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Under the Moonlight

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Under the Moonlight
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Author :: YOON_YOON_1

Reviewer :: Kim_eats

First impression: : 11/20

» Cover :: 7/10

I really like the cover. The colours and the pictures you used worked well with the background. The blending could be a little better though and I just feel like the pictures could be a little bigger and brighter. The faces of the idols are quite hard to see, especially Soobin and Felix's. If you just work on that a little, it'll be perfect.

» Title :: ⅖

The title is actually a very common one. It fits the story though, since it involves the prince of the moon, and Y/N seems to have a connection with him. The fact still remains that it is a very common title and it might get lost in thousands of other stories.

» Blurb :: ⅕

I think the length of your blurb is perfect and the mention of HIV is sure to attract much attention while surfing. However, it is very revealing. The moment I read it, I already had an idea of what might happen. There’s no exciting element to it except the mention of disease that might interest the readers. I would suggest, you make it more exciting by not giving away all of your plot. Maybe you could just mention the HIV part and how everyone in Y/N’s life discards her and she starts struggling with life but it turns upside down when a mythical creature gets involved. As of now, the blurb is very revealing since you mentioned all the key points without hiding even one element. Even the first half of the blurb is enough without adding the second half. Except that, there are grammatical mistakes as well. I'll cover those in the grammar section.  

Beginning of a new start :: 4/10

You began your story with Y/N’s fiance breaking up with her after his mother found out about her disease. While the starting is very catchy, the first chapter itself has many plot holes. On reading the first chapter, I had a lot of questions. How did the fiance’s mother get her results? How did Y/N contract the disease? Why did she get her blood tested? A lot of questions. And I can assure you that I wouldn't be the only one to notice this and start questioning things.

Also, you mentioned Y/N's parents being dead in the first chapter. While it is not wrong to do that, but the way you put it, in between her monologue about how her fiance broke up with her, wasn't the right way to do it. Don't try to cram everything about your character and their life in the very beginning. It breaks the link of a well flowing scene. Take it slowly, one at a time.

Coming to the second chapter. I thought you'd show Y/N heartbroken but still trying to pick up the pieces of her heart, which you kind of did but I was a little disappointed when you made the point of HIV AIDS as a mere reason for ridicule instead of spreading awareness. You could have shown her visiting a doctor after finding out about the disease and getting counselling done and getting the necessary medication because without it, her health would worsen and she’d soon die. I felt like you didn't do the topic justice and rushed to introduce the fantasy element.

Overall, the first three chapters were very rushed and poorly described. It would be better if you paid more attention to details, like the visit to a doctor and proper involvement of Soobin to boost up Y/N’s morale instead of just being the sidekick friend who is in love with her. I also suggest you to do proper research over such sensitive topics before writing about it because throughout the eight chapters, AIDS was portrayed as a valid reason to outcast and bully someone. Though it hits the point of AIDS, it shouldn’t be made a point to completely throw away someone, it wasn't properly described. That's another point, be more descriptive. Even if it's all in first person pov, it lacks description. So, you'll need to work on that as well.