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The right place to get honest and constructive feedback on your books whenever you want it. Everyone is welcome and we really hope...
The cover doesn't fit the book. Jeongguk doesn't look like a mafia in it and it's a mafia au, right? Jeongguk looks exactly like he's modelling which he is. I do not get mafia vibes from that picture at all. It's like you picked a random picture of Jeongguk from Pinterest and just added words to it. I think there are pictures that fit the book's theme a lot more than this one does. There are lots of cover shops around Wattpad that can make you a cover that fits your theme. Even we have a cover shop here in our community. Feel free to request covers from any cover shop you like. The biggest payment graphic designers ever ask for in exchange would be a shout out and a follow. Hope you consider this.
» Title: ⅘
Well, the title goes well with the book as Hana and Jeongguk are neighbors. Could've had a more intriguing name but this one works fine too. I believe a comma is missing between Hello and neighbor. It should be Hello, Neighbor as in here, one person is addressing another particular person with the nickname neighbor directly to them.
» Blurb: ⅖
To start it off, I liked what you did there with the definition of neighbor. It was funny and got me giggling a little. But the thing is, I'm not really sure how many would read the blurb fully. Even when I first went through it, I didn't notice the definition of neighbor thinking it'd be just another definition from a dictionary. I think it's unnecessary. We want to make blurbs interesting, we work towards getting our readers hooked. I've seen a lot of books that have the actual definition of their title on their blurb. We don't want people to think, oh, it's just that. I don't think it was necessary to add that even though that part was great. The first couple dialogues, I think weren't necessary. They don't seem interesting but the next one with the eager to fall one, I loved it. I think you should've kept it with the third dialogue and the last paragraph. That would've been far more interesting. Now, about that paragraph, I think it's short and pretty much conveys everything. I didn't have a major problem with it. Just one thing though. Personally, I felt like writing 'what they have' would've been better than writing 'relationship'. But it's a personal opinion so you don't have to change that part or consider it part of your feedback.
Beginning of a new start :: 7/10
I didn't like the fact that you introduced your characters with pictures. I think using pictures kinda kills the imagination. That's why most readers actually read, to create their own world and explore the characters. I loved the first line of the first chapter, it was funny. Actually, you know what? The whole chapter was funny and I loved it! I'd continue reading the book for the comedy and drama, even if I'm not that into the plot. That's a pretty big compliment from me, I don't usually say that. You're pretty funny. I think that's an amazing thing to have. It pulls people in because no matter who, no matter what, everybody loves a good laugh. My only problem was the other picture there and not enough description. I wanna know who's who, I wanna know what was around, I wanna know what they see and how they look. Reading a book is like being blind. You'll have to guide them throughout your story, let them feel and understand, let them hear what's going on and understand, let them understand through your description, let them understand through smell and taste. For them to understand, you'll have to guide them. (Side note: Not disrespecting the disabled, of course. This is just a comparison.)
Concept & plot :: 9/15
I think it's okay. It's a merge of two clichés so it doesn't make another cliché, I guess. I very much appreciate the fact that you tried something new and not just another high school love story. The problem I had with it though, was with the execution. I want a build, I want to see scenes orchestrated throughout the book for it to all just come together and connect at the climax. I want hints, I need to know. It was a fun read but I'm not sure if I just want fun in a mafia themed book. It doesn't seem like it's mafia themed. I need like Jeongguk to have a bulge at the back of his pants to make readers think, "Holy shit, he's hiding a gun.", I want to see Taehyung alert, suspicious, having his brows furrowed as he opens the door, maybe even speaking a little harshly to Duri as he doesn't know who she is. Not saying the book shouldn't have jokes, you can make jokes even when the book's building. For example, Taehyung might just hold Duri a little like how Hana did with Jeongguk's ex and maybe Duri could be like, "Kinky." and the whole room bursts out laughing while Taehyung laughs nervously with Jeongguk and Jimin eyeing him. This is just an example. You can do so much like this. The chapters just feel like random events happening between them. It doesn't feel like it's focused on the main elements.
Characters & emotions: 6/15
I haven't seen an emotional scene yet. It's just basically Hana being sassy, that's like the only thing I saw. The paragraph with Hana talking about Jimin was sweet but other than that, I couldn't see anything. I want to see them showcase any emotions and be human, be like you and me and just everybody. I want to see Jeongguk get mad at his ex-girlfriend, I want to see him growl and say, "And you know what I can do." while his face reddens with anger, brows furrowed, hands clenched in rage and everything. I just want to see them react to something in a way a normal human would react to it. Don't think of what they should do or how they should react. Just write how you think you'll react if something like that happened in your life. As for the characters, well, they all seemed one dimensional. They all just showed one side. Taehyung? Oh, Taehyung's the sweet guy. Jeongguk? Oh, Jeongguk is the silent nice guy. Hana? The sassy one. It's like they only have one character. They're very one dimensional and I just want to see characters who act like actual humans do!
Tone & Style :: 5/10
Well, I think it was very basic. It's just very amateur but that's okay. It's not a big problem. If you're good in the other fields like plot, emotion, grammar and characters, then you'll be fine. It's actually good to use basic words because we don't know who reads our books and who doesn't. It also helps readers understand better. But you have to remember one thing. You'll have to be good in other fields like the build, grammar, and characters and their emotions. If you're not good at them, a simple writing style would take you nowhere.
Grammar :: 7/20
Ah, grammar. I think you should definitely work on your grammar. There are a lot of places where commas are missing, there's a redundant exclamation mark, there are extra period marks to an ellipsis, less period marks than it should be for an ellipsis, inconsistency in tenses and so on. I can't stress enough how important grammar is. There are lots of authors around wattpad, I've seen, with hundreds and thousands of reads and followers even though their plots are nothing unique or original. It's because of their good grammar and writing. Grammar is key. Get yourself an editor and proofreader if possible.
Extra Note :: Work on the build, get an editor, change your cover. It's a good book, I enjoyed reading it. You'll do good, just work on everything I mentioned.
Total :: 44/100
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