Without You (gxg)

Part 7 - High School

Do I like girls?
Am I a lesbian?
Confused?
Bisexual?
What the fuck am I.
Those questions kept running through my head in the next few days after Noelle and I hung out.
All I knew though, was that I wanted to keep seeing her. I got butterflies in my stomach whenever she texted me. When I slept over her house it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. She made me feel so good mentally and physically.
My mind felt clouded though. I never thought I would be having feelings for a girl like this. And why it was so hard for me to just accept and acknowledge it. I wanted to talk to my older sister, Blake, and her wife, Brianna, about it all- but I was even shying away from doing that.
That Tuesday after I hung out with Noelle, I was sitting at my kitchen counter after school. I had been texting back and forth with Noelle since we hung out, and when I saw her at school- pure butterflies.
I didn't even notice my mom come into the kitchen with Jade. My mom was carrying a large gray bag that looked like it had a dress inside of it.
"Harley, I got my dress for my fall formal. Do you want to see it on me?" Jade asked me, clearly very excited.
"Sure. Go put it on and come back down and show me." I said, and then my mind went into the clouds again.
"Hello? Earth to Harley?" I heard my mom say loudly.
I snapped out of my trance and turned to my mom. "Yeah. What's up?"
"I must've asked you three damn times what you want for dinner." my mom said, looking at me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I said, "And I'll eat whatever Jade wants."
"You seem like you're in a complete daze. And I know that means you're thinking about something. Is it Carter?" my mom asked me.
You could not be further from the truth.
"No. It's not." I said, "I don't really want to talk about what it is, to be honest."
My mom studied me for a moment. Then she nodded. "I'll accept it. Just as long as you're not in any kind of danger."
"I'm not- I promise." I said. The only danger I was truly in was falling for the girl in my English class.
And the very next day in class, she came up to me right after it was over.
"Hey, beautiful." she said softly, standing by my desk as I grabbed my bag.
I could feel myself blush immensely. I turned to her, "Hi. What's up?"
"Did you maybe want to grab some coffee after school? My treat." Noelle gave me a small smile.
"Absolutely." I nodded, feeling my stomach flip. "I just have to drop my best friend Priya off at her house and then can I meet you?"
Noelle nodded, "You're a good friend. How does Starbucks sound to you?"
"Sounds perfect." I said, and couldn't help but smile. "I'll see you then."
Priya was extremely excited for me when I told her where I was going. She, right now, was the only person I felt comfortable talking about Noelle to.
Noelle texted me when I was on the way:
What can I grab for you?
How thoughtful.
I responded:
A soy vanilla latte please :)
When I arrived at Starbucks, the drink was sitting across from the table Noelle was at.
We were both dressed casual this day, in our sweatshirts and leggings.
It felt so right to be sitting across from her. I started telling her how my mom seemed to know something was on my mind.
"Does this really mean I'm on your mind?" Noelle chuckled.
"Yes, of course you are." I said, "You and...just figuring everything out."
"I understand." Noelle nodded, "You will figure it out. I promise. And I can help you."
"I think sometimes you make it more confusing for me." I laughed, to let Noelle know it was pretty much a joke.
"I actually think I am making things clearer for you." Noelle said, "But maybe that's just me."
I looked at her, "I think you might be right."
"You don't have to rush figuring out anything though." Noelle looked at me back, "I'll be here while you do."
"I appreciate that." I said and then laughed, "My mom thought I was thinking about Carter. She couldn't have been more wrong there."
Noelle laughed too, "Definitely not Carter. Is he your only ex?" she asked me.
"No, he's my third." I said, and then to told her about my rocky, immature relationship with Hayden, and my more mature relationship with Devon. And she just sat there and listened to me. And I could tell it wasn't a fake listening. She actually was taking in what I was saying. And it felt really nice to be heard.
"And how about you? Any ex's? Especially ones longing after you?"  I joked.
"I've only had one more serious girlfriend." Noelle started, "We broke up when I moved. But I don't think we would've stayed together anyway- her name is Julia. Julia Keen. It wasn't the worst relationship ever, but I don't think it was the best either."
"Why do you say that?" I asked her.
"We got along- Julia and I. But honestly- and I'm not trying to put everything on her- there was always some kind of drama. Or it always felt like I was doing something wrong. When I was genuinely trying." Noelle said, shaking her head. "It's nice that you seem...more self assured."
"Having to grow up at a really young age will do that to you." I said.
"I understand that too. Maybe not to the level you do- but I really get it."
"You don't have to compare." I said, "Struggles are struggles. No matter what the case."
"I know you're right. I just can't help but to think my problems are so much less significant than what you've been through."
"Well...what kinds of problems have you had or do you have?"
"Honestly? My mom isn't the nicest. She never has been." Noelle looked down. "I would say she could qualify as abusive- especially on her worst days. But I knew I would feel very guilty if I didn't come here with her and my brothers."
"Do you miss your dad?" I asked her.
"Of course I do. But I talk to him all the time. It's just...tough without him." Noelle said.
I put my hand on hers slightly, then remembering we were in public. "Did you have the option to stay with him?"
"I did. But basically not. My mom didn't give me that option." Noelle said, "But in some ways I'm glad she didn't. Then I never would've met you."
I could feel myself blushing, "I'm really glad your here, if that means anything."
Noelle gave me a soft smile, "It definitely does."
I didn't want to stop drinking coffee and talking to Noelle- but I had to as it got dark.
We stood by her car before I went off to mine. And to my surprise, Noelle gave me a quick kiss. I looked around to see if anyone was there, in a slight panic, but no one was.
So I kissed her back.
"I hope one day I won't feel so...unsettled when I do that." I said to Noelle.
"I understand you, but things will get better. I promise." Noelle grinned at me and smoothed a lock of my hair behind my ear.
"So when can I see you again?" I asked her. Might as well be forward,  I figured.
"This weekend, do you want to come over again?" Noelle asked me. We were both leaning against the back of her car.
"That sounds great." I said, "I can't wait to do this again."
In the moment, when I interacted and hung out with Noelle, everything seemed perfect.
Why was I so scared? And for what?