Again

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TW: self harm and brief suicidal thoughts

You know what I find scary?
The fact that I haven't made it to a day clean for awhile
And I don't think I want to
I want to keep hurting myself
Keep creating scars
Keep seeing blood and blisters,
And cuts and burns

It's morbid
I know that
I know this means I'm getting bad again,
But to be honest I don't really care
I've been getting bad again for months now
Hell, I can hardly remember this entire year
Obviously I'm getting bad again

I don't know how long I can put 'again' in that sentence before it becomes inaccurate
Maybe I'm just progressively getting worse and there's nothing I can do about it
Maybe I'm just doomed to fail
Doomed to kill myself in the end

(26/5/21)

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