Yours - H.S

Chapter 34

Post-Op Day 5

Bella's P.O.V:

So much has happened in such little time.

Harry told me he loved me.

My parents came to visit and it didn't go very well.

Oh, and I was pregnant.

I've been in the hospital for five days after my surgery. I had to undergo an exploratory laparotomy, Harry calls it an ex-lap.

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant with Harry's baby. I didn't know how to describe how I felt about it. I don't want children now, I'm not ready for such a big responsibility like that. It makes me think, what if when I want to have a child, will this happen to me again? The doctors told me it was rare but with my luck, I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

Even though I didn't want this baby, I felt despondent. I found myself getting upset over little things, or not being able to convey any emotion at all.

I can't believe I didn't know it, though. Usually, women know when they're pregnant, they just know. Being in this hospital bed for the past few days has given me so much time to overthink, trying to track down any symptoms I had that I may have overlooked. In the last six weeks, I've had headaches but I never thought much about them.

I also knew how hard it was for me to get pregnant in the first place. Not only was I on birth control but because of my struggles with Anorexia and Bulimia, the doctors told me from a young age that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. It never really bothered me much, but knowing now that this could have been my only chance to have a child and I having no time to take it all in felt horrible.

It pains me to think about how much I drank during the short time I was pregnant. What if I had a normal pregnancy? I would have given that child a life of suffering from all sorts of defects all because of me.

This is all I have been doing, asking myself "what if" questions to occupy my mind.

I've been pushing Harry away, and I feel horrible about it. He's been so amazing through this whole thing but I can't even talk to him. When I do speak to him, it's to answer a question or say "I love you." Last night I told him that he can go home and sleep in his own bed, it was the most I've said to him in days.

Ever since I saw my mom again, it just made me feel worse. Maybe she was right, I would have no idea how to raise a child. I wish I didn't listen to her but whatever she says always hurts me more than it should. She's my mom, after all, I take everything she says to heart. I wanted a relationship with my mom so bad, ever since I was little. I wanted to be able to talk to her about boys or have some sort of bond with her like the other kids while growing up.

I wish she was there to hold me and comfort me during all of this.

It feels like it's her fault that I can't have children in the first place. She's the one who made it seem okay to skip meals, eat less, instead of allowing me to live freely as a child.

Now I'm the one who has to pay for it.

Harry and I finally said I love you to each other. I don't know whether it slipped out of his mouth or if he was planning it beforehand but it was so refreshing to hear. It was like all the fears I had disappeared, I felt safe hearing those words from him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him right after surgery because it was kind of a wake-up call. What if he died and I didn't have the chance to tell him how much I loved him? What if I died and I didn't get to hear him tell me how much he loved me?