Without You (gxg)

Part 26 - The Years In-Between

                                Around 6 months later
Summer. It was like the darkness had ended and some light was now shining through. From going to winter to spring and summer and also within myself.
I was still hurting. I hated that I was- but now it was more of a dull, constant pain rather than just one that would get entirely overwhelming that I couldn't handle it in specific moments and I would just break down.
She was always in the back of my mind. And I was always wondering about her. How she was. If she was with someone else. If she was thinking about me. But I was accepting that I couldn't know. Noelle was also not really one for social media at all- the only thing she posted in between now and our break up was one picture of her on campus. It was back in March- she had on a gray North Face jacket and jeans as well as a beanie. The photo was more of the snow on campus, but she was in it. I stared at it for days. The caption was just "Campus is beautiful in the winter". But I looked to see who were the 97 people that liked it. I felt crazy as I looked at all the girls profiles.
I was going to be done with school in September and could intern in salon- which was exciting. I had gone to visit Priya a couple more times at school and she came back to see me- but it was honestly Oilvia who was getting me through a lot of this when it came to a friend. She would text me every day. We would go out and do things together.
Olivia, at the age of 20, had also been through a lot. She lost her mom young also from addiction, so she understood a lot about what I went through. Her dad wasn't in her life at all, she was raised mostly by her Aunt Caroline. She graduated high school a year older than me, and while I was in my senior year, she was married to a guy named Drake who was in the Air Force for nine months. She had gotten a divorce a month before I met her at orientation. She was strong and she didn't take shit from anyone.
Olivia was an only child, but she was very close with her cousins. Her oldest cousin who was 22 and graduating college, Lauren, just so happened to go to none other than West Virginia University.
At work one day at the end of May, Olivia said to me as we stood in the almost empty makeup store, "I want to run something by you, but I'm nervous to."
"You're not going to try to set me up with your friend Melissa." I said back. I hadn't done anything or dated anyone since Noelle. Olivia kept trying to see if I wanted to be set up with her friend who was a lesbian, Melissa, but I was denying it.
Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled. "No. It's not that. Lauren invited me to her school for a little last hoorah weekend before she graduates. I want to know if you wanted to go with. It's next weekend."
I felt my stomach drop a bit. "She goes to West Virginia University, right?"
"She does. And I know that's a touchy place for you. But it's huge, Harley. The chances of you running into Noelle are close to zero."
"I'll go." I said, even surprising myself, "Maybe it'll be good for me to have a change of scenery and have some fun."
So, Olivia and I went straight from school, which ended at 3 PM the next Friday, to West Virginia. We knew we wouldn't get there until around 10 PM, but that was okay.
My mom was thrilled that I was going. If anyone had been worried about me- it was her. She was relieved that I was now on medication, but she was extremely worried the past months about me.
She texted me when we were in the car saying: Remember to not drink, it can fuck with your meds ❤️
Trazodone and Wellbutrin. Those were the two that the psychiatrist, Dr. Vandergift, had put me on. Trazodone to help me sleep- and Wellbutrin for the depression. I felt like a zombie on them at first. And trazodone still did make me feel like I was in a bit of a haze at times- but I traded that off for no longer having sleepless nights depressed over Noelle.
It was dark out by the time Olivia and I got to campus. I couldn't help but think of my drive to campus to go see Noelle back in October. Times had most definitely changed. It felt like a lifetime ago.
Lauren, Olivia's cousin, had an apartment on campus. She greeted me with a hug even though I had never met her, which made me feel less anxious.
She looked just like Olivia, but with cherry red hair down past her boobs, unlike Olivia who had blonde hair chopped to the middle of her neck. She had big, bright eyes like Olivia and also quite a lot of tattoos.
Olivia and I were exhausted that night, so the three of us just ordered some pizza and hung out. I knew that Lauren knew that my ex went to school there- but she made sure to not bring it up.
It was crazy to me that I was at the same place as Noelle- and she had no idea. I would often think about the walks we took underneath the stars when we went and visited her dad. When we were still together, but she was 7 hours away, I would think about how we were both still under the same sky. Looking at the same moon and stars. But now we were minutes apart from each other- and she had no idea.
And she wouldn't have an idea. Until Saturday night.
Lauren had plans for the three of us to go to a party at the house for the Hockey team. She said that they could get pretty rowdy- but they played a great mix of music down in the large, spacious basement, and people danced until the sun came up pretty much.
"Harley, let's make you look hot. Not that you aren't already, but let's doll you up." Olivia said to me.
The outfit she had picked out for me was unlike anything I had worn before. She was letting me borrow a tank top that looked like a black lace corset and a pair of faux leather leggings. She straightened my hair and did my makeup- Olivia was great at doing makeup- way better than me.
I had also pretty much stayed off of posting on social media since the break up- just a couple photos here and there- all of hair I did at school- but I couldn't help but snap a selfie. I felt good. And I thought I looked good.
As the three of us walked to the party in the heat of the night, I kept looking to see if Noelle by some chance liked my photo. We still followed each other on Instagram- but that was it. She had liked one of my photos of hair color that I did back in April- to my surprise.
