A Glimpse Into My Brain

They Aren't Real

TW: talk of possible hallucinations

The thing is, I know they're not real
I know The People aren't real,
I know that I'm in my room,
I sometimes know The Voices aren't real
But in the moment?
They're as real as my blade.

I'd say as real as me but I'm never quite sure if I'm real
Or floating somewhere between real and fiction
I hardly keep a handle on what's reality in the moments
And that's just because I'm paranoid that my parents or brother will hear me

Hear me banging around my room,
Yelling at everyone to leave me the fuck alone
And the louder I am
The more aggressive they get
The more they grab at me and call me names
The more violent they get
Physically and mentally

I don't know what they are
I don't know why I see and hear them
I have ideas
But I've hardly done research for fear that I'll find answers to my questions
Then I would have to confront my fears

Confront my fears that they may be hallucinations
They've been around since before I started my meds so I can't even use those as an excuse
I have no excuses
I would only have answers that they're hallucinations

And I can't have that answer
Because it's wrong
It's just my imagination
I'm just making it up
Probably for attention to
Why else would I have them?

And the worst part of it,
I know I just wrote the above paragraph to convince myself
One person knows
I'm terrified of having an episode and Them returning tenfold
But if I let myself believe that it's just for attention
Maybe they'll go away
Maybe they'll give me a break
Does it make me feel like shit? Yes
But if I confronted that I might get answers
And if those answers turn out to be the ones I have written above
It'll terrify me
And make me confront things I'd rather just push back
So I'm not going to try for answers
It's safer that way

(28/6/21)