Yours - H.S

Chapter 38

Bella's P.O.V:

"Come here, Khai!" I spoke enthusiastically to the infant, using the voice I only used while I talked to children.

Gi, Khai, and I were sitting on the floor of the playroom, playing with her toys. She's the cutest baby you'd ever see, she looked so much like Gi, resembling how we looked as kids.

She crawled over to my lap as I took her in my arms, holding her up while she blew raspberries in my face. I leaned in to touch her nose with mine, scrunching it against hers while she laughed. It was the most innocent, but adorable laugh ever, I swear it was contagious.

I could've had one of these.

The thought crossed my mind while I played with Khai or babysat her sometimes, but I've been trying to avoid it. She was a lot of work to take care of though, feeding her to a schedule, changing her, and not being able to decipher whether she was crying for food or crying for toys sometimes was tough. I don't understand how Gi does it. She's managed to raise and take care of her so well, I tear up sometimes just by watching her.

We grew up together, relying mostly on each other because of our parents. Even though Khai's still too little to understand, her mom does everything in her power to make sure she feels loved, at least more loved than we did while growing up.

We never really talk about it in-depth, but I wondered how she got over that fear of becoming like our mom. It scared me the most when I thought about whether I wanted to have kids or not. It's easy to say that I'll never be like her, but I could start acting like her without even noticing. I don't want to raise a kid like that, I'd want my kid to be comfortable enough to talk to me or come to me for advice when they needed it. It sounds like a stupid fear but it was the first thing that entered my mind when I found out at the hospital.

I snapped out of all of my thoughts, feeling the chills that rushed throughout my spine. It was easier to avoid the topic rather than thinking about it, I reassured myself while I picked up Khai from my lap, her little hands reaching out in front of my face.

"Who's the best auntie in the world?" I held her up a little higher, her feet in the air as I spoke in a high-pitched tone. She points her tiny index finger at me, her two little teeth that had recently grown sticking out from the smile plastered on her face.

It's crazy how much you can teach babies when you bribe them with toys and ice cream.

I smothered her chubby cheeks with kisses, blowing raspberries against her face to make her laugh even harder. Her laugh was so contagious, just enough to make me laugh just as hard as she was.

"She loves you so much," Gigi smiled, handing Khai one of the rings of the toys so she could stack it upwards in order.

"Of course she does, I'm the cool aunt. Right, baby?"I turned my attention to the toddler who babbled in response, almost as if she was speaking her own language with her hand motions.

This was nice. I got to take care of Khai, but I didn't have full responsibility for her. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like it would be okay if things remained like this. Being the aunt with no children who still brings alcohol to family gatherings wouldn't be too bad.

Losing the baby you never knew about is so confusing. I still don't understand how I feel about it and I don't think I ever will, but maybe it was a sign that kids aren't for me.

Someone like me could not be a mother. That's what my mom has told me, multiple times. I don't want to believe that she's right but she has to be. I'm still young and have some time to decide, but I don't think I want to have children anymore. Its not like it was my choice after all, considering how I am infertile. I know that my case isn't as severe as others, but it is enough to give me a hard time when it came to the idea of having a child of my own.