A Glimpse Into My Brain

My Drawings

TW: serious talk of self harm

I'm sorry that I draw
I promise I'm trying so hard to stop
But sometimes it's the only thing that helps
It's a fucking addiction

I'm so tired of keeping it a secret
I don't want you to worry
Because if you saw my drawings you would worry
I know that
My drawings aren't happy

My drawings show who I am
My drawings are a constellation of all I've been through
And I hate them
I wish I never picked up that pen
Never started drawing

But it was an accident the first time
I didn't mean to
But then I couldn't stop

Drawing after drawing littering my space
So many that I can't keep track of anymore
Too many to count
Too scary to see

I have to keep them hidden
I want to tell people I draw
But what would they think
These aren't happy drawings

These are drawings of sadness and panic
When the only thing I could do was draw
When my mind told me to do it
When I was angry and panicked and I couldn't stop
When the memories hurt to much
Drawings of all my bad memories
Laid out on my skin

You see these drawings I create aren't made with markers and on paper
These drawings are made with silver and come out red
I have been drawing for 2 years now
I don't know when I'll be able to stop
I'm sorry
But I'm not going to stop trying

(10/12/20)