A Glimpse Into My Brain

Being Right

CW: mentions of cancer

People say that knowing you're right is a good feeling
They say it feels empowering
That being right gives them a confidence boost

I hate being right
I hardly raise my hand in class
Because I don't want to be wrong or right
Being right feels like being stabbed
It's the worst feeling in the world

And maybe this is just a stupid me thing
But when you're right about your mum having cancer
And, 4 years later, you're right about it being cancer in her lungs
Being right isn't very good anymore

I never told anyone I was right about this
I never brought it up as a suggestion
I knew they were already thinking it
I didn't want to make it worse by telling them
Telling them that their 10 year old child was right
Telling them that their 14 year old child was right again

Being right is terrifying
It's the worst feeling in the world
It's even worse when it's the first time
When you don't know the feeling that will accompany it
When you don't know those hours, days, or even weeks of breathlessness
The feeling of panic that grips you tight and refuses to let go
The physical pain you feel in your chest
The horrible sensation as the realization washes over you
The guilt at the thought that if you had just mentioned something earlier
It might have been caught quicker
It's all hell
And there's no way to get out of it

I just hope
Beyond anything I've ever hoped for before
To not be right in the thought that she could die
I can't be right about that
I can't be right about something like that again
Please don't let me be right about that
Please please don't let me be right about that

(26/6/21)