A Glimpse Into My Brain

Memories I Wish To Forget

TW: abuse

I was stuck in the corner
As you screamed
Scared and frightened
You showed no remorse

I was forced to watch as you picked up the chair
The last wooden one at the table
You swung it down so hard it broke
The legs broke off and the seat came unattached

I was frozen in the corner
My breath caught in my throat
Not daring to make a sound
As mums china rattled in the case
You screamed and I forget the words
Which is good
I don't want to remember

I awoke to screaming
Many nights in a row
I heard heavy footsteps
And then my brother screamed in fright
My mum rushed in to stop you

I was just stuck in my bed
Under the covers
Pulled up to my head
I cried silent tears until I fell asleep
None of you even know I know this story

Everyone's screaming
It's an argument that's to be expected
And so is what's about to come next

You scream loud
Drowning everyone else out
My eyes fill with tears of fright
I'm a child that's normal
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!"

I should be used to that phrase
But all it does is make me cry harder
You grab my wrist and drag me to my room
I try to tell you to stop, it hurts, please let go, I'm sorry!
You just get even more mad

Pushing me into my room
I watch as your hand comes down to spank me
You slam the door a second later
I'm left standing in my room, crying, alone and scared

3 years later and I still remember
Kids remember more than you think
We remember who hurt us
How to avoid angering them

Stay quiet
Don't talk loud
Don't break anything
Always know what your mood is
Don't let our guard down, for that's when you could strike

I'll never tell you I remember this
I'll never tell you it still hurts me
I'll never tell anyone else either
I'll keep it all inside

It's been 3 years
Why should I still be affected
Why should it still matter
Who would believe me anyways, I was only a child after all

(13/4/20)