Without You (gxg)

Part 5- High School

"Are you alright?"
Carter asked me that after we had gotten done having sex. This was a few days after I hung out with Noelle- and I couldn't get her off my mind.
"I'm okay. Why do you ask?" I turned to Carter. We were laying next to each other in his bed.
"You seem off. You have this whole time we've hung out. Like you don't really want to be here or like your head is somewhere else." Carter said.
My head is somewhere else.
I got up from his bed and started to put my clothes on, thinking about what he said.
"Do you agree with me?" he asked, sitting up.
I sat down next to him. I decided in that moment, I needed to tell him that I wasn't sure about being with him anymore.
"I agree." I said, "And Carter, I want to be honest. I...don't know if I want this anymore. And I don't want to string you along. Or hold you back from anything else."
"Do you feel like I'm holding you back?" Carter asked me, looking down.
"No. That's not it at all. Carter...I just don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore. With anyone." I said, my heart beating fast.
Carter nodded. "I'm upset. I am, Harley. But I can't say that I don't understand. Or that I'm mad."
He was taking this well.
"So you're okay with it?" I asked him.
"I'm going to miss hanging out with you. But we can still be friends, right?" he looked at me.
"Of course we can still be friends, Carter." I said, and then gave him a hug.
On my ride home I did shed a few tears. I had a nice 6 months with Carter. He made me happy all summer. But I knew right now this wasn't right for me. I just hoped I didn't hurt him.
Then I realized in my head- I could pursue...something with Noelle if I wanted to. I wasn't going to start anything when I was still with Carter. But the thought of even somewhat admitting to myself that I had some kind of feelings for Noelle terrified me.
When I walked into my house, my mom was up watching TV.
I went to go sit down on the couch near her.
She looked at me. "Have you been crying?" her facial expression turned concerned.
"A little." I said, "Carter and I broke up."
"Oh really? Why?" my moms eyes widened.
"It just wasn't right. I don't feel strongly enough toward him." I said.
"That was the right thing for you to do then. I know that with the guys you've dated, it's never quite felt like the right fit." my mom said, "You'll find that someone. But for now don't worry about that. You're only seventeen years old."
"You're right." I nodded.
My mom leaned over and gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of my head. "I love you, Har. Now I just get to spend more time with you. It's a win for me." she laughed.
When I laid in my bed that night I thought about the other guys I've dated besides Carter. It wasn't many- only two others.
Hayden Gallagher and Devon Merryfeld. I dated Hayden when I was going into my sophomore year of high school and up until the end of the school year. It was one of those typical dramatic teenage relationships where I thought he liked another girl every 5 seconds and he thought I liked another guy. But he was the person I lost my virginity to, and it seemed like that was what a lot of the relationship was based around- sex. When we broke up, because he was going away to the beach for the summer, he started dating another girl right after.
Devon I dated for 7 months in my junior year. He was a senior, and he was honestly a great guy. We met in Chemistry class, funny enough. He was handsome- with dark chocolate brown skin and curly hair. He was a football player, and he wound up going to college for that. Devon and I had a much more mature relationship than Hayden and I. I would say out of the three guys I've dated, I did feel the strongest toward Devon. And I really liked his family as well.
And then Carter happened. And now it wasn't anymore. And when I think about the relationships I've had- I didn't feel that spark.
That spark I felt when I literally just laid eyes on Noelle Thompson.
Did I like girls? I had to be honest with myself. Because what I was feeling for Noelle wasn't just a friendship feeling. And it wasn't the first time I've thought about a girl that way- like I wanted to kiss her. Hell, there were times that I wanted to kiss Priya.
I think you like girls, Harley.
But I still wasn't quite ready to admit it.
The next day was a Wednesday. When I drove Priya to school, I told her about how Carter and I broke up.
"I saw it coming." she said, "You were thinking about it anyway. How did Carter take it?"
"He seemed upset but he was actually very mature about it." I said, "We agreed to be friends."
"Maybe friends with benefits if you ever get horny." Priya chuckled.
"I don't know about that." I laughed.
I walked a different way to my English class first period to avoid seeing Carter's locker. I knew I would have to see him in third period, but I would deal with that then.
I saw Noelle at her locker when I was walking down the hall. I decided to go up to her. We had talked a little in class after our hangout- but I was ready to tell her I wanted to hangout again.
"I didn't know your locker was here." I said, standing in front of her.
He turned around and looked at me, and her face broke into a small smile. "Hey. You usually don't walk this way, do you?"
"No. I was avoiding Carter's locker, to be honest." I said.
Noelle raised an eyebrow, "Why is that?"
"Um, we broke up." I said.
I saw Noelle try to hide a smile, "Is it bad if I say I'm not really upset about that?"
"Is it bad if I am not really either?" I said, and we laughed.
"So, when are we hanging out?" Noelle flat out asked me.
"Does Friday work for you?" I asked her.
"Yes. If does." I said, and I looked at her. And I got that feeling again, that I wanted to kiss her- right in the middle of the hallway. But I didn't.
Instead, she said, "Let's walk to English together."
And we did- we walked next to each other and into class. A far cry from the first day of school, just about a month ago when I spotted her out. And I just knew inside something was going to come of this.
When Priya got into my car that afternoon so I could drive her home, she was oddly quiet. Especially for Priya, who talked a lot.
"Is everything okay, Pri?" I asked her.
"Yeah, I am fine." she said, "But I want you to be honest with me."
I felt my heart start to beat faster, "I will be. What's up?"
"I saw you in the hall this morning on my way to class. You were talking and laughing with that girl Noelle at her locker. And I could just tell I guess...there was something there. And you know I could absolutely care less if you like girls. But I want you to tell me if you do." Priya said, and then let out a breath.
"I don't know." I said, honestly.
"Don't know what?" Priya turned to me.
"If I like girls. It's been confusing me for a long time now." I said, my hands shaky on the wheel.
"Har, you could've told me." Priya said, "You didn't have to deal with that confusion alone."
"I appreciate that. But it's something I've buried for a long time. And now there is something right in front of me that seems real... and I don't quite know how to deal with that." I said.
"Is that something Noelle?" Priya asked me.
"It is. And I know I feel this...thing for her. And I want to explore it. I'm scared. But I have to." I said.
"And you absolutely should." Priya said, "Explore it. See what happens. Just know you have my full support. And I want to hear details if you two fuck." she laughed.
I felt myself get red.
Could I do that with a girl?
"We will have to see." I chuckled, "But Pri...thank you for being so supportive. It means the world."
"You're my best friend. Of course I'm going to be supportive and love you no matter what. Now, are you going to be seeing Noelle again outside of school?"
"Friday." I said with a small smile.
"Well, something better happen!" Priya said.
I hope so. I really hope so.