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Daydream

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Daydream
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Author :: chimchim_07
Reviewer :: Jiminandhisjams9

First Impression :: 5/20

» Cover :: 2/10
I didn’t like your cover one bit. The pictures don’t match and are placed weirdly. I wouldn’t even know how to fix it, so I’ll just suggest you to change it completely. Plus, why would you use an actual picture of Jimin wearing white and a fanart of Jimin from “Perfect Man”? It makes no sense and doesn’t apply to the story in any way at all.

» Title :: 1/5
“Daydream” is a very common word, and even more common amongst fanfiction titles. However, the worst thing is that this title doesn’t even apply to the story. Neither Y/N nor Jimin daydream of each other, or anything at all.

» Blurb :: 2/5
“Transfer student” is grammatically incorrect and you repeat this mistake not only in your blurb but in your story too. “Transfer student” sounds like you are asking someone to transfer a student, therefore the correct way to say it is “transferred student” - as he is already transferred.

It wasn’t interesting or unique, but not the worst I’ve seen. Plus the things “do opposites attract?” is very cliché. The adjectives you have used to describe the characters are common and boring, but they also don’t apply to the characters (I’ll be elaborating on this later on).

Beginning of a new start :: 2/10

I am sorry but chewing on some mints won’t get rid of the smell of alcohol, or else even more underaged people would be drinking. The first chapter felt very useless, however, it wasn’t just unnecessary, it was boring too. You didn’t bother to add emotions or interesting events.

When Jimin stood up for himself because of the racism I was like “damn, maybe this story has some good aspects...” but as I read the rest, I realized I was wrong. “never mess with an Asian?” that makes no sense for a few reasons. First of all, you just ordinarily shouldn't bully and have a prejudice for humans in general. Second, he introduced Taekwondo to the bullies, which as he stated is Korean, but then he mentioned all of Asia???

Then Y/N “overworking” herself in PE... Y/n overworked herself in just a damned hour of PE so much to the point where she would pass out? I am sorry but this is too extra and unrealistic. It would’ve been okay if she had shown fatigue signs earlier, but she didn’t.

Concept and plot :: 5/25

Honestly, I had no idea what score I should’ve given you. There is no plot… so far until the chapter “memories” which is the current last one. Everything is rushed and poorly-executed, everything is very boring, dull, repetitive and cliché. There is just nothing to compliment about it. Plus, because the story is- because it’s like this, I could only roll my eyes after reading about Y/N’s father; it doesn’t inspire empathy or any other type of emotion.

There are so many unnecessary events and chapters. Your environment is unestablished and hard to understand too. In chapter one, Jimin gets bullied for being “Chinese” or even Asian, yet Namjoon, Y/N, Seokjin are Korean too, but get treated normally? It makes no sense.
And you said that Park Jimin is a Chaebol. Chaebols make up barely 1% of the South Korean population, but if they really are, they are huge. Jimin’s father wouldn’t make Jimin work as a waiter, it won’t help him to manage his future business in any way.

Characters and emotions :: 5/15

“Why is everything revolving around me?” - this makes Y/N sound extremely obnoxious, because, no dear, the world ain’t revolving around you. You described her as a sweet, smart and bold person, but she is none of that. We don’t see her acting intelligently whether it’s in math or just life, we never see Y/N being exactly smart. She isn’t sweet either, she has no personality and can be obnoxious at times.

I couldn’t feel any emotion coming from any character. I couldn’t feel any character, no one was outstanding or intriguing, so much to the point that I have nothing to say. Jimin is supposed to be good at everything, but we only see him do Taekwondo once, be good at PE and math once, that’s pretty much it. This is only spoken of in one chapter.

The relationships between Kai and Jennie, Y/n and Chanyeol are unfelt. Especially Y/N and Chanyeol, how did even begin dating? They went out only once, plus he also he magically turns out to be some type of Chaebol too?

Tone and style :: 4/10

I detest your writing style and I can say that it’s one of the worst ones I’ve ever seen. No, your spaced-out punctuation is not aesthetic, it’s annoying, messy and leaves the reader confused at some points. Especially when you put ten damned periods instead of three—as an ellipsis should be. It’s really offhand-seeming and annoying the way you don’t bother to describe clothes and just put photos instead.

Please, never use abbreviations in a piece of writing, you ain’t texting your friend here, you are writing a story. Things like “omg, ik, idk, nvm, etc.” should only be seen in texts, not in writing. It’s once again, for the billionth time, annoying and lazy. Also, you repeated the word “I” too much.

You didn’t use any interesting words and made no descriptions of characters’ appearances, clothes, settings or emotions. Your writing style is too “animated” and childish, it’s annoying and monotonous.

Grammar :: 6/20

Overall, your grammar wasn’t all that good. Apart from the terrible writing style, tense inconsistency, your text was full of errors. “Defeat Jimin is all that I had in my mind right now.” - there are quite a few mistakes in this singular sentence. This sentence is also an example of tense inconsistency as “is and right now” are in present tense, however, “had” is in past tense. “Defeat” should also be changed to “defeating” and usually when you think about something is better to say, “on my mind”

“Defeating Jimin was all that I had in mind at that moment.” or “Defeating Jimin is all that I have on my mind right now.” - these are the two ways I’d edit this sentence.

“Me and Jungkook says...” - Y/n+Jungkook=two people, but the word says is singular, present tense. Therefore the correct way to write this would be “Jungkook and I say…” - as you’ve seen, I also changed the “me” to “I”, that’s because you wouldn’t say “Me say”, you would say “I say”. The same thing goes for “Jungkoook and I”.

Extra Note :: Despite all this, I hope you aren’t upset and can focus on improving because this is how feedback should work. Once again, I hope that the score, instead of disappointing you, will encourage you to do better and learn. I’ve been completely honest here, and you can be too if you disagree with me on something. However, if you have extra questions or just want more help or anything else, really, you may DM me because I’d love to give you a hand. The main reason why I decided to leave this side-note is because you have been very nice to me, and I wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about that :)

TOTAL :: 22/100