A Glimpse Into My Brain

Fighting

TW: suicidal thoughts & suicide

Why do people think it's easy to end it?
To kill yourself?
Why do people make it seem like we don't think of those we'll hurt?

You have not seen the years of fighting
Of wishing I could just die naturally
Of being angry at myself for even thinking of this knowing I'll hurt others

You have not seen what we have done to survive
Hurting ourselves so we don't kill ourselves
Pretending it's fine so maybe, just this once, we can fool our brains
Hoping and praying to whoever we believe in to please help us
Let us get through the night
Asking them to take away our pain so we don't inflict pain on others

So many of us fight suicidal thoughts daily
Not acting on them because we don't want to hurt others
Because we know we'll hurt others
Being scared of the possibility that those we love could follow us
Scared that we don't know who is suicidal

We cope in so many different ways,
From drinking and smoking,
To staying with friends and family all the time,
To calling help lines or 911,
Some of us even use self harm as a coping strategy

You have no idea the pain someone is in when they commit suicide
When they get suicidal thoughts
You don't understand unless you've been the one standing on the ledge
Or holding something that's capable of killing you

We fight so that we don't hurt others
Yet you tell those of us who fall they're weak?
Because they couldn't handle tremendous amounts of pain?
Because you think you could survive it?
Because you don't know what their mind was like?
Fuck off

So many of us have been waiting with baited breath
Hoping against all hope
To make it through the day
Just one more night
One more letter
One more text
One more hug
One more call
One more
One more
Just. One. More
Please

(12/6/21)