had a sad expression wich I couldn't hide. „Did she tell you?" Nat nod at my question. „It wasn't her place to tell but if I would have told another person I wouldn't stop crying." tears formed in my eyes Blurring my vision.
She pulled me in and gave me a big hug. I cried for a long time but with her I didn't have to hide anything.
„I am so happy to have you back. I missed my best friend." I was talking through my sobbing.
„Me too Y/n. Me too."