Y/n Stark

Back from the mission

Y/n POV
Two days passed since I argued with Wanda in the training room. The team hasn't arrived from their mission wich is worrying me a bit. I also haven't heard anything from them. I haven't left my room since two days and I haven't eaten anything at all. Probably because I was so focused on my thoughts and on everything going on. I am still coping with my loss wich is exhausting. I coped for three years trying to live with it and I am going through it all over again. I just wish I haven't agreed on that mission when Steve and Fury asked me to do so. That was one of my biggest mistakes and the other one was not listening to Thomas when he said let it be and stop the project. How stubborn and ambitious I was. I was standing in the way and every time I close my eyes I hear his voice practically begging to stop. My eyes shut every couple of seconds falling into sleep but I didn't want to. The seconds I am asleep I hear him saying ,Shut it down...' ‚let it be...' ‚i love you' his words echoed in my head on repeat. God I should have listened. I didn't even say I love you back. He didn't hear it from me one last time. I left him in the dark. Subconsciously I heard his voice every time. ‚You left me' ‚you let me die' ‚you let me suffer'  ‚you didn't listen to me'. His words pierced through me like a blade. I got out of bed sweating from the stressing feeling the guilt and overwhelming feelings. I know it's my fault and I wish It could have been me. I would switch places if I could. I don't know how to handle this anymore. It's to much to take process.

A soft knock on my door brought me out of my mind space. I took a quick look in the mirror just to see what kinda of mess I am. Puffy eye bags from all the tears and tiredness. The stress, lack of food and sleep is definitely written all over my face. I couldn't change my appearance so I just walked to the door to open it not knowing who is standing and waiting behind it. „Nat!" she stood there in full pieces and thank god only some scratches from the mission that lasted days. „Missed me Stark?" she opened her eyes and pulled me into a tight hug. I missed her hugs. They gave me comfort in any fucked Up situation.
„You know damn well I did Romanoff." She released us from the hug holding onto the side of my arms.
„So fill me in on the days I missed." she walked past me entering my room and jumping immediately on the bed relaxing instantly. „Not much. How was the mission? Had any problems?" I was obviously avoiding her question wich she realized pretty fast. She pulled her head up to look at me standing beside her and not laying in the bed. I don't wanna sleep that's why I am standing and walking around.
„Nothing that we couldn't handle. Some bad guys here and there but we finished everything properly."
She looked me attentive up and down taking in every detail of my limp body. „You're avoiding my question from before. What's going on Y/n?" she sounded worried. The worrying tone didn't leave since I came back and it's not that nice. „I am fine. Just a bit tired." that actually isn't a lie. I am fucking tired. If I close my eyes more than a couple seconds I would fall asleep standing. „Come on lay down and fill me in." she tapped onto the bedside next to her. I moved around the bed to sit down on it not allowing myself to fall down onto it. I leaned against the bed frame wich made her curious. „Something obviously happened the time I was gone. I saw Wanda and she didn't seem quiet happy. And according to you're hands." she pointed at my hands that are tied up in bandages. „Something definitely must've happened."
She squeezed her eyes at me „so spill." she is probably the best person if it comes to getting informations out of Someone and you can't hide anything from her. I don't wanna make her worry more. „I will give you the short version because I am not really into talking about it." she nod and leaned on one elbow to prop herself up a bit. „I had a pretty displeasingly conversation with tin man. He was just asking questions about Wanda and I. If I feel anything for her and he just wanted to make sure that I am not in his way." I leaned my head against the bed frame trying to relax but not to much. „After that I left to do some training. Wich obviously didn't end well." I raised my hands in defeat. „Wanda then came surprisingly in and wanted to talk to me. Wich also didn't end well..." Nat stayed silent for a moment taking everything in I just said. „Why didn't the left with you on the mission?" I asked her trying to find anything out. Her eyes fell and that answers my question. „You know what Never mind you don't have to tell me." I got up to walk to the window where I can see the rain falling constantly. Nat sat up in the bed. „I thought it was good to let you be with her. You evidently needed to talk and sort things out. Also I didn't want to leave you alone." I scoffed at her crossing my arms against my chest. „I don't need any babysitter Nat. Especially not Someone I don't want to talk to. I am actually pretty good on my own." this made her stand up to get more into the conversation. „I know you don't need one but it's safer this way." I narrowed my eyes at her trying to analyze her even more. „What do the others have to say? I doubt that it was you're idea only." „they all agreed on This." I shook my head in disbelief. I didn't want to talk to her but I had to listen to what the others have to say. „Where are you going?" Nat asked me walking right behind me. „Seeing what the others have to say." I entered the living area where everyone gathered together. They all looked at me adjusting my presence. „Ivey good to see you Y/n." I glanced at Steve who had a soft smile on his face. That will disappear faster than he will know.
„Why Are you letting Wanda and Vision babysit me?
You think I can't be good on my own for some solid days?" everyone's expression fell as they saw how angry I was. „Sweetie it's for you're own safety." dad spoke up with a soft calm voice. „No it's not. I can defend myself. Not to mention I was alone for five years." Steve got up from his seat tensing up on my comment. „You vanished for years Y/n. How can you ‚take care of yourself'." I narrowed my eyes at him for saying this. „I had my reasons for the last three years. Don't judge me for something that I didn't want in the first place Rogers." I pointed at him Getting angrier with every second. „What possible reason could you have? I know you lost Thomas but after that you could have come home. We could have taken care of you." his voice got louder. All eyes were on me and Rogers. I felt how Nat and Wanda watched me closely. They both knew about my mental and physical conditions. They knew about my powers but they didn't know that I wasn't eating anything in the last days. „You have no idea. Nobody does. You think I didn't want to come home? Be safe again and secure. Around my family. The team that became my family. I fucking couldn't because I was in the hospital for who knows how long and after that I was taken!!" the room fell into silence as my last words dropped. Everyone's eyes widen and my dad got up to come closer. „You what?" he sounded shocked. „You all heard me right. Some people took their chance and decided to abduct me."
„This is why you didn't answer on me or Fury the whole time? Because you couldn't?" I nod in agreement. „Yes Rogers that's why. I wanted nothing more to be home." tears filled my eyes because I couldn't hold my frustration back. It took over my anger at the team. „And you know what's so frustrating about it?" I stopped myself to swallow that lump in my throat. „I knew exactly that nobody would look after me." my heart broke my finally opening up a bit about my past three years.
„We're so sorry." I heard a soft voice from Wanda wich came fro the side approaching me. I laughed lightly at her apology. „This isn't you're fault. It the fault of the others." „I wanted to do it Y/n. I wanted to look for you but fury said no." I scoffed at him.
„Yeah I heard that already. You're way to good on following orders. As a soldier should am I right?"
It was silent for a while before I spoke up again.
„Every day. Every minute and every second I held onto you all. I wanted to come home. They did inexpressible things to me wich I don't want to go into or else I won't recover from again. After some time I lost it. The hope. The faith on you rescuing me. I was lonesome and broken. Unable to be fixed.
So don't Tell me that I can't take care of myself because I was the one who got out of this hell. Me alone and with no one else beside me." I gasped sharply for air. I looked around and saw a heartbroken team. Wanda was close beside me so was Nat trying to catch me if something goes off. I just shook my head and left without saying anything.

