Seesaw Review Shop 2.0

The Pope's Daughter

╭⋟───────────────╮
The Pope's Daughter
╰───────────────⋞╯

Author :: IntotheStreets

Reviewer :: Jiminandhisjams9

First impression :: 5/20

»  Cover :: 0.5/10

I can’t provide any more than half a mark for this. The photo choice is bad, so is the font used. It doesn’t relate to anything in the story. I can’t say it’s attractive either. I don’t see how a picture of old vintage buildings would be useful in receiving attention. The author’s name as well. I can’t see it. It’s not visible, very blurry in fact. 

»  Title :: 4/5

The title is simple. It represented the MC perfectly well and had some importance in the later chapters. No change required.

»  Blurb :: 1.5/5

The blurb is as empty as a desert. Despite the two paragraphs, the only information I was able to dig out was the “Enemies to Lovers” trope. If I bump into your book randomly as a reader, believe me when I say I wouldn’t even give it a second glance. Think about it this way, there has to be a certain reason they’re reading it. Exposing every single secret is a dumb idea of course. But an empty blurb is just as meaningless. 

Beginning of a new start :: 3/10

When Venezia popped out, I expected more background from her side. What she does for a living and how she contributes to the family--- none of it were answered. Right off the bat the prince barges in and gets stunned by her beauty. Then, all of that was crushed immediately by her attitude. I’ve been wondering for the longest time. What is the purpose of his appearance there? This question, I’ve  never received the answer to. Don’t force their interaction. Use the chance to introduce the readers to your characters, mainly Venezia. I enjoy it when stories jump right into the action, but romance takes time. If I had known the characters better, their accidental encounter would’ve been amusing, adorable even.

Concept and plot :: 11/25

I do enjoy the tiny bits of secrets that pop up over time. But do watch out for plot holes, there are plenty. With the beginning immediately introducing the prince, nothing’s really changed. Chapter after chapter, I see no development. In terms of their growing “love”, the speed of them liking one another, especially the prince, was unbelievably fast! The only random encounters they had were accidental and momentary. And the entire time, Venezia has been nothing but rude to him. Is rudeness attractive? He is a prince! He could very well make a complaint against her, yet he chooses to fall for the one woman who perhaps “stood up to him”.

Another thing I’ve noticed is the lack of happenings. The story revolves around these two characters, but that’s just about it. Every chapter is about them. Nothing about their backgrounds, or their personalities. Their love story doesn’t feel natural. I don’t feel touched reading their evolving love life. Perhaps I expected too much from the title. I expected that being a pope’s daughter would be an obstacle itself to their romance. But there’s none of that. She could’ve been a completely ordinary girl with a stuck up attitude and there wouldn’t be a difference.

Instead of pushing the idea of marriage onto their faces, let it be a surprise. It’s unfortunate how predictable things turned out, and the pace of the events wasn’t helping all too much either. I’ll give you some ideas that you might find useful. Begin the story with Venezia performing her daily life duties. As I’ve said, use the beginning of the story as a place to dump some info about her, while leaving out other secrets for the readers to discover. In the original story, the prince rushed to enter the chamber. Twist it, with the next chapter explaining his rush. It could be raining heavily. He could be finding a shelter. That’s when their story can truly begin. Once we know our girl, build a form of adoration for her, the impact of everything that happens after is natural.

Characters and emotions :: 5/15

I simply am not a fan of Venezia. It was stated that she simply hated men for their minds. She stuck to it the whole time, or as far as I’ve read. I’ve only seen her reacting mean to men and being haughty. Despite the tiny things I’ve discovered about her that were indeed interesting, I can’t seem to take a liking to her. She doesn’t seem to have that much of a personality. I was even more interested in the side characters even. Pay attention to describing and delivering emotions. Add more diversity to the main characters. 

Tone and style :: 4/10

There’s little to no description for the required scenes. Excusing the grammatical errors, there’s no emotion behind the writing. It’s simply basic. Of course, basic writing isn’t a flaw or a weakness. They prove useful in certain situations. But romance is different. It requires a deeply developed bond between the characters and the readers. The writing style binds them together. A narration of their feelings doesn’t hit as hard as a beautifully written scene of an overthinking duo, pacing their rooms at nights, confused with their feelings for each other. A simple “I think I like her” is very empty and meaningless. 

Also, the constant change between two different talks in two completely different locations baffled me to no end. I had to reread the conversation to figure out that they were separate conversations. This isn’t a television series. Don’t switch to another location entirely without informing the readers.

Grammar :: 11/20

⮞ Sentence structure

Your sentences don't make sense at times. Take this as an example.

… his footsteps banged the wall in such silence but nobody including Hannah, noticed.

Footsteps don’t bang. It’s a sound. You hear the footsteps coming. Now, what is the prince doing? Walking on the wall? If he “banged” the wall, how is silence an option? If this was an attempt at using hyperbole, it really doesn’t suit the situation well. The words contradict each other in one single sentence. I’ve tried editing it in the way you may have been aiming for.

… the sound of his calm footsteps bounced off the walls, yet nobody, including Hannah, noticed.

Other times, it could’ve been phrased better. 
“... made her to speed up her decision.” - this sounds awkward, doesn’t it? Even without the error of placing “to”, it still wouldn’t have fit in with the context. Avoid using “to” when explaining the effect/outcome. Be it the surroundings or the character’s own choice. “Make them to” isn’t a thing. 

⮞ Punctuation 

This section needs more attention than other areas. I’ll break down all the mistakes in this particular area.
➟ Comma splice :: When a comma is used to connect two independent sentences.
➟ Adding spaces before and after punctuations :: This may be for aesthetic purposes, but it’s not encouraged. It truly doesn’t make the paragraphs look any neater. The effect is of the exact opposite.
➟ Dialogue tags punctuation rule :: Sometimes, they’re missing. Other times, incorrectly used.
➟ Missing comma before title, endearment, name
➟ Excessive use of punctuation :: No matter how much you exaggerate a character’s tone, “!!!?” , “!!!!” ,  “!!!”  is never acceptable. I can accept “?!” (not “!?”). Don’t overdo it.

⮞ Missing capitalization
⮞ Unnecessary capitalization
⮞ Incorrect capitalization rule of dialogue tags
⮞ Incorrect articles used
⮞ Misspellings

Extra note :: Don’t feel down. Everybody starts somewhere. And like you said, this is your first book. You must have improved so much by now! I have full faith that you’ll take my advice and carry it along with you on your writing journey. All the best!

Total :: 35/100