A Glimpse Into My Brain

I Don't Know

TW: self harm

It's hard to answer when people ask me if I want to stop
In theory, yes
I don't want to be dependant on it
But in practice, I don't know
I hate that I'm hurting people by continuing to do it
I hate that I have to worry about short and shirt length
I hate that people could find out

But,
I also like it
I like the way it feels
I like the marks it leaves
I like the fact that if I feel like shit I can turn to it
I like the fact that it distracts me from chronic pain
I like the fact that it can make me feel numb when I need to
I like that it can get the bugs out from under my skin

I hate the fact that the like list is longer yet it still took me less time to write
See, I hate my self harm but I also like it
It's morbid
But I'm addicted
And I don't know if I want to stop anymore

(4/6/21)