Every Second There Is Love

Chapter Nineteen ~ While I Still Have You

Chapter Nineteen ~ While I Still Have You

~Nancy's Point of View~
Maybe it's impossible to ask for forgiveness, maybe life wasn't as easy as I thought. Or maybe now that I'm worth no one, no one would listen to me. Being most popular in the school gave me support of the whole school, which was the reason behind why someone would give in and listen to my orders. Under all that pressure and hate.. but now I'm alone, with no friends. The only person who I have is my brother. I messed up, although he's older than me, I have the responsibility to take care of him. My parents took him in when he was still young.. he has no parents but mine, I should give him the love from a sister, from a family. I should teach him how to be a good person, but I was more of a bad influence to him. I messed up as a guidance to him. No matter how much I hate someone, I should let this hatred affect the people I love around me. I've got Brandon to think bullying someone was normal, I've got him to think that (YourName) was lying about her illness, I can't take it all back and I can't brainwash him. What have I done to him? Can I possibly cover up everything with being nice to everyone? There's a ton of weight pulling my smile down. I want to try to smile to everyone I pass by to give them happiness, but they give me a disgusted face towards the end. Do they hate me this much? What have I done to them to get this? Shouldn't I get another chance?

Nancy: hey.. why are you all giving me this type of face.. I gave you a smile, I'm trying to be nice, can't you be nice to me back at least? I deserve a chance don't I? At least give me a smile back if you don't want to give me a chance.. don't be a jerk..

MeiHan: says the real jerk, I can't believe you've done that to (YourName)! Before trying to get friends, manage your freakish brother first! Make sure he doesn't go around like a drunk freak, making fights with Luhan.. stay away from Luhan and (YourName)! Have you ever gave us smiles when we gave them to you? No.. you thought you were so great, you gave us the same hateful face, we're just returning the favor. So don't act like we should feel bad for you.

Nancy: I know I made a mistake, but I want to change and make it up, you have to give me a chance..

MeiHan: you never gave us a chance.. why should we give you a chance? I'd love to give you a chance because I'm not that cold, mean girl like you, but your crazy brother attacked Luhan first.. and please don't mistake, Luhan is my cousin. I ship Luhan and (YourName) together.

Nancy: I apologize for his actions but please..

Well that's rude.. how can you walk away from me when I'm actually being sincere about saying sorry. Or was that how I acted to others when they really meant to say sorry? Is this how other people felt about me back then? That's really rude of me.. I don't even know what type of monster I am. Without knowing what I've caused for each and every person in this school, I'm asking for forgiveness.. What am I asking them to forgive me for? Saying sorry to them without knowing why is literally saying sorry without sincerity. Trying to figure out every little thing I've done to each person is impossible! But how can I possible say a sincere sorry to them?! Why am I complaining? It's only been three days of school! It won't be that hard to find out who've I've been rude and mean to within these three days. No matter how much thinking i must do, I'll find out every reason why they hate me, because I really want to say this sorry with meaning. I've only been bullying (YourName) and MeiHan honestly but then why would everyone else turn their backs on me? Have I been harsh to them as I gave them orders? Or is it the fact of just telling them to do things without them really wanting to.

~FlashBack~
Angel: Nancy.. I hope I don't offend you, but I'm really tired of you ordering me to go pick on MeiHan and (YourName). MeiHan was my best friend and I don't see what's so bad about (YourName), she's so innocent, she's actually really nice if you get to know her, why are you doing this?

Nancy: Shut the hell up! Forget about MeiHan, she can't get you anything, I can be your real friend, I have much more that you need that what she has. Friends, popularity, money, guys, everything! Just listen to me and please don't tell me that she's innocent. Both of them are messed up! You clearly don't even know what's happening! You clearly you don't see why I hate them! You can't understand anything! So don't say they're innocent! They are far off from being innocent.

Angel: I understand you're jealous of them! I get that you pick on MeiHan because she's so close with Luhan! you're jealous! You pick on (YourName) because she's even more close to Luhan! Actually they're in love! They're dating and you hate it! Why do you do this all over one guy? Is he that worth it to make you go out of your mind and do this?

Nancy: it's not just over Luhan! You don't even know everything! So how can you come to speak to me about this? Who allowed you to shout at me?! We said you could?1

Angel starts to walk away

Nancy: hey! I didn't say you could leave.. here.. take this, use it to cut off MeiHan's hair off, it annoys me.. I have her in my next class, and her hair is on my table! I hate it! Just cut everything off!

Angel: Are you crazy? Today is only the second day of school..  you barely use your table anyways and you haven't even warned her about it either so how can you just do that?! You're so cruel, your mind is messed up! Give me that! I'm not going to cut her hair off, I'll cut yours if I can! I'm throwing this away.. and stop ordering me to do things, I'm not going to listen to you anymore! Go to the doctors or something!

~End of Flashback~

I was really mean.. I didn't even care of her feelings, I just was irritated of her hair and didn't even think. Yea I could have spoke with her about it and settle it in a much better way than cutting her hair. I shouldn't have forced Angel to always bully MeiHan because they were best friends. I was there to ruin such a beautiful friendship. It all makes sense that MeiHan and Angel hates me, because if I was one of them, I would hate myself just as much as they do now. Even now, I've lost a close friend, who've I've somewhat trusted. I never explained why I bullied them but she went along with it, I guess the reason behind bullying her really made her upset and angry. Bullying people over two guys? This is so childish of me, I hate it that I lost this friendship because of my own actions. The only person I can blame is myself, for my own actions, for the person I've become. There's so much I never understood, how others people felt. I only cared for mine.

~My Point of View~
Me: Luhan you'll always be with me right? You'll always love me?

Luhan: always.

Me: let's watch a movie? I want to pick the movie.

I chose a movie where the main character was just like me, who made the same type of mistake in a relationship. I chose it because I want to be able to ask what Luhan would feel about the main character if he was the guy who dated the main character. If he hated that main character, he would hate me too if he found out what I've done. I regret everything right now. After watching the movie, if Luhan is still calm, that means he'd forgive me for what I've done. Then I would be able to let it all out and tell him the truth without regretting anymore but he talks smack about it, then I would fear to tell him the truth. I would definitely not tell him anything at all but I would have a heart full of regrets forever. It would be fake if Luhan was not mad at me if he found out because he always sees me as an angel, he sees me as an innocent girl, he portrays me as this girl who is true to the relationship, but if he finds out I'm completely opposite, he'd probably break up with me. He probably wouldn't even be friends with me. But if I have to tell the truth, I will. Maybe I'll lose Luhan but if that's the only way to take away this heart of regrets. While I still I have you, Luhan, I'll spend more time with you but if I knew I was playing with fire, I wouldn't have done this..

...To Be Continued~~~

Thank you for reading <3 Have a great day! Leave comments? it'll be appreciated! Sorry if there are any mistakes such as my grammar or spelling. Feel free to correct me(: