Everything Random Ever

fear

i don't know what it is about life recently. is it my mind still reeling from addie larue? the looming fear of the fact that i just applied for community college, so i can be a dually enrolled student my senior year—NEXT year??

i need to start emailing teachers, giving them a heads up that i want them to write me a letter of recommendation.

the thought absolutely terrifies me, in nearly every way it can.

i'm growing up. i'm growing out. i'm staying behind. others are moving on.

i'm not myself. not really, not yet, will i ever be? myself is a person who i haven't met, a person bridled in shadows and allure.

i talk of her like i want to be her, and i do. but i'll never get the confidence to dye my hair lilac, to wear exclusively academia styled clothes, to tell my sister in the car over soft indie music that i like girls in some capacity, a capacity i'm not sure of quite yet, and a capacity that also scares me.

because it all feels so fake, as well.

am i truly a girl aching for a life of lilac-dyed hair, loving girls freely and traipsing about in a corduroy skirt with dark boots?

or am i just a fake.

it's a chorus in my head, unrelenting, every day. i'm not myself. i never was, never am, never will be.

i don't know what "myself" even is, what it looks like, what it should be.

my teenage angst is quiet. it's so quiet that you blink and you miss it. it's not olivia rodrigo "it's brutal out here" angst, it's whispers on a street of "i'm not enough, this world's not enough, even if i was enough i'll never live enough, enough won't last me till i'm forty because enough will run dry when the world runs dry"

there's something poetic in the thought. i don't see myself past twenty-five. roughly twenty-five. i don't see time moving beyond right here and right now, but also, i look to nothing but the future.

my dreams run rampant, but at an arm's reach, so i can snatch them back whenever i need to, take them, tell them that's too much.

fear, unrelenting, that i'm not enough. my dreams aren't enough. this scream into the void isn't enough. nothing is ever enough.