Y/n Stark

Tense discussion

Y/n POV
Wanda and I laid in bed for the rest of the time after I left the med bay. I was really tired and I felt like the weight off emotions crushed down onto my chest. I can't sleep wich isn't new. I don't know when I have sleep without overthinking everything. These feelings keep me up at night and I can't stand it. I feel like I am going insane with every second I don't sleep. But if I sleep I dream about the stuff that happened to me and I would do anything to not go back to this place. Wanda feel asleep right beside me hugging my arm. So I couldn't really move or go for a walk in the safe house. I watched how the clock changed from every second to minute and to hours. The ocean view was beautiful but it couldn't keep me distracted from my thoughts. Not long enough. I watched down to Wanda how she cuddled up on me.
She looks adorable. I don't know why she wants to be around me that much. I can't let this happen again, even if I want to with every inch of my body. She deserved better. More than just a broken and fragile person. There's nothing to fix with me. I will only drag her down with me wich I don't want to. But yet she keeps me grounded and floating at the same time. Like I can be me around her and not just one who wears a mask. The real me. She is the first one where I feel completely safe. It wasn't the same with Thomas, and I don't think i will ever feel like this with another person again. Wanda is everything I have ever asked for but I don't think I deserve it. My thoughts kept me up all night. The whole night until I saw how the sun was rising up behind the ocean. I haven't seen this in a long time. It made me cry. I missed so many sun rises. I missed so many times where I could stargaze. Where I could hear Wanda's laugh and see how her beautiful eyes lightened up. I wanted to get up to make Wanda some breakfast. I know damn well she has been doing everything she can to bring me back. I released myself slowly from her not trying to wake her up wich worked. I guess she hasn't slept well either in a long time. She needs the sleep.

I went for a hot long shower wich was the best I felt in ages. The water falling down onto my body. The boiling water wich burned my skin. I had to feel this. After my shower I jumped into some comfy clothes and went to the kitchen. Wanda was still fast asleep wich I was relieved about. I walked up to the kitchen and saw that it was already 9 am. Perfect time for breakfast. I started to make some pancakes wich I haven't done in a while. Not even before I was gone for eight months. I usually never bake or cook. Not that I can't but I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. I ate two pancakes to get something into my system but I let the rest for Wanda.
„Morning" I shrugged together in shock. I looked up and it wasn't Wanda. „Dr Cho. Morning." she smiled softly at me as she approached the kitchen table.
„I see you are up early. Shouldn't you get some rest?"
She is nice but she is doing her job well. She is looking after me as I am her patient currently.
„Not really tired doc." she raised a brow as she poured herself a mug of coffee. „Try to fool me again and you will see what you have to deal with. I know that you haven't slept." I looked her right in the eyes as she shook her head no. „Y/n I think I have a Solution for you not sleeping and everything." I ate the last bite of my pancakes and started to clean up my plate. „Wich is?" I asked without looking at her.
„I think you should go to therapy." I raised my head slowly stopping cleaning my plate in track. She looked serious but so did I. „I don't think it's necessary doc. I am fine." she sat down watching me closely. „I am sorry to tell you this but you have to. I heard you're conversation with Wanda when you woke up. You don't sound like You're fine." some type off anger builded up in me. Probably because she listened to my conversation with Wanda.
„Who gave you the permission to listen to my conversations?" I raised a brow looking her right into the eyes not breaking the contact.
„You're father ordered me to do so. I have to keep an eye on you." my jaw tensed up as she said that my dad demanded her to do so. „And what. He thinks he can tell me how to process my pain? I am not even 24 hours back to consciousness and he fishes around in my life yet he isn't here." I didn't realize that I raised my voice at her. „He cares for you Y/n and he is worried. If you don't want to do it for him then at least do it for yourself. You know as a scientist yourself that you can't keep you're body like this for long. You don't even have to talk to me about everything. We have someone specialized on the topic therapy."  She has a point. I know damn well that I can't keep doing this for long and my body is already to exhausted. „You think it's easy for me to talk. I can't even talk to Wanda completely open about it. And you think I can do it to a complete stranger?" She closed her eyes rubbing them in tiredness and letting out a sight. „Maybe it's better if you talk to someone who isn't involved with it all. I won't say that it's easy. It will be tuff and painful. Going through trauma and reliving it. But it will help you later. You will lose a lot of weight from you're shoulder and maybe you can talk someday with Wanda about it." I let out a sight. I think she is convincing me. „Fine. But I don't want Wanda to know." I looked into the sink and started to wash my plate again. „You don't have to be ashamed off excepting help. This is strong Y/n." I shook my head no. „Sure doesn't feel like it." she smiled softly at me as I looked up again. „But it will Y/n. I can assure you that." she took another sip from her coffee.

