Without You (gxg)

Part 25- The Years In-Between

A wreck. An absolute fucking wreck.
If there was any way to describe me after Noelle and I broke up, that would be it.
The crying wouldn't stop at first. Wanting to reach out to Noelle more than anything wouldn't stop. Of course though, even in the middle of a break up, life goes on.
At school I would be on the brink of tears the whole time. At work I would be too. I would have to go into the bathroom and just cry. Multiple times a day.
I've had break ups before. Three. But I didn't feel this amount of pain. And I knew why- it was because I wasn't in love with them. And I was still completely in love with Noelle. And knew I probably always would be.
It was a pain I hadn't felt before. She was still here on this earth, it wasn't like I was grieving her. But I was grieving the fact that she was no longer a part of my life. A huge part of my life.
Each day felt like I just had to get through it. I wasn't enjoying anything. My family, Priya, and Olivia would try to do things to cheer me up and distract me, but I just felt completely empty. If I thought I was feeling empty before when Noelle was away, I sure was wrong. This was a whole other level.
I worried that she was completely just over me. I wanted her to be happy, but part of me also wanted her to still want me. I worried that she would just move on. That she already had moved on. The thoughts clouded my mind every single fucking day. I was sneaking the medication to help me sleep now. I would keep it in my bag and only buy it in small batches. I needed it. I would barely fucking sleep without it. And like I had said, my life still had to go on without Noelle- even though it felt like I was barely living.
It has been a month since the breakup happened. I had my 19th birthday spent without Noelle- I kept thinking about the last birthday we spent together in Philadelphia.
She texted me saying happy birthday. Just a simple "hey, wanted to wish you a happy birthday". And I texted her practically the same thing on hers. When I saw the text from her, my heart almost stopped for a moment. But in some ways it hurt even more seeing that it was just a simple message. With barely any personal touch to it. No "I love you", of course. At least she was thinking of me. But it was far from the same. Olivia took me out to dinner for my birthday and then my family did for another night- which I truly appreciated- but I kept thinking about Noelle.
My therapist, Michele, was one of the only things getting me through this. Barely. But I was able to open up to her. I saw her one Friday after school a month after the break up, toward the end of January.
Michele was in her early thirties. She was a tall, slim woman with dark hair and green eyes. She always dressed to the nines as well. But she was honestly a great match as a therapist. A wonderful listener. And very kind-hearted. I was glad my mom found her for me. I didn't feel this kind of match before with therapists after my biological parents died.
Michele asked me how school was. How I was doing. If I had plans. She wanted me to go out and do things.
I told her I wasn't doing well. She wanted me to elaborate.
"Everything reminds me of Noelle. Or I relate it back to Noelle. A song comes on that she liked- I get emotional. I pass by the first place we had dinner together- I think of her. I cannot get her out of my fucking head. At work this week someone came in, and I saw on her card her name was Noelle. I almost lost it." I said.
"She's on the forefront of your mind. I promise you, it is normal to feel that way." Michele said to me.
"I just fucking hate...that we are going to be complete strangers one day. I don't want to let that happen. But it's inevitable. I hate not knowing what's going on in her life." I said, starting to tear up, "I honestly feel like I am never going to get over this. People get over break ups, I know. But now I'm looking at people wondering how they did it if they got through a feeling like this."
I expressed to Michele more about how I was scared she was going to find someone else. And I knew one day she would- and I didn't want to face that. Michele brought up how I would find someone else too- but I didn't even want to think about that. The thought made my stomach hurt.
"How are you doing with your sleeping?" she asked me.
I hadn't told her- or anyone- that I was still taking the over the counter medicine every night to help me sleep. That I basically couldn't be without it at this point.
"Not good." I said, "I can barely sleep. The thought of having to go to bed makes me anxious."
"And you haven't been taking anything to help?" Michele looked at me.
"I- I have." I decided to finally admit, "I went back to buying the over the counter medicine."
"Okay." Michele nodded, and then she looked down at her notebook she jotted down in every so often. "Harley, I want you to see a psychiatrist. I, of course, cannot prescribe medicine as I am not a medical doctor. But I think we are at the point where you need something to calm your mind down not only so you can sleep, but that you will not be as depressed." she said.
"I don't see how a pill will just make me happy." I said, "I- I don't know."
"It's not just going to make you happy- antidepressants don't work like that. But it will help take the edge off. It will help you live a more normal life. And I want you to take something to help you sleep that is non-addictive. Because eventually you will build up such a tolerance to Tylenol PM and Benadryl that they won't work. And I worry about you trying harder things that are highly addictive." Michele explained.
"Okay. I understand. And I think it is a good idea." I nodded.
"Good. I'm glad you agree. I have a great Doctor that I am going to refer you to so you can set up an appointment as soon as possible." Michele said, "I am rooting for you, Harley. I want nothing more than for you to feel okay."
After the appointment I pulled out my phone to call Noelle and tell her about it. That Michele wanted me to see a psychiatrist. But then I stopped. I couldn't call her about it. She wasn't my go-to person to call anymore.
What hurt the most was that no matter what I did now- I wasn't going to be able to share it with Noelle. Tell her about it. Rejoice in it. Or be upset over it. Those days were over. And I couldn't picture having that with anyone else in this moment. Everything felt bleak now in my life.
I hated that I let one person do this to me. Destroy me like this. God, there were so many people on this planet. Yet I was letting one person affect me like this.
I can't take this feeling for much longer. I can't.