Without You (gxg)

Part 33- The Years In-Between

Warning- This part does depict the topic of abortion. If you are uncomfortable with or triggered by this, I would suggest not reading.

Hooking up with Gabriel was something that continued for the months on. It wasn't very often, but most times when we would see each other, we would wind up hooking up. It still felt a bit weird for me- having sex with a guy. I knew there was no way we were going to date. But the hook ups...they distracted me from other stressors in my life. I knew we were both using each other for sex, and we both didn't seem to mind.
I was posting a picture on my hair Instagram page for work one day in May. I would post most of my before and after pictures with clients- and I had reached over 7,000 followers. I was really loving sharing my work. Right as I finished posting, Olivia came home from work.
"Guess what." she said, sitting down next to me, "You'll never guess, it's crazy."
"Okay, so just tell me." I laughed.
"We had a new stylist start this week, her name is Alyssa. She a sweet girl, and we got to talking. I found out she's dating someone- and that someone is Allie." Olivia said.
I paused for a second. I felt....relieved. "Good. I'm glad. I feel for Alyssa. But I'm glad Allie didn't...do anything."
"You do realize that was just her manipulating you?" Olivia said to me.
"I do now."
"Good. But something I found funny- she said she's been dating Allie for 9 months. Didn't you and her break up 9 months ago? She rebounded quick."
"Or started dating her as we ended things. I wouldn't put anything past her."
"I wanted to warn her. But you know how people are- she won't believe it until she sees it for herself." Olivia said, "Oh, want to come with me to CVS? I need to get some tampons. We can get candy too."
"Sure, can I just change out of my work clothes?"
"Of course. I'm surprised you don't need tampons as well, Har. We usually are on the same cycle."
And in that moment a wave of dread washed over me. Fuck. I should have my period.
"Hey, are you okay? You just got really pale." Olivia said.
"Yeah. I'm just going to need to get one more thing from CVS."
"Oh god. You think you could be pregnant, don't you?"
"I'm late." I said. G
"Are you and Gabriel not being safe?"
"He's pulled out most of the time."
"And you got your IUD taken out last year." Olivia sighed, "Let's go. I can't say I haven't been in this situation."
If I was pregnant- I knew what I was going to do about it. I knew I couldn't keep it- I was not prepared to be a mother. I believe in a woman's right to choose- and this was going to be my choice. It's not a decision I ever wanted to make- or expected to have to- but I knew what I were to ever do if I was faced with this decision.
I bought a test. One of the ones where it says either "pregnant" or "not pregnant." The two minutes I waited were some of the longest of my life. And when I looked at the test, with shaky hands, and it read, "pregnant."- well, in that moment, I had no idea what to do. I felt completely helpless.
I stepped out of the bathroom, feeling very shaky. Olivia was waiting for me.
"Oh my god. You're pregnant, aren't you?" she said.
All I could do was nod. I was in pure shock. She wrapped me in a hug.
The next days were a whirlwind. I could hardly concentrate on work. It was like I knew what I had to do- but that didn't make it any easier. And of course there were traces of doubt in my mind every so often. Should I get an abortion? Or should I actually become a mom? But logically, I knew I couldn't. I knew I was going to have to tell Gabriel- but I didn't want to get his hopes up if he wanted to become a father.
Four days after I took the test, I called Blake. I had to tell someone that wasn't my mom. And someone that wasn't Olivia.
She answered the phone, "Hey, Har. What's up?"
"Are you busy?" I asked her.
"Nope. I just got home from work- I'm going to start dinner soon. Brianna is taking the kids shopping for some summer camp clothes."
Such a grown up.
"Okay." I said. And then didn't know what else to say.
"Is...everything okay?" she asked me.
"No. Not really."
"What's up?"
"I'm pregnant." I just decided to come out with it, "And I need to end the pregnancy."
There was silence for a moment. And then Blake said, "Okay. Do you want me to come with you?"
At that moment my eyes filled with tears. Even if there was any judgement, she was reserving it. "Yes." I simply said.
"Alright. Was this something you wanted to tell mom about or no?"