„This smells delicious." I heard and my head shoot directly into the direction off Wanda's voice. She walked in rubbing her eyes and smiling bright at me.
I brushed off my pre emotions and conversation with dr Cho putting on a fake smile. „I thought I'd make you breakfast." she sat down and I put her plate off pancakes in front off her. „Thanks. But why did you do breakfast." she put on Sirup and Wiped cream while asking. „I felt like it...and you deserved it." she raised her head at my last sentence. „Don't look at me like that Wanda." I was still cleaning up while she watched me closely. „I know how much you've been looking for me and you haven't had a quiet time in a while. So enjoy you're breakfast. You absolutely deserve it." she smiled but it faded away after some seconds. „Have you eaten anything?" she asked me and i nod yes in response. „I did. You can ask Cho. She saw me eat." I pointed at Dr Cho who sat across the table drinking her coffee. „She did indeed." she nod into Wanda's direction.
„So I will head into the med bay. I will see you later Y/n for you're daily check up." she got up pointing into my direction. „See you later." I answered and she left. I zoned out while cleaning up and I didn't realize that Wanda was talking to me until she snapped her fingers. „Stark hey?? I asked you something." I snapped out of it and looked at Wanda. „Please don call me Stark." I started drying the plates. „I will stop. But why?" she asked and I actually didn't want to answer it but I did anyways.
„I don't think that I am in good terms with my dad now. Locking me up and all that stuff." she nod in comprehension. „I didn't agree on doing this with you. But he was pushing it way to far." I just nod at her. „I don't know what i will do if I see him again. I can't face him. I don't know if I can face anyone."
She raised a brow and her look for more concerned.
„Why that?" I scoffed at her question. „Well you have serial Killer with mutated powers standing in front of you. Also Worked for hydra twice too. So you Name it. I don't think i will be Welcomed with open arms in the compound." she shook her head violently no. „This is bullshit Y/n. Everyone wants you back. We all care for you. Everyone does and we all want you back. You belong to us." tears started to build up and I don't know for how long I can keep them from falling. „Even After all the things I've done?"  she nod yes. „Even After Everything." I let the plate down onto the table letting out a sight. „Do you know what makes us good persons?" I shook my head no at her question. „That When we make any bad mistakes we start to regret the things we did. With every  bone in our body. This is what makes us good people. You regret all of it I can see it and feel it and this is what makes you forgivable." I looked at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes too.
„I was horrible Wanda." she got up from her chair and came closer to me. „We all did horrible things
Y/n. Tony with creating Ultron. Nat working for the KGB. Me with the incidence in Lagos. Hell even Bucky who worked for hydra himself. We all forgave each other. Because we all regretted our decision. Don't forget that. You're not alone." she Stroked my tears away while cupping my face. I placed my forehead against hers felling how her breath hitched at our sudden contact. „Just please. Don't shut me out." we stayed like this for a moment until our lips locked together. She kissed me gently. I tasted my salty tears mixed with hers. I kissed her for a moment and separated myself from her.
„I am sorry Wanda I can't." her eyes were filled with hurt and tears. „It's not you. It's me. I- I just can't. Not now and not ever. I am sorry." she looked puzzled at me not knowing why I am saying this.
„But I w-." I interrupted her directly. I know if I heard those words I would have gave in.
„No Wanda. You don't understand I can't. Please respect my decision." she tilted her head at me.
„No Y/n. This is exactly what I asked you not to do. You shut me out. I won't give up on you. I can't."
I could hear her tears in her voice wich made my heart hurt Even more. „No. I am not shutting you out. You should give up on me. I don't want you to get hurt. I've done enough." she took a hold of my hand wich made me shrug together. „You Are hurting me if you shut me out. Don't let this happen. Please. Can't you see that I am giving everything I can to help you." I looked at her as she pleaded for me to let her in. „I don't think i will ever be ready for this. You deserve better Wanda and this isn't me."
„Let me decide what's best for me Y/n." I released my hand from hers wich made her gasp quietly.
„What do you want with me Wanda? I am broken. I am fragile. I am a fucking mess. I am still coping about my fucking ex boyfriend. About my kids. About all the things I went through. Not just in the last five years but mainly now because of the last eight months. I've changed but not for the better. I am lost I fell nothing and everything at the same time. I can't keep my mind at ease. I overthinking every single shit. Everything I have done and I have felt while being tortured almost to death. How do you expect me to live like this. I CAN'T." I yelled at her and she just took everything in. All I've said. I blew up like a fucking balloon and exploded.
She wanted to step closer to me but I didn't let her as I took a step back.
„Wanda. I can't..."