A Glimpse Into My Brain

Emotions

TW: emotion problems, implied suicidal thoughts, & self harm

I hate how I feel things
I feel them so fucking strongly
Which can be good or bad or deadly
Depends on what it is and the day
(And my proximity to a blade, but let's not talk about that)
But I don't feel anything for long
Usually

I feel happiness, that's what I think it is, by myself
Rarely
Normally it's just me feeding off other peoples happiness
Or when I'm reading something
Often times fanfic 'cause it has characters I love
But the second I'm away from people, or done the reading
It's gone
Almost instantly

Sadness is also a rare feeling
True sadness anyways
I can't remember the last time I felt truly sad by myself
It's a very easy emotion to feed off of though
And usually I feel someone elses sadness stronger than them
Whish is annoying

Disgust I almost never feel
Unless someone is bigoted
Then I'm pretty much automatically disgusted by them

Fear on the other hand
I can't remember the last time a day passed without me feeling fear
Whether it's fear to sleep,
Fear of getting blood on my clothes
Fear of someone finding something
Fear that someone is going to find out a secret
It's almost constant

And the second last emotion I feel and will talk about here
Anger
Anger is always strong no matter what
Not matter who I'm mad at
Where I am
Who I'm with
What happened
It's always strong right away
Like a punch in my chest
Makes me feel breathless
And I know right away what it is
It's fucked up

And then there's nothing
Whenever I'm mot feeling one of these emotions
Or a spin off
There's nothing
No spark
No fire
No rain
Or water
Nothing
I'm stuck in it
Sometimes in situations where I'm supposed to feel something
There still isn't anything
Nothingness is hard to get out of
You're stuck in it
I'm usually stuck in it to some degree
I don't know if I hate it though
It's probably the only reason I'm still alive
And I have no idea if that works in it's favour or not

(21/6/21)