Without You (gxg)

Part 30- The Years In-Between

Warning- this part does contain physical abuse from a partner. If that is triggering to you, please do not read on.

Finding out that Noelle was married created hell inside my mind. Complete hell. But I couldn't show it- at least not most of the time. I didn't feel like talking about it with my friends. Priya had seen it on Instagram and immediately texted me about it. But I barely had the heart to respond. If I told my family, they would wonder why I cared so much. And of course around Allie I had to act like everything was peachy.
So I spoke about it in therapy. I was still seeing Michele, my therapist every other week. And while I didn't even feel like talking about it with her, I had to speak about it with someone or I was going to explode.
A week after finding out, I sat in her office and practically sobbed over it.
"It's really over. Forever." I said, wiping my eyes, "And I feel like a fucking dickhead for even crying about it. Because I have a girlfriend. But it is crushing me."
"It's okay that it is crushing you. You can't change how you feel." Michele said, handing me a tissue.
"It just shows me that I still loved her. Or even love her. Because I wouldn't be this crushed if I didn't. But now she's gone. And it's with Elena! God she was probably cheating on me with her. I knew I didn't like that bitch."
"Harley...take a deep breath. Try to relax for a moment...breathe in. Breathe out." Michele said, and I practiced breathing with her.
"You know, I think I always had this hope in the back of my mind- that her and I would make it work somehow. I didn't quite want to still admit it, being with Allie and all. But it's always been there." I said.
That was something I hated to admit. But I admitted it to Olivia as well. I went over to her house- where she lived with her aunt- and spilled it to her as well- that I think I always had it in me that I hoped Noelle and I would work out.
"I know." she said. We were sitting in her kitchen, drinking wine.
"How did you know?"
"When we went to West Virginia to visit my cousin, I could just see it. The chemistry between you and her is undeniable. And I am sure there is more to this story than just Elena and Noelle falling in love and living happily ever after. You'll see." Olivia said, taking a sip of her wine.
"When you and your husband spilt up...when you were eighteen...did you ever have any hope that you and him would get back together?" I asked her.
"Well, considering he was cheating on me with multiple women- no. But there is still part of me that thinks about him. And it'll either be like that for you and Noelle- she will be someone you think of from time to time. Or, she will become extremely important to you again." Olivia said.
And I secretly hoped it was the second option.
I was tying to be present when I saw Allie. I was so in my goddamn head that it was hard, but I tried to really be there.
"We're coming up on year dating pretty soon." Allie said to me one night when I was at her house. We were in her room, just hanging out. "We will have to do something special. Maybe we can go away for a weekend. I'll take off work."
"That sounds really nice." I smiled at her, "Maybe we can go to the beach or something."
"Have you ever been to Ocean City, Maryland?" she asked me.
"I haven't."
"That's where we should go. My family would stay there every summer growing up- and as I got older, it's even more fun." Allie grinned at me, "I'll start to look for hotels."
"I'll help you." I said to her. I was sitting on the floor, my back facing her bedroom door, and she was sitting on the other side of the room on her blue beanbag chair.
She got up for a second, "I'll be right back, just have to pee." she said.
I had been looking at the wedding photo of Noelle and Elena every day. I don't know why the fuck I was still torturing myself- it was almost like I still didn't believe it was real. I would just pull out my phone and look at it. And while Allie was in the bathroom, I got the urge to again. I looked up Noelle on Instagram. I knew I would have to put my phone away before Noelle saw it- but I got so lost in the photo that I didn't even hear her come up behind me.
"Stalking the ex's Instagram, huh?" I heard Allie say behind me.
It made me jump. I immediately put my phone in my pocket. I stood up and faced Allie. And she looked mad. More mad than I expected.
"Sorry." I said. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't lie and say I wasn't looking at Noelle.
"Do you still love her?" Allie asked me.
I was taken aback. "What? No." I said. That was a slight lie.
"I don't believe you." Allie said.
"I-I don't. Im sorry I was looking at her Instagram. She got married- I was just...I was just looking." I said, feeling shaky.
"And why do you give a fuck if she got married?" Allie's voice got louder. And more angry.
"I don't! Don't you ever get curious about any of your ex's ever? It wasn't like that...I promise."
"No. I don't. Because I love you, Harley. But you clearly do not feel the same as I do." Allie said, looking right into my eyes.
"That's not true." I practically whispered. I felt nervous. Oddly nervous. Allie seemed unhinged in this moment.
"Stop fucking lying!" Allie yelled, and then a moment later- her hand made contact with my cheek. Hard. And it stung.
I stood there for a moment. Stunned. My girlfriend just...slapped me across the face.
Allie then started panicking. "Oh my god. Harley- I didn't mean that. I promise I didn't mean to do that. I just lost my cool."
"I-I'm going to go home." I said, touching my cheek. It hurt. I could feel myself tearing up.
"No, please don't go. I promise I didn't mean to do that." Allie begged me.
"No. I'm going home." I said, and started to walk past her.
"Stay!" Allie said, and then she yanked my right arm back. Also, very fucking hard and aggressive.
"Ow!" I yelped. I needed to get out of here. I was fucking scared. Of my own girlfriend. She needed to let me go.
"Stay. Please stay." Allie said, coming closer to me.
"Don't come any closer. Please." I said, "I'm going home."
Then before Allie could put her hands on me again, I ran out of her apartment. Fucking bolted.
"Fine, fuck you!" I heard her yell as I shut the door behind me.
I was shaking when I got in my car. I didn't even know if I could drive. My cheek stung. My arm hurt like crazy. But then I saw Allie come outside from her apartment building, and I put my car in drive immediately.
It wasn't until I got close to home that I started panicking. Practically hyperventilating. I pulled over on the side of the road and cried. And cried even more. I couldn't believe what had just happened. God, Noelle would have never done something like that. I hated that I thought of Noelle in that moment, but I missed her. I fucking missed her. I wanted a hug from her. I felt so low in that moment, after Allie slapped me and yanked me. I was scared. I was devastated. And I didn't know what the fuck to do.
What in the hell was I supposed to do now?