A Glimpse Into My Brain

Doctors

TW: self harm, suicide/suicidal thoughts & medical stuff

Talking over the phone with doctors is terrifying
I have to tell them enough to be taken seriously
Enough for them to be very slightly worried

But not enough for them to bring up the topic of mental health
Not enough that they start asking me about my own
Not enough to make them think mental stuff is affecting me

My doctors think I handle stress well
I have enough of it in my day to day life
I don't handle it that well though
I never have
They'll never know that though

They have to ask me if I've ever purposefully hurt myself or thought about suicide
And I have to tell them no
I've already told them no
So I can't tell them yes

I can't tell the gender clinic at the hospital about it either
That might make it harder for me to get top surgery
And if I actually make it to 16 and am eligible for it
I wouldn't be able to survive not getting it

There's only four ways my doctors would ever find out
1. They see my cuts/scars
2. My parents find out and tell them
3. I finally decide to tell them some of it so they can help me better
Or 4. I kill myself and they learn that way

(23/5/21)