Without You (gxg)

Part 40- Present Day

I was nervous.
I had my date with Noelle six days after the engagement party. Noelle planned for me to come over to her apartment, and then we would go into Philly, since she was closer to the city. She planned for us to go out to dinner.
It all seemed so nice- but the thought of doing all of that- and then the thought of possibly even starting up something again with Noelle made me extremely nervous.
I was so nervous have my heart broken again. For a second time. And I wasn't sure if I could handle it a second time.
But what if it worked? Those two scenarios kept going back and forth in my mind. And part of me kept wondering if it was even worth trying. But then the other part of me knew I needed to go on this date- I needed to see Noelle.
I wore a black sundress with sleeves that had a white floral print on it and straightened my hair. I was trying to look nice for Noelle. I wanted her to think I looked pretty.
The thought of her and Elena kept playing in my mind. It was starting to sink in more and more that she was married once. Not to me. I wasn't sure why I kept thinking about it more and more now. It was like my mind was trying to sabotage me. And I didn't like that it would trying to do that- but it was very hard to get a grip of.
I pulled up to Noelle's apartment at 7:30. It was a single unit- with a door leading to the outside. Her apartment was on the second floor. She had mentioned it was a 2 bedroom one and a half bathroom apartment before to me. It looked like it was very nice. Her BMW out front added some luxury to it as well.
She greeted me at the door in black ripped jeans a and a flannel. Her hair was still looking amazing- I loved the darker hair on her.
She looked like she wanted to kiss me. Like she wanted to lean in and give me a kiss. But she also looked like she was waiting for permission from me.
"Hey." I gave her a small smile, "I'm really excited to see your place. It looks so nice."
"Thanks." she gave me a small smile back, "Let me give you the grand tour."
Noelle had the basics in terms of furniture. She said she hadn't had much time to decorate. I noticed in her second bedroom, which she made into an office, an gray ottoman in the process of being packaged up.
"Don't mind that mess." she said.
"Is that the ottoman Elena was talking about?" I asked Noelle, looking at it.
"It is. It's going back to her." she said, "Let me show you the bathroom. I got some soap yesterday I think you'd love- it's coconut scented, your favorite."
She was sending that back to her ex-wife.
She showed me around the rest of her apartment. Her bedroom, the kitchen, the small dining area. She also had a really nice deck outside of the living room. I noticed an e-cigarette on the small table on the deck.
"Still smoking?" I asked her.
"Unfortunately." she said, "I don't know if I'll ever stop at this point. I thought that when I moved her maybe I would...but work has been stressful."
"I'm sorry you're still having some issues getting used to it. It has only been a little over a month though."
"I've decided that if in six months I still feel lousy about it, I'll look for something else." she said.
"In Philly though, I hope?"
"Yes, in this area. I love this apartment. I really like living back here actually. And of course the most important reason is standing right in front of me." she looked at me.
I felt myself blushing. "You're sweet." I said. I was still feeling really nervous. I was having trouble shaking it.
"Are you ready to head down into the city?" Noelle asked me. I nodded.
We got into Noelle's car, and she didn't drive right when she got in. She looked at me.
"Harley...are you okay being on this date with me? You don't look...happy to be here." Noelle said.
Fuck.
"That's not it at all." I said, "I'm just so nervous, Noelle. I'm having trouble shaking it."
Noelle nodded, "I understand that. I was freaking out all day. But...I feel comfortable now that I'm with you."
"I still feel so nervous. And I want to shake it. But I'm really scared."
"Scared? Why?" Noelle looked at me with concern.
"I don't want to feel so heartbroken again." I said, "I'm freaking out for some reason that you had gotten married. I don't know, Noelle. Okay? I'm sorry. I'm just feeling really scared."
Noelle didn't say anything for a moment. Finally she said, "I'm not just saying this. The whole time I was married to Elena, I truly did wish it was you."
I looked at her, "Seriously?"
"Yes. And I kept thinking about what I would tell you if I ever saw you again. How I would explain it to you. But I realized I didn't want to have to explain to you why I was married. I would want to explain to you why it didn't work out- and the core of that reason is that I still had you in my heart." Noelle said, looking at me.
"That's how I felt the whole time I dated Allie." I said softly.
"I regret getting married. I regret that we ended. I know that we shouldn't have regrets in life, but I can't help it." Noelle said, "But Harley- I promise you- I am so serious about making this work."
I needed to hear those words. I couldn't help myself- I leaned over and gave Noelle a kiss, catching her off guard.
"What was that for?" she smiled at me.
"I am so serious about making this work too." I said, "I'll do whatever it takes."
Noelle nodded and then said, "Would you just want to hangout at my apartment? I'll order us a pizza. We can just hang out. I think planning a whole night in the city may have been too much for us. I think we need to start off just...really getting to know each other again. No fancy dinners. No big cities. Just you and me."
"I love that idea. But I actually have a request that isn't pizza." I said.
"I'll get you anything you want."
"One of your quesadillas. Like the one you cooked for me the first time we ever hung out as more than friends." I smiled at Noelle.
She smiled back. "You know, I do have all the ingredients for it. I'll make that for us."
"Deal." I said, and we got out of her car.
As the night went on and Noelle and I spent time together- just the two of us- I got more and more comfortable. It felt like being home- being back with her. Except this time in her own apartment. It made me sad to think  about how I had to spend such a long time without her.
She had a nice king size bed in her room. Not like the one in her old bedroom or dorm room. Her bedroom was the only room in the apartment that looked fully done.  It was nice, clean, and simple.
She probably slept in that bed with Elena.
I thought that for a split second, but I stopped. Noelle was spending time with me. Not Elena anymore. Elena was her past.
Noelle and I laid down on her bed. It was late- and we were both tired. She turned on her TV, and I laid against her, her and around me.
"This feels so right." she said to me.
"I know." I said back, "I knew I missed this. Missed you. But I didn't realize how much."
"Is it crazy if I tell you that I thought about this pretty much every night we were apart?" Noelle said, "For the longest time after I saw you at that party, and we got split apart from the cops, especially."
"That night feels like a dream to me." I said, "I couldn't believe it happened."
"I don't know if you'll want to hear this- but I actually had it in my head we were going to get back together after that." Noelle said, "I was pretty crushed when we didn't. I thought we were going to work things out."
"I'm so sorry, Noelle." I said, "I really wanted to. I truly did. But couldn't handle you going to Italy at that point. Mentally I was in such a bad place."
"I know." Noelle said, and I cuddled up against her. And then I felt that her cheek felt moist. And when I looked up at her, I saw that she had tears rolling down her face.
Noelle wasn't one to cry a lot. So I was surprised.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, concerned. I wiped away a tear with with fingertips.
"Yeah. I promise I am." Noelle said, "I feel like a pussy for crying. But god- I missed you so much. I never thought I would have a chance with you again."
"I missed you more than anything." I said to Noelle, "This happened for a reason."
"I'm not letting you go." Noelle said.
Neither am I. Ever again.