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Obsession

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Obsession

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Author :: Simps_for_BTS__

Reviewer :: Jiminandhisjams9

First Impression :: 11/20

Cover :: 7/10
I don’t have much to say about the cover. It’s pretty simple and includes all the members. It’s clear and the font is nice as well, but it feels quite empty.

Title :: 1.5/5
Listen, I see where you are coming from with this title. BUT no matter how much this Goddamned word fits the storyline, it’s literally the most boring, crappy, annoying, overused word ever, and I could go on and on about how much I detest this word. Every fanfiction, especially Mafia shit has this title. It’s so old, vexatious, monotonous and unoriginal that I gag just at the sole sound or sight of that annoying-ass word.

Now, I didn’t have to be so (note the irony in here) obsessive about how terrible the word “obsessed” is, but in no way do I feel like I have exaggerated. And you know what else? Some people might avoid clicking on your story because of the title. Because in fact, I wouldn’t have read this story if it weren’t for this review JUST because of its title.

And it’s really such a shame because this story is so much more than that.

Blurb :: 2.5/5
Personally, I think that the blurb was summarized pretty well. However, I also do think that the questions posed at the beginning are kind of unnecessary? Or at least… they are kind of stupid. I say this without any intention to offend. People know what an obsession is, plus the answers to most questions are obvious. I don’t know how to explain it, but to me, it really felt like they weren’t necessary.

Beginning of a new start :: 7/10

In chapter one, I was startled! Maybe it was because I am not used to such cleanliness, especially in books that I ought to review. I am absolutely in love with that introduction of the weather of yours. It caught me off guard. You had that catchiness; I was intrigued from the first instant, and that’s more than just a great thing. However, I wished you kept that intensity and quality throughout the whole time. I will elaborate more on this in the “writing style” section.

The readers were introduced to a good chunk of characters, especially Jungkook. I did feel curious about where the plot was heading and the characters’ backgrounds, so you did a good job overall. Nonetheless, your score is just 7 because I had to count other particles that have to do with your writing rather than the events in the initial chapters.

Concept and plot :: 23/25

The angst is good overall. I don’t think that so far all of your plot had been presented just yet, because as you said there were many characters that the readers had to be introduced to. However, so far it doesn’t sound like the most genius plot ever, yet it has other strengths. One of my strong beliefs is that execution is more important than the originality of the idea; otherwise, it’d be called a waste of potential. Also, I don’t think a story has to be a “never-seen-before” thing to be good.

I believe your strongest points are the emotions, background stories and character development. And I also think that your story is heading in a marvellous direction!

Characters and emotions :: 14/15

Let me start off by saying that the characters’ background stories, thoughts and emotions are awesomely presented! The characters were actually people with relationships; felt ones. Because I could really feel the friendships and connections in there. I liked all the flashbacks, giving us a backstory on how Rose fell for Lisa, Jungkook’s parents, etc. I also like the way Yoongi was introduced to us. Yoongi’s background story is really hard-hitting, and it seriously gave Yoongi a spot in my heart. He is definitely my favourite.

There is character development too like Hyunjin apologizing to Jungkook or Jennie handing Taehyung the pink tie. Though these are small things, it’s clear to see the development. And that’s how it starts: with small things. One thing that surprised me is that I actually found myself smiling at the characters’ interactions which is quite rare to happen.

Also, you got some great humour in there like “Wonwoof” and other things. The dialogue was mostly good, I do not have specific memories of dumb or childish dialogue which is such a relief.

Tone and style :: 6/10

Let me begin by posing a question… Why in the world is the dialogue in bold? It honestly annoyed me, it’s that type of thing like long paragraphs—they are annoying! Also, the fact that a character’s inner thoughts are not separated from your paragraph, is another irritating thing. However, this time, not only is it irritating, but it can confuse the readers as well.

You also lack a basic—why do you put different characters’ dialogues in one paragraph? For the nth time, it’s confusing and vexatious. This might sound rude, but that is not the intention behind these words. I am just trying to say that especially the thing about not separating paragraphs when characters speak might annoy, but worst of all, discombobulate readers.

“The man looked around wondering where everyone is”—this sentence is an example of tense inconsistency since the word “looked” is in past tense but the word “is” is in present tense. This mistake is not a singular occurrence in your writing, therefore I needed to point it out. Watch out for your tenses and make sure everything is written either in past or present tense (safe for dialogues, flashbacks, etc).
 
Repetition of “I” and other words in one sentence: “I walked over, tripping over something and almost falling down, and finally came across a soft, velvety fabric I assumed was the curtain.” this sentence could’ve been phrased way better, also as I said the repetition of “over was unnecessary”.

E.g: “I walked forward, tripping over something and almost falling down. Then I had finally come across a soft, velvety fabric which I assumed was the curtain.”

Grammar :: 16/20

Firstly, you need to work on dialogue tags and action tags. To explain briefly, a dialogue tag is when a character’s way of speech is described after the dialogue. For example: he said, she asked, I stuttered, etc. Meanwhile, action tags are when something else is described after the dialogue, for example: he closed the curtains, she opened the door, I sighed, etc.

When using dialogue tags, the dialogue will be closed with a comma even if the sentence is completed. However, if an action tag is used, the dialogue will be closed with a full stop. To make it clearer, here are other examples:

“It’s sunny,” I said. (dialogue tag)
“It’s sunny.” I fanned myself with my black fan.

Next, You’ve also used some unnecessary commas. However, contrasting you’ve also had instances where you lacked a comma when you needed it. “Thanks Kookie” - after thanks there should be a comma, otherwise, it changes the tone of the sentence.

When you call somebody Mom, Dad, Hyung, etc, you need to capitalize them because the character is directly addressing them and calling them “Mom”. And lastly, please don’t forget to capitalize the word “God”.

TOTAL :: 77/100