Without You (gxg)

Part 24- The Years In-Between

I had a lot of wrappers and bottles in my closet from the sleep medications I was taking. Yes- it was over the counter. But my tolerance was growing higher and higher for them so I was taking more per night. I knew I couldn't throw them out at my house, so I just had all of them in a plastic shopping bag in my closet. I was a fucking idiot for not just throwing them out in a random trash can.
A week before Christmas. That's when my mom found them. I had just gotten home from school, and was feeling pretty good about the techniques I had just learned about. I was really into learning about hair color. I found it to be really interesting. And I even dyed the ends of my blonde hair light pink myself a couple days before. Noelle said she really liked it too.
I noticed my moms car in the driveway- weird. She usually didn't get home until around 8 PM on Thursday's. My heart started pounding as I opened the door to my house. Was everything okay?
"Mom? Are you alright?" I called out when I walked in.
"In the kitchen." she responded. And I paused for a moment. Something about her tone was not right.
I hurried into the kitchen. She was standing by the counter. And my eyes fell upon the plastic bag with my medications and wrappers.
She looked at me, and then pointed to the bag. "Harley Eve Edwin, you better tell me what the hell this is. And don't lie." her tone was a mix of concern and anger. Fuck.
"They help me sleep at night." was all I could say back. My palms were starting to sweat.
"Harley...this is so many that you have and that you've taken. I- I don't even know what to think." my mom said.
"How did you even find them, were you looking in my closet?" I asked her.
"I was looking for a shirt. I spilled bleach on mine at work so I came home. A bunch of my clothes are in the wash so I wanted to see if you had anything I could wear. So no- I wasn't snooping around. Until I saw this."
"Okay." I nodded.
"I am upset. But even more so, I am scared, Harley. If something is wrong I need you to tell me." my mom said.
"I can't sleep." I said, and I could feel a lump in my throat, "I can't sleep at all. You know I've always had issues since I was little...but it's gotten so much worse since Noelle went to college."
"Oh, honey..." my mom walked over and gave me a long hug.
When we pulled away I was crying. I couldn't help it.
"Harley...you know why I'm worried." my mom said to me.
"Because of my biological parents being addicts." I said.
"Yes. And I am also worried because I can see it in you...that you're sad. And I think you might be depressed." my mom said.
"I don't know what to do." I cried.
"I'm going to set you up with an appointment with a therapist first. Who then can maybe recommend a doctor." my mom said, "Harley, I can't have you taking these anymore."
"I don't know how I'll sleep without them tonight." I admitted.
"How about you don't go to school tomorrow. Take the pressure off yourself in that way." my mom said, "I'll try to get you in with someone as soon as possible."
I nodded.
"Does Noelle know about this?" my mom asked.
"No. No one did." I said.
"I think you should tell her. Honesty is the way to go."
So I decided to call Noelle that night and tell her what was going on. That I could barely sleep. That I was relying on medication every night to help me. That I needed to see a therapist.
When she picked up, I told everything. And she just listened- without interrupting me at all.
"I'm glad your mom found everything." she said, "Har, I wish you had told me you can't sleep. I would've tried to do something to help more."
"It seems like nothing can really help." I said.
"When you were spending nights with me...did that help? Did you take the pills then?" Noelle asked.
"No." I said, "I didn't. I...I didn't feel like I needed them."
Noelle sighed, "Is this your way to cope with me being gone?"
"I don't know." I said, "But...I know I've been really sad. I think it's just everything. All the changes."
Noelle sighed again, "I...I don't know if this is the right time then to tell you something."
Immediately my heart started racing. "No, tell me." I said, "Then I truly won't be able to sleep if you don't."
"Okay. So that study abroad program...I really do think I want to do it..." Noelle said, "But, um...it's for a full year."
I felt my mouth go dry. And my heart drop to my stomach. "So you would be pushing back me moving for a year. And I...wouldn't be able to see you for a whole year?"
"Harley...please don't look at it that way. We are getting through this year...we can get through another."
"Why do you even want to do this so badly?" I said, "I really want to support you in this, but I'm just really fucking upset." I was started to panic, and I was talking faster.
"Harley...calm down, please. It's okay." Noelle said, "You're alright."
"Just tell me why you have to do this now." I said.
"It was something Elena was looking into." Noelle said, "And then I started looking into it. I just feel like it is something I won't get the chance to do again. And it is a great learning opportunity, and my scholarship would cover it."
Elena. Of course. Fuck her.
"Of course Elena suggested it." I said. I knew I was sounding petty. And stopping to a low I didn't even want to go to.
"Why do you say that?" Noelle asked. She seemed genuinely confused.
"I see how she looks at you." I said, "Would you be going away with her?"
"I don't even know what you're talking about. And no- she's going to France. She just was looking into it." Noelle said.
"Fine." I said, "Okay. Then go. We will somehow manage."
"Are you sure? You don't sound so sure." Noelle said, and I could hear nervousness in her voice.
"I want you to be happy." I said to her. And I did mean that. There was nothing I wanted more than her happiness- even if it meant mine suffered.
"I want you to be happy, Harley."
And it just slipped out. Without me even thinking.
"Well, I'm not." I said. And then I got the chills- because I knew it was true.
There was dead silence on the other end. Then in a weak voice, Noelle said, "You're not happy with me?"
"Noelle, I love you. But this situation...it's so fucking hard. What was pulling me through was living together next year. And now if you're going away for a whole other year...I don't know what the fuck to do."
"I think you know inside what you need to do." she said, and she sounded choked up.
Fuck. No. No. No. No.
"I don't want to. I love you." I said to her. I was crying by now.
I was losing her.
"I love you too. So fucking much. But I want you to be happy."
"So this is it." I said. Barely able to get the words out.
"I-I think so." Noelle said. I could tell she could barely say it to.
"I can't have this conversation anymore. I'm sorry." I said, and then hung up. Sobbing.
I lost her.