"Are you okay?" Olivia asked me as we walked. She was holding my hand, and was walking in between me and Lauren.
"Yes." I nodded, "I hate it- but I keep checking to see if Noelle liked the selfie I posted." I admitted.
"I don't see why she wouldn't- you look great." Lauren said to me.
"If she doesn't, don't even let it phase you." Olivia squeezed my hand.
The party was packed. The basement was crowded and full of alcohol- but I decided to listen to my mom and not drink- I didn't want to fuck with my medicine at all. I was diligent about taking it, and I didn't want to throw anything off. If I drank- I wouldn't be able to take it.
There was a mix of rap, pop, and dance music playing. I danced with Olivia and Lauren to the music. I was genuinely having a nice time- even with the guys that came up to us trying to dance. We just shrugged them off- especially Lauren, who had a boyfriend.
I kept glancing over anytime I saw someone walk down the basement stairs. I figured there was no way Noelle could come to this party. It was mostly upper classmen, and I knew a party like this wouldn't be Noelle's scene.
But a little past midnight, a group of people walked down the steps together. And my eyes landed on a girl in a gray t-shirt with a flannel wrapped around her waist. She had on glasses, and her dirty blonde hair was even longer than before.
I froze. My heart started pounding. And my stomach dropped.
"Are you okay?" Olivia asked me. I had stopped dancing with her in that moment.
"No. Oh my god, no." I said.
"What's wrong? Do you need to step outside?" Olivia asked me, concern in her voice.
"Look to the bottom of the steps. Gray t-shirt." I said, still looking. Noelle hadn't noticed me. I could but notice she didn't look too thrilled to be at the party.
Olivia knew what Noelle looked like- she had seen plenty of pictures.
She looked at me, wide eyed. "That's Noelle, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"Your ex is here?" Lauren asked me.
I nodded again.
"We can go." Olivia said, and she looked at Lauren. Lauren nodded in agreement.
"No. It's okay. I don't want to ruin the fun. We can stay." I said, "She probably won't even notice me."
But I was wrong.
A few moments later, I kept on looking at her. I couldn't help myself and I couldn't stop. She had arrived with two other girls and one guy. I noticed one of the girls had left the group. Her, the other girl, and the guy stood in the corner talking. Noelle was against the wall, she had a beer in her hand and was sipping it.
Is that girl her girlfriend? I couldn't help but wonder.
When we caught eyes, it was like there was no one else in the room. We were laser focused on each other. She had an expression like she almost couldn't believe it was me. She then leaned over and said something to the girl next to her. And then she started making her way to my direction, still laser focused on me.
"Fuck. She's coming over here." I said frantically to Olivia.
"Do you want us to stay? Or go pretend to get drinks?" she asked me.
"Go pretend to get drinks. I hope you don't mind- but this will be awkward enough as it is." I said.
Olivia nodded, and pulled Lauren's arm. "You'll be okay, I promise." she said to me.
I stood there for a moment as Noelle got closer.
And then she was in front of me. The girl I thought about every day- but thought I was never going to see again.
"I did not expect to see you here." she said to me.
I almost melted at the sound of her voice. God, I missed it.
"Yeah. Well...I'm here." I said back, "I wouldn't expect to see you at a party like this."
She gave me a small, knowing smile. "My friends boyfriend is a hockey player, she dragged us here. I would've rather stayed back in my dorm room. But now I'm not so mad that she took me here."
Hm.
"Oh yeah, why is that?" I asked her.
"Come on. Im talking to the reason why I'm not mad about it." Noelle leaned in and said loudly over the music.
Oh.
"Well, I guess I'm not mad about it either." I said back.
We locked eyes again. The tension between us- you could cut it with a knife.
"Dance with me." Noelle said, to my surprise.
"Okay." was all I could muster out.
The song "Open Wide" by Big Sean and Calvin Harris blared as she spun me around and pressed my body on to her.
It felt so good to be in her arms again. To feel her against me. I felt a spark in me that I hadn't in god knows how long. I spotted Olivia looking at me from a across the room. She winked at me when we caught eyes.
"So you came here with Olivia?" Noelle asked me, right in my ear. She was so close to me.
"We're visiting her cousin."'I said back.
We danced like that for a few more fast paced songs. Then a change of pace happened. The acoustic version of "Idfc" by Blackbear came on. I turned around and put my arms around Noelle's neck. As the music played, we looked at each other.
"I've missed you." she said to me.
"I've missed you so much." I said back.
In that moment, I wanted to tell Noelle everything about what had happened since we broke up. I wanted to spill my heart out to hear right on the middle of the dance floor. And I could tell she wanted to also by the look in her eyes.
But all I could say was, "You look really good."
"You look fucking gorgeous, Harley." she said to me.
And then we locked eyes again. And before I knew it, her lips were right on me.
Coming home. That's what kissing Noelle felt like.
But it got interrupted before I knew it. At the sound of police sirens pulling up to the house.
"Police!" someone screamed down the steps, "Everyone, OUT!"
"Fuck." Noelle said, and then she grabbed my hand and we started running.
But somewhere along the way as we got up the steps, someone shoved through us, and we lost each other.
For the rest of the night.