Everything Random Ever

self-sabotage

i can feel myself falling apart.

i've graduated high school now, and every day gets just a little bit worse for me. and what sucks is i've so perfectly isolated myself from anyone and everyone that i can't even find a way to pull myself back together. i've completely and utterly fucked myself over.

i'm almost 18. my birthday is friday. i'm a hostess at a restaurant and ready to start serving. i fucked up and missed the alcohol tips training course and the owner of the restaurant texted me in her typical fashion (aka accusatory and mean) that if i fucked over the instructor out of money and am not allowed to serve unless i go to the next class which is 50 minutes from my house. i won't drive that far with gas being $5 a gallon. i already drive way too far for my measly little hostess job (~25-30 mins).

i'm trying to find a new job but i'm afraid of leaving my current job. i love my coworkers to pieces but i can't stay there with gas and the owner hating me more and more with every passing day. but also if i leave i'd lose the only few people i feel okay with talking candidly about myself with and i'm afraid id lose the me that works there as well bc i really am myself at that stupid little restaurant.

anyway that's my current existential crisis. i apparently only post here when i'm at my lows. so yeah.