"I don't think I want to tell anyone right now. I feel...ashamed. And I feel like mom might judge me since she had you when she was seventeen." I said.
"I promise you, she wouldn't. But I completely understand. You make the appointment. No matter what day it is, I'll be sure I'm there with you. Okay?" Blake said.
"Okay. Even if it's when you have work?"
"I'll take the day off. I'm here for you. And I promise you don't have to feel ashamed either." Blake said.
Blake is a social worker. And in that moment, I could see how she was probably great with her clients.
"Thank you, Blake." I said, "I love you."
"I love you too." she said.
I decided I needed to get this over with. I couldn't let this linger. So I called Planned Parenthood. And I hated that while I was on hold I thought for a second,
What would Noelle think of this?
I made the appointment for a week later- a Thursday- at 1:30 PM. I told my boss that I was getting a medical procedure done and that I would need off until Monday.
And I knew I had to tell Gabriel. Olivia arranged it so that Josh- those two were still going strong- would come over with Gabriel a few days before my appointment. We hadn't hooked up in over a month. But I knew that me telling him I was pregnant- and getting an abortion- would end that for good most likely. And I wanted it to.
I went out onto my deck with Gabriel. And I just flat out told him- that I was pregnant, it was his, but I was ending it.
He looked at me for a moment. And then he said, "I have to be honest. I'm relieved. I would respect whatever decision you made- but I do not feel ready to be a father. At all."
"That's how I feel about being a mother. I'd like to be one someday. I would love to actually, but not yet. I just can't yet." I said.
"And you'll be a great mother someday." Gabriel gave me a small smile, "And I'll be a great father. But now is not the time."
That statement I wholeheartedly agreed with. I wanted to be a mom someday. I knew I did. Whether it be through adoption or biologically. But I wanted to be ready. To be financially secure. And honestly- I wanted it to be with someone I loved. In some ways I felt really selfish for getting an abortion- but in other ways- I knew it was what I had to do.
Blake sat in the appointment with me. At that point only her, Brianna, Olivia, and Priya knew. I had told her the day before- and she was in full support. And I knew she would be- she had an abortion in eleventh grade. And I was the one that had gone with her.
I was seven weeks along. And I knew one day, that would bring me joy. But not at 21- not where I was in life right now. I kept wondering if I would regret it though. If I was going to feel immense sorrow you sometimes hear about.
The procedure hurt more than period cramps. It was pretty painful, but when it was over, the first sense I felt was relief. I felt very weird though- this was not something I ever expected would happen. I almost didn't know how to feel. How I should feel.
Blake spent the rest of the day with me at my apartment. I sat on the couch under a blanket, and she sat next to me.
"Are you okay?" she asked me, "You look a little far off."
"I feel far off. I just feel so fucking weird, Blake. Relieved but also wondering if I am going to regret this. It doesn't feel real." I said.
"I don't think you're going to regret it." Blake said, "I know you want to be a mom someday. And you will be. But I know now wasn't the time."
I nodded, "You're right. You know...I feel like these past few years I've had no focus. I've had a lot of sleeping issues, depression, then dating Allie. It's all just been a fucking whirlwind and I want it to stop." I said.
"I know one thing that seemed to kind of start it all."
Blake said.
"What's that?"
"You and Noelle breaking up. I know things go really hard after that."
"And then to find out she got married to her roommate. That fucking sucked. It still sucks. I think about it all the time." I said, "But I need to stop. I need to just focus on growing my career. And focusing on that. Not dating, anyone from my past, and especially not Noelle." I said, "I need to just fully move on."
But little did I know- that is not what the universe had planned for me.

A/N- I hope it doesn't come across that I just glossed over the heavy topic of abortion. This is something that will come up again in the story. Thank you so much for reading. This was the last "Years In-Between" part. "Present Day" will be next!