The Bully's Diary [IN EDITING AS OF JAN2015]

The Bully's Diary 20 - Maybe Even Love?

Hey guys!! So, urmmmmm, really want to get this boring part (well boring for me to write anyway) out of the way so I can get into the action!! I have a book where I write down where the story is going for future parts and to be honest all this stuff with David is annoying me. Beginning to wish I hadn't created his character but oh well ;) It'll all make sense soon (hopefully)!! Anyways, enjoy this part my little munchkins<3x

 I woke up the next morning still feeling tired, not refreshed at all. And I thought sleep was supposed to help.. I dreamt about the crash again, waking up as I usually did, crying and shaking. The crash was weeks ago. Why is it still haunting me?

It's a school day, but I'm not going- there's something I have to do. Mom isn't home, neither is daddy, so what they don't know won't hurt them, right? I swung my legs out of the smooth and comfortable bed, moving into the middle of my cold bedroom. Why did it always have to be so cold? I suppose it matched my mood, which was, if I'm completely honest- miserable. I always am now.

Matt is still in a coma. What's different? And that's what gets to me. Every day I feel the same, like things will never change. Just when is this nightmare going to end? My mind is still full of regret, and guilt of the crash. It won't leave me alone, and I feel like it won't stop haunting me until Matt wakes up, until I can start being a better girlfriend for him. No more lies, no more betrayal. But is it that simple? So easy? I really doubt it, and that's just one of the many things going through my mind right now.

After dressing unenthusiastically, and putting on a small amount of make-up, I trudged downstairs to the kitchen where I fixed myself a minuscule portion of cereal. I seemed to be eating less and less these days, but I thought it best not to think about it. I knew I was getting thinner- I just thought there was more to worry about in my life right now. More important things to worry about, anyway. I finished my cereal that tasted like cardboard in my mouth, and got up from the table, feeling weaker than I had before I ate. It's a funny world we live in..

I hurried out of the front door, taking in the fresh winter air, watching as my breath came out in white puffs in-front of my face. I brushed my hair back nervously, and started to walk to the nearest bus stop. This was new to me, since I had only ever had to do this a few times because I was so used to having my own transport everywhere. And since my parents weren't home, which meant no lift to "school", they'd left me some money on the kitchen counter for me to get a bus. I just hoped it was enough.

It was a brisk walk to the bus stop, and when I finally reached it I was glad to see no-one else sitting under the shelter already. I wasn't in the mood for some awkward talking with a stranger, most likely with an old person about the stupid old weather. As I sat there alone, I contemplated a lot of things- Matt, the crash (obviously), and most of all, Adrianna's abuse. I know I was.. harsh? To her, but.. I never abused her so much that she bruised! Yes, I threatened her, and hit her a couple of times, I did mean things, but.. I just don't even know what to think anymore. I don't know who to blame. 

My head is pounding with all these thoughts inside my mind, and all I can do is lean back with my head against the plastic of the bus shelter, thinking, how did my life get this way? I used to be somebody, someone.

It felt like hours before the bus finally pulled up to the sidewalk, and by this time I was freezing. The doors opened, and I stepped inside the comfort and warmth of the vehicle, taking in the new air. The middle-aged male bus driver finally broke through to me; his words suddenly pierced through my thoughts. He asked me a bunch of questions about whether I wanted a ticket for the day, weekend, and eventually I managed to tell him what I meant and handed over my money. It looked like I was the only one, apart from a couple of surly-looking old ladies and a few serious businessmen, on the bus. At least it would be quieter. I retrieved my change from the sweaty bus driver and retreated to the back, choosing a seat next to a window.

The bus journey was silent apart from the occasional mutters of the old ladies, and I watched as businessmen impatiently checked their watches, anticipating their stop. I didn't feel any rush to get off the bus any time soon, in-fact I almost didn't want the journey to stop. The pitter-patter of raindrops falling from the sky calmed me, and I felt a longing to feel the rain on my skin, let it soak in. To succumb to the numbing cold.

We finally arrived at my stop, and the bus driver grunted a small goodbye to me before leaving when I'd gotten off. It was now a mercifully short walk to my destination- the hospital.

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I arrived at the glass double-doors of the hospital and took a deep breath before going inside, making my way to the receptionist sitting at a desk, looking bored while she tapped away at her keyboard. After I'd gotten her attention by clearing my throat, I managed to get her to give me Matt's room number and made my way along the hallways. Why did all the walls have to be so depressingly white around here?

The amount of people being wheeled around on beds was unbelievable- there were so many ill people in here. It was horrible seeing all these poor people around me, and I almost felt sympathy, but I needed to concentrate on the one person that actually mattered in my life now. Matt. I reached his door and cautiously went inside, and luckily he was alone. No parents, no.. Adrianna, no people telling me to get out.

His leg was still broken, still wrapped up in a cast that clung to his skin, supporting him. He looked so peaceful lying there, and I could see some scars from the crash. I still had one on my forehead, and another from Adrianna, but I had covered it up with make-up. He was breathing as if he were just sleeping, and I willed for him to wake up. I walked silently over to the bed and sat down in the chair next to him. It was torture seeing him like this. All I could hear was the constant beep of the heart monitor, and the occasional sounds of people moving down the hallway outside.

Slipping my hand in his, I lay my head on his chest as I had done last time I was here, synchronizing each breath we took, trying to match my breathing to his as if that would wake him. I cradled his face in my hands, hoping, just hoping that by some miracle he'd wake up and throw his arms around me in happiness. Would he even remember when he awoke? Oh God, would he remember the "baby" I was supposedly having?! Would he remember me at all?

The unanswerable questions kept spinning around in my head as I listened silently to his heart. I sat up again, looking at his face. I wanted more than anything to see those emerald eyes open again.

"Matt, I hope you can hear me.. It's Carolina. Please, I need you to wake up. Please." I started begging him, holding his face. I started sobbing quietly.

"I need you. I can't stop thinking about the crash, how it was all my fault... I'm so sorry! I should have listened, I should have.." I trailed off, my body shaking with sobs.

Then he sighed.

I gasped. "Matt?!" I whispered, clutching his hand tightly.

He heard me! Didn't he? That was almost a sigh of longing, agreement maybe? It didn't matter, all that mattered was that there was a little chance that he might, one day, wake up! 

Then I realized that maybe I liked him more than I thought.

Maybe even love..

Hey guys!! Sorry that part was so short but I wanted to get SOMETHING out there. My internet was being stupid today so I had to get my dad to fix it when he came home which took ages, so yeah. Hope you liked it and I promise the next one will be better!! And don't worry, the story is NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED YET!! And, as always..<3x

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