I wakes into my room and I saw how the tears landed on the ground I was walking on. I am a mess and now everyone knows it. I hate to show this side of me. The weak, defeated, helpless and broken person I've become. My body felt numb from all the exhaustion. I threw myself onto the bed not realizing that I fell into sleep instantly. It didn't last long until I started to dream about everything. It flew in like you see you're memories flashing my one last time before you die. The most concise memories. The most painful. The ones that hurt you the most. The torment. The agony I felt ever second of the day in these years of loneliness. All of it flashed by. Constantly on repeat. The worst nightmare you can ever have. Replaying my fears and my emotions.
„Please stop!!" I don't know why but these dreams fell so real. Like their actual torturing me again.
„Stop!! I am begging you. STOP!!" my pleading was so loud that I fell like I was screaming.

Wanda POV
My worries grew after Y/n argued with Steve and the team. She was so desperate angry and frustrated. She was hurt and the problem was that they didn't even see it on their own. She kept everything under the surface wich was making everything worse. I paced around in my bed not knowing how to fall asleep tonight. In the last time I didn't had any restful nights. Probably because I can feel that Y/n isn't having any either. I stoped turning as I Heard- muffed voices from the room down the hall. It only can be Y/n's room. I jumped up instantly to go look after her. I know we didn't end well but god I care so much for her. Even more than I care for myself wich is actually scaring me. I knocked slightly at her door hoping that she is awake and that I was just paranoid but I was wrong. There was no answer but the muffed voices that became louder with every word. I opened the door and entered her room. Going directly to her bed where she was laying covered in sweat and a fearful expression. „Let me go." she said in a tearful voice. „Y/n hey wake up..."
I put on the bed light and sat right next to her shaking her shoulder slightly. No response.
„Stop. I didn't do anything. Please stop!!!" she sounded desperate and defeated trapped in her own personal nightmare. „Y/n WAKE UP!! Please!" I slapped her face multiple time a bit and that made her jolt up in a scared scream. „Hey it's okay. You will be fine. It was just a nightmare okay."
I stroked her shoulder and she crawled back keeping a distance from me. „Please don't Touch me." seems like she didn't remember her surroundings at first.
„Y/n hey look around. It's me Wanda. You're safe here. You're home..." she started to gaze around the room and she calmed down a little bit. She rubbed her eyes closing the shut trying to wash the nightmare out of her eyes. She let out a shaky breath as she lifted her head again facing me. „Sorry I- I shouldn't have fallen asleep. You can leave now."
I narrowed my brows at her because I didn't like what I heard. „I am not leaving Y/n. I won't let you be on you're own. You don't have to." she just looked into my eyes not saying anything. „How long haven't you slept?" I asked in a soft concerning tone.
„Does it matter? I just dreamed bad that's all."
I tilted my head at her being so defensive and cold.
„It does to me. I can clearly see that you haven't slept in a while. Let alone that you also haven't eaten anything. I can help you with that. You just have to let me Y/n." she looked tired and extremely exhausted. „Haven't slept in 4 days and food wasn't really a priority." I came closer to her and she let me.
She didn't move an inch of her body As I came closer. „Then let me help you..." I pleaded as I placed my hand on her thigh.