Every Second There Is Love

Chapter Thirty Four ~ Thinking About 'Us'

Chapter Thirty Four ~ Thinking About 'Us'

My eyes searched around the classroom, looking for Lay. I got off my seat tapped someone, to whom seemed to look like Lay. "Lay?!" I shouted as I placed my hands on his shoulders. He turned to me and gave me a "what the hell" look. It's not Lay. I pulled out my phone and searched through my contacts. I mumbled his name until I found his number.
"No using cellphones in class!" The teacher yelled.
Sigh.. I'll have to wait until after class to speak with Lay. Time please tick by faster.. I constantly tapped my hands on the table as my eyes focused on the clock. I turned from right to left, I just can't keep still. I need to talk with Lay.
"Pay attention Luhan!" The teacher shouted at me. "Stay after class, I'll have a word with you."

~After Class~
Lay came into the classroom. I rushed to him and dragged him to the front.
"I'll give you only five minutes to talk. Once my class starts, you're out of here, you hear me?" The teacher commands.

I turned to Lay and questioned him,"You like (YourName) right? I remember to the point where we had a fight over her. Are you still after her?"
"I kind of lost interest.. I'm sorry to put you through so much. If I just withdrew from this 'competition' everything would be fine right now. I'm sorry.. Do you still love her?" Lay responded.
"Of course.. for some reason I don't want to hate her, I want to hate myself for being such a jerk. What is there to be mad at? Over a lie? I've realized that I was only upset because it made me worry twice as much for her, I was so scared anything would happen to her. I was scared to lose her. As her boyfriend, shouldn't I always be worrying for her? Shouldn't I protect her as her boyfriend? Now I feel like I was never a good boyfriend to her." I confessed.
"Why don't you ask her out.. you both love each other, let's not waste time." Lay advises me.
"I use to be brave and everything, but now I worry. I'm scared to confront to her, but when I know she's having a hard time because of me, I really just want to hug her. I want to let her know everything is fine." I admit.

I walked off, didn't disturb Lay from learning, and sat by at (YourName)'s locker. I've never had any simpler question than "Do you forgive (YourName)?" Even my math, English, or science questions are harder. Of course I forgive (YourName). I love her so much. The thing that's really bothering me is why I'd ever be mad at her in the first place. Is it because I couldn't trust her? Is it because she didn't trust me enough to let me know it was just a lie? Or did she have plan for the two of us? She must have been tired of being bullied and she must have been tired of seeing me go through so much for her. I admit I was tired from going to school and protecting her, but I won't stop protecting her. There's so much to it, I just don't understand. Isn't it fair enough for the both of us if I just stop questioning this and confess to her that I love her? In the beginning, I never intended to fall for her the way I did. There's always that saying where if you do good deeds for someone, they might just fall for you. I pretended to be so nice to her just to be friends with her. We both did something wrong that both of us would be upset at. If we can just let the two negatives to become a positive thing, like in math how if you times two negative numbers, it'll be a positive number.
I worry that if we start to date again, everyone will talk about it. I've been to one class, and I've already heard so many hateful comments. I'm worried it'll be too much pressure for (YourName). I'm scared she'll have another thing to regret. Is this what she's been going through? To think whether telling the lie was appropriate or not? Thinking of the benefits for the both of us but worrying of what might happen in the future? Did she ever worry for herself in the process of lying? Yes, it stopped people from bullying her. Yes, she made friends. Yes, she smiled more. Yes, we had more time for the two of us to have fun together. Did she only think of this? Or did she trust me that I'll always love her, trust her, and be by her side? If she did, I failed miserably to be her boyfriend. Why is she so silly to trust me like that? I don't even deserve her love..
Even if she didn't lie, there's another thing that'll separate us. Lay has lost interest now because it's too much drama, but if nothing happened, Lay would still be after (YourName). Would I ever have the chance to be with her? Is it destined that something has to separate the two of us? Is it that we're not meant to be?
To think about it, I've never got to say sorry to her. That time when I got mad at her on the rooftop. That day Nancy was going to suicide but (YourName) confessed about her lie. I was so upset, I said words that were never meant to be said. I do realize her love for her and it's so silly that I doubted that she loves me.

I had my face covered in my arms, that rested on my knees. I don't even know what to do. I don't want us to hurt anymore, but no matter what decision I make, we're going to be hurt. Is there another way that won't hurt anyone? I feel a breeze of wind and I look up to see (YourName) sitting next to me.

"I'm sorry.." (YourName) apologizes.
"I can't believe that's the past I went through.." I said disappointingly.
"I'm sorry I lied to you so many times. I don't have the rights to say I love you at all.. It was stupid of me to lie when I had you. You were all I ever needed, but I realized that too late. We'll never go back to the way we use to be." She says, continuing to apologize.
"No.. don't apologize anymore. I don't want to hear that past anymore. I don't see why we need to see each other if we can't go back to the way we use to be. We'll only be left with scars. Our wounds will never heal if it's constantly being infected with germs. You're the germ to my wound, and I'm the germ to your wound. It's best to clear out the germs in our wounds. I'm sorry to upset you if you thought I'd be with you again. To have true love, someone is willing to forgive the other person, no matter what they've done wrong. But, I'm sorry I can't because I don't have that love for you. Maybe if I ever did have that type of love for you, then let me tell you I don't anymore. I'm another person, I'm not the same Luhan you met before. Just keep in mind of how many stitches I have on my head because of getting shot. Just remember that I'll always have a scar left on my back because of taking the knife for you. The old Luhan would take in many many more bullets for you, but I won't. I hope my words are very clear. You can say I don't understand love, but I've never been any clearer of my feelings." I said.
I tried to avoid eye contact with her. I tried to pretend as if I didn't care about her. This could be what's best, to let go, get a break, and if we are really meant to be, we'll be together in the end. I would never ever say those words to her, but I just had to, so she can give herself a break. If she didn't need a break, I do. I really want to say sorry, I do love her a lot, she's not the germs to my wounds, but more like the medicine, the cure to my wounds. Pushing her away is avoiding to take medicine. I hope my choice was right though.. I'm sorry in advance.

Author's Note: This whole chapter is in Luhan's Point of View~

...To Be Continued~~~

Thank you for reading! Thank you so much(: I hope my stories can inspire you in some ways or at least brings smiles to your face! I know some parts of the story is too sad to bring smiles, but I want to let you know I love you ! And appreciate all the time you take to read my stories! But if you ever feel like there's something in the story you dislike, please comment and let me know any suggestions. I'm always opened to suggestions. Just as long as all my readers are happy!(: Have a wonderful day~