Without You (gxg)

Part 41- Present Day

Noelle and I kept spending time together- and it was amazing. I finally felt at peace- being with her again. We hadn't put a label on anything yet- but we were committed to each other.
There was one glaring, obvious thing though. The elephant in the room.
We hadn't had sex.
Had we kissed-a lot? Sure. But Noelle didn't push us to go further- I think because she got the vibe I wasn't ready yet.
I hadn't had sex since my abortion. And it wasn't like I could get pregnant with Noelle. But since then I hadn't had too much of a libido.
It was something I thought about a lot. And I had stopped therapy before I got the abortion- so I hadn't spoken to anyone about it professionally. It I was like I felt like I grieved. The decision was very easy for me- but the aftermath had been hard.
I wasn't sure if I regretted it. I would see babies and get this pang in my chest. But I also would then think about what my life would be like if I had a baby.
I thought I would end the pregnancy and not really think about it. But that wasn't the case.
I still never told my mom. I hadn't planned on keeping it for this long- but the time never felt right.
But I knew I was going to have to tell Noelle. I wanted to tell Noelle.
It was July- nearing the end, when I went to my parents house for dinner. It was something I had done since I moved out, I would go to their house for dinner a lot. Jade joined us this time- I couldn't believe that she was going to be going to college for
Nursing. She had grown into a respectful young woman, honestly. She was intelligent and level headed. For us having the same dad- we turned out okay.
After we ate, my mom said she had some hair tools she wanted to show me in her room. And I kept getting this feeling- that this was the time to tell her about the abortion. That I needed to tonight. The words wanted to come out.
She had the tools laid out on her bed.
"Aren't these cool?"she asked me.
"Very."
"Harley, you know your very obvious when something is on your mind." my mom said, "Now- what's up?"
I sighed, "I need to tell you something. I don't want you to freak out."
"I'm listening." my mom looked at me.
My heart was pounding. "I had an abortion a year ago."
I said it. I finally said it.
My mom looked confused for a moment. Then she reached over and gave me a hug. Not saying anything. I sunk into her arms.
After a little she let go of me. "You know I have questions." she said.
"I know." I nodded, "I'll answer them."
"I wasn't expecting you to have...been with a guy."
"Same. But I was attracted to him. He is Olivia's boyfriends best friend."
"Okay. Do you consider yourself to be bisexual now?"
"I like who I like."
"Alright." my mom nodded, "Honey, I hope you didn't have to go by yourself. Did you bring someone with you?"
"Blake came with me." I said.
"That girl sure can keep a secret." my mom shook her head, "But how have you been since it?"
"I don't know. Sometimes regretful. I get pretty down about it randomly. It was an easy decision, but a tough aftermath."
"That's not uncommon." my mom looked at me, "Harley, I want you to go talk to your therapist again."
"I think I might need to."
"Set up an appointment." my mom then asked, "Have you told Noelle?"
"I haven't. I want to- but I don't know how."
"That, you'll figure out. But I'll tell you this- she will
love you no matter what and be there for you. That girl loves you unconditionally. Tell her- you'll feel better." my mom said.
She loves you unconditionally.
I hope.
Noelle came over the next night. We ordered pizza and just hung out. Noelle had a few beers. She was still not liking her job and just wanted to chill and relax.
At one point we started making out. And god, I wanted to go further. But something was stopping me.
Noelle finally asked, "I'm not trying to pressure you into anything. I hope you know that. But is there a reason you seem hesitant to go further than kissing? I feel really bad asking."she looked at me. We were on my bed.
It was time to share.
"Look, something happened last year. Since then I haven't really had too much of a sex drive." I said.
Noelle looked very concerned, "What happened?"
Here we go.
"I had an abortion." I said, "I was hooking up with this guy...Olivia's boyfriends friend. I got pregnant. And I decided to not keep it. This was about a year ago."
Noelle was silent for a moment. "How do you feel now about it?" she finally asked.
"I've struggled a lot with it. More than I'd like to admit. It's caused me sadness. Anxiety. A low libido from those things, as you can see." I said.
Noelle took my hand in hers. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."
"I kind of did it to myself." I fake chuckled.
"That doesn't matter. What matters is how you've been feeling."
"I was so nervous to tell you." I signed, "I thought you'd think less of me."
"Less of you? Are you crazy?" Noelle looked at me, "Why would I think that for even a second?"
"I don't know. That I was with a guy. That I was stupid enough to get pregnant."
"Stop." Noelle shook her head, "None of that matters. Even if you'd have kept the baby and became a mom, I would still love you just as much."
I looked at her, "This was the first time one of us has said the L-word since we got back together."
"Of course I love you. I never stopped." Noelle smiled at me.
"Neither did I." I smiled back.
"I hate that you've been struggling with this, though. Are you going to talk to someone? You can talk to me of course. Literally whenever you want about it. But I mean a professional."
"I am going to set up an appointment with my old therapist." I nodded.
"Good." Noelle kissed the top of my head, "I don't want you struggling with this so much."
"Neither do I. I feel better now that I've told you."
"I'm really glad you told me, Harley."
"I was worried you'd think I was a bad person or something." I said, "I want kids one day. Whether it's adopted or if I were to be pregnant. But I just couldn't yet."
"You don't have to justify a thing. You made a responsible decision." Noelle looked at me, "You'll be an amazing mom one day. But back then- it wasn't the time."
"I know back in high school you said you wanted kids. Do you still feel that way?"
"I do. I want kids one day. You know...when I was married I didn't though. I kind of lost all hope, with everything. I was miserable. I drank too much. I thought I was always going to feel that way."
"Has some of that hope come back?" I asked Noelle.
"One hundred percent yes." Noelle said, "You make me excited for the future. Not dread it."
"You make me so excited for the future too."
"I'm going to do my damn hardest to make sure it's with you." Noelle said, and then she kissed me.
Yeah. I could do this forever.