┌────────═━┈┈━═────────┐ Seesaw Review Shop Season 2.0 └────────═━┈┈━═────────┘
The right place to get honest and constructive feedback on your books whenever you want it. Everyone is welcome and we really hope...
I think the cover is okay, it portrays the story correctly too. However, in terms of attractiveness, I don't think it does a great job. The edits of Jimin and Jungkook don't look great, neither does the quote. I can't even read it. Overall, it doesn't do much justice to your book and it could've been better.
» Title :: 2.5/5
It is relevant to the story, as I remember it being mentioned once. However, I'd say it's a little boring and not-so-thrilling. For a story like this, I am sure you could've come up with something much much better. For example, the name of Jungkook's mafia.
» Blurb :: 3.5/5
The blurb is quite interesting. It summarizes how Jungkook and Jimin meet which pulled me in the first time I read it. In regard to what the blurb says, I think it's fine, it's not overly catchy but it's not boring either. You do need to work on your grammar though. I'll talk more about your grammatical errors in the grammar section.
Beginning of a new start :: 7/10
I got an idea of how your writing is and found it okay initial-plot-wise. Not much happened just like in most books, but I can see why you would start off like that. An intellectual reader would understand that all these "leading up chapters", though a little boring, are needed. The only thing that I can say is that you might've dragged on a little too much with them.
Concept and plot :: 19/25
The concept is pretty unoriginal, mafia isn't anything new. However, I must say that this story was interesting; I was pulled in. The main reason why your score is pretty high is because I was pulled in. It felt like I was reading a book by choice. In fact, I read all of it. Not only to know the story line properly but because it was interesting too.
You do have some things to work on and I'll mention them later. I would like to say that you definitely had a developed plot along with its characters. However, the biggest problem is that when mysteries are uncovered, they are a little mundane - the way you introduce them is. For example, I was pretty surprised when in the end Jimin talks to R. That part was pretty good. Nonetheless, when it's revealed that R is Jimin's dad, it's quite uneventful. Same thing with some characters' death and etc.
The pace of the plot was good too and I thought that there was an established environment. Another thing that I wanted to mention is that I wish you gave us more about Jungkook's enemy and the whole thing about her lovers.
Characters and emotions :: 13/15
I felt like most of your characters have developed personalities and well-written relationships with the principal characters. The deaths made me feel sad and I felt the loss too. I am referring to Samiah's death. Natheless, I'd like to say that the way Samiah died, was stupid. She was just casually shot like that? It was very uneventful.
I also liked how you gave side characters story time too. It felt nice to see you dealing with stereotypes even though it's about omegas. But I just wished the dialogue was a little less childish which is something that you do sometimes.
Next, the reveal of Jessica's betrayal wasn't that good. To be honest, we didn't see much of Jungkook's and Jessica's strong relationship like you claimed it to be. Therefore, it was uneventful and the readers didn't feel startled. You needed to show more of it, so the readers could be shocked and feel the betrayal too. One thing though, I didn't expect it to be Jessica…
To be honest, the sole creation of Charlotte was stupid. Like it was so obvious she was going to be a bitch that works for Jungkook's enemy. You should've at least half-gained the reader's trust. But it just felt complete stupid the way you did it. Overall, your characters were mainly good but it felt like you kinda abandoned Ryan after Samiah's death.
Tone and style :: 5/10
Your writing style is okay, not too appealing but not vexatious either. Except for the grammatical errors often taking place in your writing, you need to work on your descriptions and their length. One thing I noted is your descriptions of clothes. You really describe them in detail which allows the reader to picture characters well, notwithstanding, you really really need an upgrade with your vocabulary and rhetorical devices. Or else your writing is average. Not repetitive but not outstanding either.
Another thing to note is tense inconsistency. A very common mistake that people make. This consists of mixing up tenses in your text, that way making it confusing and incorrect. Please make sure to write everything (dialogue, flashbacks, etc) in either past tense or present tense.
Grammar :: 12/20
"He whistled and Axel looked up happily then walked towards him, calmly." - in this case, I don't understand why you would want to phrase this sentence like this. So here comes the first and most common issue in writing, phrasing. "He whistled and Axel looked up happily, walking calmly towards him."
"Jungkook snorted as he squatted down and took Prince's foot, placing his foot on his leg." - this is a common mistake that you specifically have in your writing and so do other people; repeating a word twice in a sentence therefore making it repetitive and maybe even confusing. In this sentence, you didn't need to repeat the word "foot" twice. - "Jungkook snorted as he squatted down and took Prince's foot, placing it on his leg." Please watch out for this mistake because you have it a lot in your writing.
"Doberman" is a type of dog, it's the name of a breed therefore it requires capitalization. Also, your writing isn't too repetitive, but sometimes you tend too repeat pronouns and names too much when starting a sentence. For example: "He wore a black suit with brown dress shoes. He styled his hair onto one side, looking extremely formal. He also took his bag for work and left the house." (This is not an example from your writing)
"That's Master when he was four-years-old." - usually we would hyphenate the word when it modifies a noun, that would be when you are using it to describe something. However, in this case you do not need to hyphenate "four-years-old". - "That's Master when he was four years old."
"He worked for a mafia who's leader hates me. She wants me dead." - this too, is a mistake I've seen more than once in your writing. "Whose and who's" have different meanings, in this case you need to use "whose". Thats because the leader belongs to the mafia, "a mafia who is leader hates me." Doesn't make sense.
"In ran, Prince, with a huge smile." - I've seen you using this weird and incorrect sentence pattern before too. I can see where you are coming from, but some other reviewers couldn't even understand what this means. The phrasing is just incorrect. "Prince ran in with a huge smile." - that would be the best way to fix it.
Total :: 67/100
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