Without You (gxg)

Part 23- The Years In-Between

Another waiting game. That's how the next 6 weeks felt between seeing Noelle and then Thanksgiving. Like I was going through the motions of each day, but I felt empty.
After my last class before Thanksgiving break, Olivia and I grabbed coffee at Starbucks.
"A whole week off, I won't know what to do with myself." she said, taking a lip of her latte. "Well, a week without school. We do have work."
"Don't remind me." I chuckled.
"Are you excited to see Noelle?" Olivia asked me with a smile.
"Very. It felt like forever- these six weeks."
"Not going to lie, you did seem pretty down. Extra down these six weeks- more than usual."Olivia said.
I paused. "Do I usually seem down? I don't try to."
"Harley...you remind me a bit of my younger so sister, Bella. She's 17."
"How so?"
"She has depression. And some days she is okay. But others, she seems really down. And sometimes you remind me of her. I hope you don't take that offensively. I say it because I care." Olivia said.
"I don't. You know, I've never been diagnosed with depression or anything. I used to see a therapist after my biological parents died. But I do...feel sad."
"Would you consider talking to anyone again?" Olivia asked me.
"I would consider it. But I want to see if I can handle it myself first." I said.
"Okay. But just know- sometimes when you think you're handling it, you're not." Olivia said.
I didn't need a Tylenol PM the night before Thanksgiving. I was up practically all night, but it was okay- I was going to see Noelle. She had spent two days with her dad and Mary, and she would be spending Thanksgiving, Friday, and Saturday at my house.
I had the jitters and my heart was pounding as I waited for her to drive up to my house early on Thanksgiving morning. She had decided to drive all night from her dads- and I knew she would need to sleep once she got here.
I couldn't help but run up to her when she walked out of her car. I once again leapt into her arms and she kissed me. There was something even more special about her being back here at home. Where it all started.
"I've missed you so fucking much." I said, and she kissed me again. She looked tired. She had on joggers and a sweatshirt and her hair was in a ponytail. But she still looked beautiful.
Right when Noelle put all her things down in my room, she passed out on my bed soon after.
That was okay- I was going to be cooking with my mom, Jade, Blake, Brianna, as well as Maureen and Vivian- Brianna's mother and grandmother. We cooked up a storm. I was in charge of making the pies- pecan, apple, and pumpkin. The only man who could be in the kitchen with us was Juan- who was going to be cooking up the turkey.
I remembered how when I was younger I would spend Thanksgiving in Delaware at my biological fathers parents house. That was the only time I saw them. They didn't bother to talk to me otherwise, and never do now. Neither do my biological fathers three siblings- my aunts and uncle. Thanksgiving there was nothing short of awful. The whole time it was spent spewing out political conspiracy theories and hateful racist and homophobic remarks. I can only imagine how it would be now that I had a girlfriend. No wonder Blake never came with. I was so incredibly grateful to now have the family I did.
After a few hours, Noelle came downstairs. She had brushed out her hair, which had gotten longer, and put on jeans and a black sweater.
"It smells amazing. What are we cooking up?" she said.
Everyone went and gave her a hug. She smiled at me, and I knew she was incredibly grateful for this family as well, that welcomed her in.
Thanksgiving dinner was delicious. And I was beyond happy to have Noelle there next to me. During dinner I looked at her and thought-
I want you next to me every Thanksgiving dinner.
The morning after Thanksgiving we went to go get coffee together. I drove us, and I noticed Noelle kept looking out the window.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I keep getting paranoid I'm going to see my mother." she said.
"Well if she does, you can be sure I'll flip her off." I joked, and Noelle laughed.
Once again, with her, I didn't feel so empty. In fact, I didn't at all. For a split second a thought crossed my mind-
Is it healthy that so much of my happiness is based off her?
But I pushed it out. I was going to enjoy every moment with her.
I was nervous when she went to go see her brothers that she would somehow see her mom. But she texted me after a couple hours saying she hadn't, and she would be coming back. I ordered us some sushi for dinner and set up a little picnic blanket in my bedroom. I also snagged some wine from my moms collection. I knew she wouldn't like that- she doesn't want me to drink at all- since both my biological parents were addicts, but a little alcohol here and there was okay.
As Noelle and I ate our sushi, she said to my surprise, "How would you feel if I did a study abroad program for a semester?"
What?
I paused before responding, trying to not just react. "Oh...um...where and when would you go?" I asked her.
"It would be next fall- and it would be to Rome. They have a great engineering school there that goes in conjunction with my school." Noelle said, "I just thought it would be a good experience. Now is the time to do all of that....right?"
I was once again trying to not just react. "Have you decided officially you're going to do this?"
"No, I promise you I haven't. I would never do anything unless you felt comfortable with it...and I don't have to decide now. I just....I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up." Noelle said, flustered.
"No, I'm glad you did." I said, putting my hand on hers, "I will support you in anything you do."
Noelle gave me a small smile, "Thanks. And it would be from September until December...so, not terrible. It would just push you moving a little bit."
My chest felt heavy. More time apart. But I couldn't worry about that until a decision was made. Even though I was obviously going to.
This time when Noelle had to leave, I couldn't help it. I completely broke down in my driveway before she started her drive back. We had another date planned to see each other- for a full week she would stay here in January, after the new year. So basically another 6 weeks.
"Hey, hey. It's okay." Noelle said, as I cried, "Soon enough we will have a full week together- and I absolutely cannot wait. I hope you know this is what carries me through. Knowing I'll see you."
"Is it really?" I looked up at her.
"Of course. You're the brightest light in my life, Harley." Noelle said.
"And you are in mine." I smiled at her.
Just like when she left for college, I stood in my driveway, tears running down my face, waving her off. Thoughts already in my mind of how great January would be with her.
Except little did I know, I would not be seeing her in January.
I wouldn't be seeing her for a long time after this.